Wednesday, 27 September 2006

I can't even get angry properly anymore...

I was so angry today... Too hungry to write about it now, though.

Anyway, my post 2 days ago was deleted because of the computer glitch. Again. Haiz.

Today's anger is not caused by that ok. Why would I get angry over such a silly thing tsk.

Zheng's birthday yesterday. Hmm. He was quite free yesterday cuz he hadn't any class. Was supposed to be his practical day yesterday, but it just so happens that there's not to be any practical on the first week. So he was totally free. I was chatting with him via MSN la. So I asked him what he was doing, being free and birthday-ic and all. He said: "I'm studying in the library heheh" I went, "Ohhh ok." Wait. If he was studying in the library, AND chatting with me at the same time, logically, there were only 2 possibilities:
  1. He was slacking off
  2. I was disturbing him

Good thing it was the first one ^^;

Made me wonder, though. What would it feel like to be so far away from home on my birthday? I'm so used to mum and dad and shaun dropping "subtle" hints about my birthday i.e. Who's birthday today ar?

What would my first year at uni be like? Will I be able to come back to celebrate my birthday properly? Or would I get all these birthday wishes via sms? In my mind, Zheng has been experiencing all that since he left for Singapore 4 years (?) ago. I think it's a sad thing. I think la. Maybe he's used to it already.

Then again, isn't it an awful thing to be used to not being with family on your birthday?

Or maybe it's just me and my family. We're too close already. Hmm. IS there such a thing as a family being too close? The word "too" is often used to imply excessiveness and exaggeration, isn't it? But it's a good thing for a family to be close right?

Here I go again. Rumbling along sentences and questions that many would frown in confusion at when they read them.

Thinking about Zheng's life (though he may feel it's perfectly fine) has made me glad that I didn't apply for the Singapore scholarship when my friends and teachers were forcing me to. Like Derk said (it annoyed me then), i mightn't have gotten it anyway. Hmmph. Good la. I'd have to come back to Malaysia and then study in Malaysia anyway. Same thing also. Just more suffering involved only.

Apologies to all Singapore scholarship holders out there. But this is really what I think and feel. And this IS my blog, isn't it? If any of you are reading this and feel utterly offended, I beg you to message me personally and tell me so. I wouldn't attempt to argue with you. And that's a very rare thing!

Anyway... I know Zheng will probably never read this cuz he has trouble just opening an e-card link, but maybe God will show this to him in heaven someday. then maybe he'll terharu and give me some of his heavenly treasures =P So...


Monday, 18 September 2006

Walk His Trail, Run the Race

Geng Yi, Adrian, Shaun and I attended the Footstool Players's play - Walk His Trail, on Sat and Sun. I went again on Sunday cuz Wan Ting was supposed to go also, but she couldn't go at the last minute. Never mind, went again lor. I liked Colin's, Veronica's and "Elisabeth Elliot"'s pronunciation of words anyway. I always say my special skill is the Sharingan, which I use almost all the time to copy other people's skills muahaha. Hopefully I copied enough slang to use in my MUET speaking test next year hehe...

The play was ok la. I wouldn't say it was very good. Unc Ivan said:

It's very hard to get a "very good" from you hor. Your standard very high.

Well, yen mei also said it was ok only. The words very good takes a lot out of a person to say, you know. I would say the Passion of the Christ was good, and The Last Samurai was good, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that those movies were very good. Things made by man.. how good can they be anyway?

If you asked me, what did you think of Jesus after watching the Passion of the Christ? I wouldn't say, "His sacrifice... it was very good." In fact, there would be no words to describe what I think about Jesus. He goes beyond very good.

The problem with these two words is that they're either too good for an ok situation or too understated for an awesome situation. I've come to the conclusion that they usually can't be used at all. Except maybe for food. Maybe.

Or the SAGC pianist!!! That guy's playing is really good! See? That's the thing. If I were to use the words very good, I can't afford to use the "!". I'd have to say, "That guy's playing is very good."

Aargh, what's all this about very good's and what-nots!

