I think it's been a long time since I last wrote about how I truly feel about things around me.
Met up with Beng Hui, Chen Li, Geng Yi, and Yoke Woon (note the alphabetical order) for dinner today. Beng Hui came to pick me up, and as soon as I entered the car, I realized a conversation had been going on about serving where you're from and serving where you are.
Oh, the familiarity of that conversation. How many times have I had it with myself?
I reread my previous posts, about the many attempts to fit into PJGH. It's funny how I seem to have forgotten all of it. Worse still, I have failed to see that they were all part of a single process towards fitting into PJGH.
Come, let me share something that I have shared with only so few people.
FIRST
Anybody who consistently reads the blog knows I've been going to SAGC on Saturdays for their Chinese Youth Ministry.
SECOND
I have been struggling to decide if I should stay in the ministry in SAGC and wear myself out traveling to SAGC on Saturday and to PJGH on Sunday, or commit myself fully to SAGC, or throw in the towel and sit in the pews like a pew-warming Christian in PJGH.
THIRD
And not many people know this: I was resentful about the role I felt I was coerced into taking up in PKV*. I was upset with Hannah for talking me into it (using what I'd shared in CG), angry at myself for not being firm, and bitterly resentful of PKV as a whole for making my SAGC-PJGH struggle even more complicated.
FOURTH
I felt like God abandoned me to deal with this mess I'd gotten myself into.
The SAGC Mess - Volunteering for a ministry without praying first, and being tempted by the fellowship I knew I'd get (I did get it. I enjoyed every moment there.), and now I didn't really want to let go for my own reasons;
The PJGH Mess - Stubbornly announcing to everyone that PJGH is the place for me, and now my ego played a huge part in making me stay. The other thing that played a part in me staying was the two jokers, and the fact that my intuition told me that leaving PJGH would be a big mistake, and I shouldn't even be considering it;
The PKV Mess - The time it was going to take up, and the fact that I wouldn't have the energy to deal with it full-heartedly because I had been so weak to be compelled into doing something I didn't really want to do.
FIFTH
I lost sight of God and who I was. I forgot about that post I wrote about not being defined by what I do. In stubborn rebellion, I stopped doing my Quiet Time, and stopped praying, at the same time recognizing the hypocrisy of deciding how to serve God, and running away from Him at the same time. Hence this post when I realized I was rebelling against Him.
SIXTH
PKV Camp came along. At one point, I wondered if Swee Kit had specially tailored everything for me, because it was like four days of conversing with someone about all the above. I made a decision on the final day of camp - I would stay in PJGH. I got over my resentment of God, Hannah, myself, and PKV. I decided that Swee Kit might have been right - I have only four years in Christian Fellowship, but I will serve the church for a lifetime after university. Maybe I was meant to just be a para-church servant and a faithful church-going member. I resigned myself to the possibility of a ministryless life in PJGH. Ministry or not, I am a Christian.
SEVENTH
A couple of days after the decision, Geng Yi told me that he'd volunteered me for the children's work in PJGH.
What was that I wrote again?
PJGH has become a decision I consciously made.
Maybe that was the plan all along.
I just wasn't ready for it.
Now I am.
But first, I shall confess.
Children and Tse Hwei don't go very well.
Tse Hwei usually falls sick after teaching children.
No way to go but forward.
Forward, Christian soldier!
i thank all who've been praying for and with me, those who have encouraged or at least tried to encouraged me, those who have listened, those who have tried to understand, and those who've made me welcome in SAGC, in PKV, and in PJGH. i value all the above that i've been through, good and bad alike, because regret was never part of His plan for our lives.
*PKV = Persaudaraan Kristian Varsiti
Met up with Beng Hui, Chen Li, Geng Yi, and Yoke Woon (note the alphabetical order) for dinner today. Beng Hui came to pick me up, and as soon as I entered the car, I realized a conversation had been going on about serving where you're from and serving where you are.
Oh, the familiarity of that conversation. How many times have I had it with myself?
I reread my previous posts, about the many attempts to fit into PJGH. It's funny how I seem to have forgotten all of it. Worse still, I have failed to see that they were all part of a single process towards fitting into PJGH.
Come, let me share something that I have shared with only so few people.
FIRST
Anybody who consistently reads the blog knows I've been going to SAGC on Saturdays for their Chinese Youth Ministry.
SECOND
I have been struggling to decide if I should stay in the ministry in SAGC and wear myself out traveling to SAGC on Saturday and to PJGH on Sunday, or commit myself fully to SAGC, or throw in the towel and sit in the pews like a pew-warming Christian in PJGH.
THIRD
And not many people know this: I was resentful about the role I felt I was coerced into taking up in PKV*. I was upset with Hannah for talking me into it (using what I'd shared in CG), angry at myself for not being firm, and bitterly resentful of PKV as a whole for making my SAGC-PJGH struggle even more complicated.
FOURTH
I felt like God abandoned me to deal with this mess I'd gotten myself into.
The SAGC Mess - Volunteering for a ministry without praying first, and being tempted by the fellowship I knew I'd get (I did get it. I enjoyed every moment there.), and now I didn't really want to let go for my own reasons;
The PJGH Mess - Stubbornly announcing to everyone that PJGH is the place for me, and now my ego played a huge part in making me stay. The other thing that played a part in me staying was the two jokers, and the fact that my intuition told me that leaving PJGH would be a big mistake, and I shouldn't even be considering it;
The PKV Mess - The time it was going to take up, and the fact that I wouldn't have the energy to deal with it full-heartedly because I had been so weak to be compelled into doing something I didn't really want to do.
FIFTH
I lost sight of God and who I was. I forgot about that post I wrote about not being defined by what I do. In stubborn rebellion, I stopped doing my Quiet Time, and stopped praying, at the same time recognizing the hypocrisy of deciding how to serve God, and running away from Him at the same time. Hence this post when I realized I was rebelling against Him.
SIXTH
PKV Camp came along. At one point, I wondered if Swee Kit had specially tailored everything for me, because it was like four days of conversing with someone about all the above. I made a decision on the final day of camp - I would stay in PJGH. I got over my resentment of God, Hannah, myself, and PKV. I decided that Swee Kit might have been right - I have only four years in Christian Fellowship, but I will serve the church for a lifetime after university. Maybe I was meant to just be a para-church servant and a faithful church-going member. I resigned myself to the possibility of a ministryless life in PJGH. Ministry or not, I am a Christian.
SEVENTH
A couple of days after the decision, Geng Yi told me that he'd volunteered me for the children's work in PJGH.
What was that I wrote again?
oh, He has plans. plans so important that He wants us to want them.
PJGH has become a decision I consciously made.
Maybe that was the plan all along.
I just wasn't ready for it.
Now I am.
But first, I shall confess.
Children and Tse Hwei don't go very well.
Tse Hwei usually falls sick after teaching children.
No way to go but forward.
Forward, Christian soldier!
i thank all who've been praying for and with me, those who have encouraged or at least tried to encouraged me, those who have listened, those who have tried to understand, and those who've made me welcome in SAGC, in PKV, and in PJGH. i value all the above that i've been through, good and bad alike, because regret was never part of His plan for our lives.
*PKV = Persaudaraan Kristian Varsiti
2 comments:
See the OCD-ness. Alphabetical order. -_- Confessions of a wordaholic. AHH. No regrets eh.
Bleh. OCD-ness is good. Else we won't have the dictionary. Hah! Yup, no regrets. I think I've grown somewhat from the experience. =D
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