Anyway, about the play~

I'm not the kind of person to appreciate plays and all the trouble actors go to present a good drama so I wouldn't talk about what good actors they were or anything like that. Rather, what struck me in the play was the passion that those men had for God: Jim Elliot, Pete Flemming, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Roger Youderian. Although I sometimes found the narration of their letters and journals rather unlively, the core of the message they were sending out struck me to my soul. Their lives were living fulfilment of God's Word!

  • Mat 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me
  • Mat 10:38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after Me, is not worthy of Me
  • Luk 17:33 Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it
  • Mat 10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for My sake shall find it
Perhaps the verse I loved most was the one uttered by one of the wives after the deaths of their husbands:

Psa 48:14
For this God is our God
For ever and ever:
He will be our guide
Even unto death

Such faith and such peace in the midst of trouble... And what about what Elisabeth quoted many years later?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels
That the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed
We are perplexed, but not in despair
Persecuted, but not forsaken
Cast down, but not destroyed
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus
That the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body
For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake
That the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh

2 Corinthians 4:7-11

And what her own heart said:

God seems to have laid out the order of things, not for the general and brilliant triumph, but for the hidden sanctification of individual souls

That the will of God is always
Far different
From what we imagined
Far bigger
Far more difficult but
unspeakably more glorious

No doubt the play was ok, but what is not ok is what I can see God did to the people those players represented.

What He did to them... was unspeakably more glorious than anything man can ever capture in a play.


The play was ok.

Zheng's Farewell

We just played a prank on Zheng yesterday muahaha. He's leaving for U of Nottingham on Wednesday. And since almost all efforts to go yamcha and play captainball with him have failed prior to sunday, we had no choice but to use devotion time to satisfy our desire to make his life at least a little bit difficult before he leaves. We played the Follow the Leader game again (we played it for Chen Li also, except without the prank). Let's rewind a little bit.

September 15, 2006, Friday

Geng Yi sms-ed me while the Bible study group was having their fei-low-ship. I was lying on the sofa cuz I didn't feel well la (as usual). He said youth was off for saturday. I asked him why lor, and asked about the farewell for Z. He called and said they (Unc Ivan and G) were gonna do something for Z on Sunday after church. I asked him what it was. And he veryyyyyyy cheekily said:

Hah! That's for me and Unc Ivan to know and for you to find out! Muahaha!
September 16, 2006, Saturday

Geng Yi called me in the morning.

Eh, Hwei. Wanna ask ar. You got anything to do for Z tomorrow anot?

Har-har. Chen Li suggested letting Z eat my saliva, but it was unanimously agreed that Unc Kian Boon might kill us for that. So we turned to Chen Li's second suggestion, which was rotten vegetables. But we both pondered the possibility of Z getting cirit-birit again. It was unanimously agreed that Unc Kian Boon WOULD kill us for that. So Geng Yi suggested banana plus wasabi plus biscuits and he went like this:


Anyway, Geng Yi said that Z had suggested going to church to play captainball since youth would be off. So it was agreed. We would grant Z one last game of his favourite captainball before he leaves. Geng Yi called the rest of the youth.

Same day, 4pm
Geng Yi came to fetch me, Shaun and Adrian. We bought some bananas also.

Same day, 5.30pm
Those who were present:
  • Geng Yi
  • Me
  • Shaun
  • Adrian
  • Yen Mei
  • Ju
  • Unc Anthony
  • Sherene
8 of us. And the person who wanted so much to play wasn't there. -_- Unc Kian Boon wanted him to help with the dinner they were preparing for the MMU guys at night. Hmmph. Never mind. We played anyway. Simple mathematics would show that there weren't exactly enough players for each team. 2 Defenders, 2 Goal-catchers, and 2 players for each team. And since I'm the kind of striker who doesn't like to run about and get all sweaty, there was only Sherene to run about for the ball in my team. Anyway we managed just fine.

Team A - Sherene, Me, Geng Yi, Adrian
Team B - Ju, Yen Mei, Unc Anthony, Shaun

Of course the goal-catcher and the defender kept getting away from their positions to help also lor. And I had to run a little bit. Hmmph.

Same day, 11.41pm
After Geng Yi, Li Lian, Adrian, Shaun and I went for the Footstool Players play, we dropped by Z's house to see if he still wanted to yamcha (he said yes two days before) because he didn't reply Geng Yi's messages or pick up Adrian's calls. Lo and behold, when we got there, the MMU ppl were still makan-ing and enjoying themselves. Shaun and Adrian went in to look for Z. Geng Yi and I (being the pranksters we are) decided to hide and scare them out of their hides. So we drove and hid in front of a big truck. And we waited. And waited. And waited. At first we were laughing gleefully. But as time wore on, we got bored. So we drove back front, and guess what? We discovered Shaun and Adrian were nicely lounging around in the house, eating the food, and chatting away. Aargh!

Orang keji dikejikan pula.

Well, anyway, it was obvious that our date with Z had to be cancelled la. So off we went.

Same day, 12am
Shaun and I prepared The Thing.

September 17, 2006, 12pm
We played Follow the Leader. Geng Yi had already told Shaun to be the one to escort the Guessers out. Geng Yi told the group that whoever had 3 wrong guesses would have to eat The Thing, which by now consisted of Koko Crunch, Crackers, 3 Bananas, Chilli Sauce, and Garlic (compliments of Sherene).
  1. Z - No problem
  2. Stephen - Had to eat The Thing - Vomitted
  3. Frederick - Had to eat The Thing - Liked it and wanted more
  4. Z again (Geng Yi cleverly said: We start with Z and end with Z)
Ok. Here's the thing. After Shaun had escorted Z out far, far away, he whispered to the group:

Ok. Now I'm going to give Z 5 guesses. Each time he guesses, whoever he guesses, whether right or wrong, we will say wrong, ok? And I'll do it this way: He has to eat The Thing for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th 'wrong' guesses. Wahahhahaha!
No la. He didn't laugh like that this time. Wait Z hear pula. So anyway we selected Adrian as the leader. Z rightly guessed wrongly (hmm) for the first 3 times. So he rightly had to eat The Thing. He looked like he was gonna throw up. Haha. The 4th time, he rightly guessed it was Adrian. But awwww, too bad. We said it was wrong. Eat again. Really looked like he was gonna spit it out on CK's head. 5th time, wrong again. He took a long time this time. But of course wrong also la. Makan again. Just when he was gonna eat, he asked: "Actually who's the leader?" Oops. Geng Yi said: "You eat first la."
Kesian... had to go toilet.
After that Geng Yi made Shaun and me eat it, cuz we prepared it, and he ate it himself, cuz he organized the thing, to be fair to Z la.

It didn't taste that bad, except the banana was pretty strong. I rather liked the garlic. Everyone else hated it, though.

When Z came back, he asked again: "Who was it?" When Geng Yi said "Adrian", Z's face was like, "Oh noes, I've been punk'd!"

After that we had a time of sharing. Z shared about his time here, and how he's gotten closer to some people, from whom he drifted apart in the 4 years he was away. Geng Yi called on Marcus to share, but Marcus started a conversation with Z instead. Went something like this:

Marcus: Eh Ah Zheng, I heard the place you're going to is very ulu wan right?
Z: Ya.
Marcus: Oohhh, like this eh?
=_= I can't remember the rest of it, but it was something like that la. The rest of us were like... batu jatuh di atas kepala... -_-|||

Anyhoo, Geng Yi spoke for all of us when he said that we have more to write than to say, because by sharing, sometimes our tears wouldn't listen to our command, and they just spill out all over the place. So we passed him the card Sherene made, with all our comments and farewells in it, and Geng Yi said that those who wanted to hug him could do so. Then we left. And it was over. Hmm.

Really wished we could do more for him, but... the problem with this finite world is that you often don't have the sufficient time to do the things you want to do. But then again, I still feel that even if we'd had the world's biggest party for him, there would still be an emptiness in my heart when he leaves. I think the emptiness would be even bigger too. We so often try to squash all these sad feelings of people going away by feeble attempts to replace them with joy and little parties and farewells, but we can't run from the fact that those ARE farewells. And farewells always contain an element of sorrow and loss.

When Chen Li went away, I told her: "We haven't seen the last of you." I genuinely felt that way, because it was just KL after all. It isn't like she's going to Penang, where she can only come back so rarely. But Z's going away seems to be different. Being the paranoid person I am, I can't help feeling that he's not coming back. Of course he'll occassionally drop by Malacca during his hols and all, but the 3rd year rings a different melody, when he'll leave for UK. Maybe it's because he left us for 4 years. It feels like he's always leaving. Hmmph.

Sunday, 10 September 2006


Every time I read Chen Li's blog, there's something going on in her life. It can't be that nothing's going on in MY life right? I mean, I'm not THAT boring a person.

I've always admired the way she can socialize with people so easily. Ok la, maybe sometimes a bit jealous also. Maybe not just a bit. *Cough*

Really la.. it's like, how come I can't be as close to people as Chen Li is to almost everyone? I've known Geng Yi longer than she has, yet they go yam cha all the time like they've known each other since they were babies or something. I can't joke around with the MMU guys the way she can. Dunno la. When I'm around them I can just feel like we're from different worlds or something. They've been exposed to (and still are exposed to) things that are totally different dimensions from what I'm used to. The only kids I can really relate to and have fun with are Sarah and Celine, and that also not as well as Chen Li.

Why ar?

Li Lian said the other day during group devo that before I went to GLO, she kept thinking, "Aiyo, Tse Hwei... cannot talk to her wan, cannot talk to her wan!" I agree that before GLO, I was a detached person la. But until liddat meh? And once again, even before GLO, Chen Li could get along ok with me.

And I still remember before GLO (again), Sin Lan was contemplating her baptism and was hesitating because she felt that she was too sinful to be baptized. Chen Li told her that everyone sins, "except this fella here", gesturing at me.

Is that how people see me? Sinless?? That's preposterous. Can anyone be sinless?? Wait, let's rephrase that. Can anyone even SEEM sinless???????

I'm sure that I have plenty of shortcomings that were pretty obvious to all, especially those in my devotion group (before GLO), who received whackings and lectures from me on a regular basis. I was (and still am in some aspects) short-tempered, impatient, a horrible teacher, insensitive, rather cold sometimes, inconsiderate, tactless, lacking in common sense, rash, blunt, and so many more that I simply can't list them all. Aren't those sins? Or is sin only categorized under sinful and unspiritual acts (e.g. not praying or doing QT consistently)?

What Chen Li said made me realize that people are actually afraid to approach me because it seems like I'm on a higher pedestal than they are. Whether it's because I put myself there or they just think so, I would never know. It's a whole different thing to be on a higher level, because it means an upgrade that's healthy. But a higher pedestal signifies arrogance and self-glory, doesn't it? There must be something wrong with the way I conduct myself in church right??

It's awful.. I can't even be a perfectionist without intimidating people. People run from the piano when they see me coming because they think their skills are humiliating beside mine; fellow students don't like to talk about studies with me because they think their grades look awful beside mine; people don't want to swim with me anymore because they think their speed is way slower than mine and I must've been a mermaid in my past life or something; friends end opinion discussions abruptly because they think their debating skills are not compatible with mine; and the list just goes on.

I want to be able to talk about music with fellow pianists, to be able to share the joy and beauty of being one with music with someone, to find someone who can sincerely nod and not think I'm bragging when I say that I prefer to play my music than to listen to other people's music. I can't make it dinner conversation because no one at the dining table understands when I talk about music this way. They either think I'm tooting my own horn or they go, "Whoa, Chopin's long-lost cousin!" I miss the good ol' days when Seoks and I would compare grades and I would help correct her English while she helped correct my Physics. I loved those times when we all swam together, regardless of our speed, and just swam for fun. I long for those debating days, where I could put my whole heart into expressing my opinions, and then shake hands with my opponents after the debate like we were lifelong buddies.

I'll be frank. I don't like being the only pianist in church. I don't like talking to my toy dolphin about music. I don't like avoiding questions about studies and grades in class and in church. I don't like having to crack my head for some topic other than studies just because people will think I'm bragging about my grades when I bring it up. I don't like swimming alone, especially when I end up being the only swimmer in a pool the size of a football field. I don't like shutting up and sitting quietly, keeping my opinions to myself in MUET class because I'm afraid I'll end up debating with the teacher or some other student and intimidate someone in the process. I don't like all these restrictions. I don't like them at all.

In GLO, when I played the wrong song for the women's meeting, and was fumbling, looking for the right song, turning red in the process, Mel Keong whispered, "Tse Hwei! I can play! I know how to play!" Sin Lan nudged her and said with a confidence in me that surpassed my own, "She can wan la". That's what I want! Confidence in me, yet not undermining herself in the process!

Haiz.. maybe I expect too much from people. They can't meet those expectations and so go away feeling like they didn't measure up.

In that case, I need to change, don't I? But how? Restricting myself doesn't seem to be doing any good. What can I do?

Why is my blog always about me? Sigh.. I feel like Kusco the Emperor. For those who don't know, his opening line is always, "This show is about... ME!"

I'm a Kusco.

That is so not nice.

What Happens Next?

I was browsing through Lin's Friendster profile. My immediate reaction was that it was all very different from what it used to be. Her profile, I mean. New photos, brighter smiles, more cheerful profile descriptions, happier times...

JPA has done a lot for her. It kinda reminds me of what Jo said in Little Women when they were all sharing about their dreams:

"If we are all alive ten years hence, let's meet, and see how many of us have got our wishes, or how much nearer we are then than we are now."

Well, Jo never got to write books and be famous, or do heroic and wonderful things that would astonish Laurie, Meg, Beth or Amy, as she'd hoped. And Beth died somewhere along the way, and never got to take care of the house her whole life, as she'd hoped. These two examples are enough to show that none of them achieved what they'd thought was best for them.

As for me and Lin, things have changed a lot since we last complained about the MHS application.

To talk about some other people:
  • Chen Li had always wanted to do Interior Design, but along the way many things have happened that almost caused her to want to do Business instead.
  • Z always said that he wanted to do Business. Of course I had the sneaking suspicion that it was because he didn't really like anything else anyway, but to think of him as a pharmacist is strangely absurd.
  • Jie always thought that she loved Physics, and I think she still does, but not in the way that she'd initially imagined.
  • Sin Lan always spoke as if she would use her Pay Fong qualifications to study in Taiwan or something like that. I know she loved Bio, but Taiwan or Singapore has always been the ideal location for her in both my mind and hers.
  • Mel... I don't really know what she wanted to do, but she definitely wanted, as all other normal humans, to end up in a well-known University that can give her the security she desires for her future.
  • Sin Yee, well, she never really knew what she wanted in the first place. Or she thought she did. But she always jumped from one dream to another. There was once she wanted to be a dentist. Hmm.
  • Ju is also one of those who don't really know what she really wants, but to think of her as an English teacher is strikingly odd somehow.
But look and see where they've all ended up, or are going to end up:
  • Chen Li - The One Academy - Interior Design - Sept 8, 2006
  • Z - University of Nottingham - Pharmacy - Sept 18, 2006
  • Jie - UPM - Accounting
  • Sin Lan - Sedaya - Food Science and Nutrition
  • Mel - KUSTEM - Econs
  • Sin Yee - USM - Physics
  • Ju - UTAR - English - 2007
All this really makes me wonder where I'll end up in two years' time. Or what I'll end up AS. What kind of future do I have? For all I know, I could end up in Pakistan, ministering to the persecuted Christians or something. Anything can happen.

Or maybe I won't even live past tomorrow. Maybe I'll be with Jesus already.

Reminds me of a song that many declare to be utterly boring and beyond excitement:

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One who feeds the sparrow
Is the One who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

When we ponder the wonders of life, the mysteries of the future, and the greatness of our God, this song becomes much lovelier, doesn't it?

As I sit here guessing my future, I realize that the one thrill of being a mortal is not knowing the future, but having the ability to anticipate it with hope and faith in the One who knows.

Now I can leave this computer and hum this song all the way to the bathroom.
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

Why do I blog? P.S.: This is not one of those ask-and-answer-myself entries

Hmmph. A few minutes ago, as I sat here with the computer before me, and the empty post section staring me in the face, I finally admitted that I had absolutely nothing to write.

Is it because nothing's happening in my life? Nah.. many things are happening everyday.

The problem is: I don't know which event to pen down (or errr keyboard down -_-).

Why exactly do people blog? I mean, I can understand displaying your personal opinions about general and public events, but why display private stuff ONLINE where EVERYONE can see it and then deny you're feeling that way when people ask you about it, and go through the hassle of having to cover it up? Why a blog when a diary (where almost no one can intrude except occasional intrusions by siblings) is a much better means of expressing and concealing thoughts that you usually do not want others to peek into?

For instance, if I have feelings for this certain guy, and if the people who have access to my blog include people who know this guy also, won't it be a little awkward if I displayed my feelings for him in my blog? Even if the people who read my blog are not direct acquaintances, it would still be odd. Like so pathetic and desperate liddat.

Sumore cannot criticize people online =_=

Chen Li's blog is usually about every single thing that happens between her and her friends, namely juliana, yen mei, and a few others whom I don't know. Occasionally she includes events that happen in MGC, meaning there are people like Daniel, Z, and even Ken involved. What I feel is this: I am from MGC also. I've only seen my name in her blog twice or so. And that also as a kelefair (is it spelled like that?) only. Meaning, I'm mentioned as a passing breeze only. For instance, the Family Sports Day 2006. She was relating how she got soaked by a few people. And she couldn't remember the last person who splashed her with water. She made a couple of wild guesses (none of whom was me). In actual fact, I was that last person. Imagine how I felt yeah. I keep feeling like I'm not important, like I'm not significant.
In her GLO entries, her experiences mostly revolved around Shuang and Hooi Siang etc. Our MGC girls experiences... a little bit only. Most people won't understand how I can get so fussed up about such little things. Well, the fact is, I'm not a good conversationalist and a really bad socializer. When I get to fit into a group, it really makes me feel happy. In GLO, I really thought I could finally do that, you know, fit in or something. But then I'm like just a supporting role in Chen Li's story. Maybe not even a supporting role. At least they appear in every episode. I'm more like the water boy (or girl) for the movie set or something.
It's not her fault. She has the right to write whatever she wants. What I'm saying is that by using this style for blogging, there IS the possibility that I might hurt someone out there without realizing it.

So how exactly should I blog? I won't claim this blog to be mine and only mine, because the fact is that by making this blog public in the first place, I'm declaring that it is free for all to read. So my private thoughts can't exactly be expressed freely anymore. Those who keep diaries should get my drift. When I write in my diary, it's really for me. No one else should be reading it. Blogging is different. I need to blog in such a way that the readers can relate to.

After all, blog is just short for weblog. LOG. When we say 'the captain's log', it refers to a nautical record of the ship's voyage. It's for people to read, you see. The captain includes some nautical terms, of course, but he doesn't fill it with terminology that is incomprehensible to the readers.

After contemplating so much, I'm still stuck in Square 1.

Haiz. Being the lazy person I am, I'll probably take the laziest and easiest route.

Don't tell anyone about this blog.


My Destiny

You know that American Idol song, "My Destiny" by Katharine McPhee? My dad's always wondering why I prefer that song to "Do I Make You Proud" by Taylor Hicks. Let's evaluate:

With you
Finally I can break free
With you
It's all changing in my destiny
Dream come true
It's so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
I realize that it's my destiny

When I was applying for the transfer to MHS, I thought: Wow, I'm going to transfer to MHS, find new friends, start a new life there (preferably one where I don't have to be forced into the choir club), and study a totally new course. This course is what I've wanted to do ever since the thought of Form 6 entered my mind. I'm going to get it with God's help, and I'm going to be able to sing this song with some meaning. THIS is my destiny.

Guess what? My application was denied. Aww no song today.

When I was applying for a place in the Law Foundation Course of MMU, I thought: Man, I'm going to university without Form 6 Foundation, start a totally new life there (definitely one where I don't have to be forced into the choir club), and jump right into Law. This course is what I've wanted to do ever since I won the debate in Form 5. But this path that has no connection at all with Form 6 is not what I envisioned for myself at all. My way was not God's way. I've been too focused on getting what I want. I can't even take a detour because I never started on the road. How different life's turning out to be. This song's making more sense than ever. I'm going to sing it more often. THIS is my destiny.

Guess what? My second application to MHS was approved, and I found out that the law certificate in MMU is not recognized. Aww no song today.

When I came to MHS, I thought: Sigh, here I am. Finally where I thought I belonged. Why's God sending me all over the place? Am I finally here to stay? Look at the CF club - almost 20 members! So different from what I was used to in MGSS (5 members). And now I'm the president. I can't do this! I never expected this! IS this my destiny?

Funny. I should be able sing the song just fine now.

With you
Finally I can break free
With you
It's all changing in my destiny
Dream come true
It's so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
I realize that it's my destiny

Reminds me of when Uncle Stephen Low told us the story about the lady and the pastor.

Then she told me something that still haunts me: "I came this weekend with one prayer," she said. "I asked God to kill my husband. I prayed, 'Lord, I need a way out! I feel like a bird in a cage.' "

Finally she lifted her eyes and said, "When I prayed that prayer, God spoke to me as clearly as I've ever sensed His voice. He said, 'Even a bird in a cage sings.' "

With tears running down her face she asked, "What am I supposed to do with that? How do I live with that answer?"

Feeling utterly impotent, I replied, "If God says, 'sing,' you need to find your song."

Well, this is my song. It's odd how difficult it is to sing a song when it really applies to you. I find this chorus part of the song especially hard to sing. Whenever I come to the chorus, I just sort of stop singing and just stare into space.

I now realize that the most important thing is not whether I can sing this song or not. What's more important is how I sing it.

Especially that last line.

Hi Blogspot. I Am Back!

Blogger is much slower than Friendster Blogs. Hmm. And no one really reads my blogs here, I think.


You know that last post I posted about me meaning something to somebody right now? I don't really know if that's true, um, if it is, I hope it's not true because there's only one person I wish to share that with right now, and if there're other people who feel that way about me, I would really scale the wall and jump back down and break a leg or something. I shared about this in my devotion group 3 weeks ago, I think. I tend to dislike people who like me in a way that I simply cannot respond to. I really don't like it when that happens. Because usually those who do that are people I actually look forward to being close friends with. Sigh.

Anyway, that last post really reminded me of a childhood friend that I should've valued more. It's not always that I find a secular post I can relate to that well, what with all the silly chain letters flying about these days.

There is someone I want to talk about old times with. Except that's not possible. Because our "old times" covers only from the time I could remember having a friend, to once upon a Sports Day.

Yup, he was my first friend - my best friend too. It saddens me to only possess 2 tiny scraps of memory about our time together. (1) When we were digging for cila-cila and worms came crawling after us instead haha. It's hard to imagine him running for his life now the way he did at that time.

It saddens me even more to remember that the other tiny scrap of memory I have of him is the one that cost me the rest of those scraps. (2) I don't even want to talk about it cis. Too embarassing.

I really regretted being so immature in those days sigh. I've wanted so many times to say sorry already, but as you can see, I "postponed" the apologizing for 10 years already. Hmmph.

Maybe when he leaves for KL.

It'll be like too late already. Sigh.

Everything to Somebody

You are Everything To Somebody
Right now at this very minute


is very proud of you
is thinking of you
cares about you
misses you
wants to talk to you
wants to be with you
hopes you aren't in trouble


is thankful for the support you have
wants to hold your hand


hopes everything turns out all right
wants you to be happy


wants you to find them
is celebrating your successes
wants to give you a gift
think you ARE a gift
hopes you are not too cold, or too hot
wants to hug you
loves you
wants to lavish you with small gifts
admires your strength
is thinking of you and smiling
wants to be your shoulder to cry on
wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun
thinks the world of you
wants to protect you
would do anything for you
wants to be forgiven
is grateful for your forgiveness
wants to laugh with you about old times
remembers you and wishes you were there
is praising God for you
needs to know that your love is unconditional


values your advice
wants to tell you how much they care
wants to stay up watching old movies with
wants to share their dreams with you
wants to hold you in their arms
wants YOU to hold them in your arms
treasures your spirit
wishes they could STOP time because of
praises God for your friendship and lov
can't wait to see you
wishes that things didn't have to change
loves you for who you are
loves the way you make them feel
wants to be with you
is hoping they can grow old with you
hears a song that reminds them of you
wants you to know they are there for you
is glad that you're their friend
wants to be your friend
stayed up all night thinking about you
is alive because of you
is remorseful after losing your
is wishing that you would notice them
wants to get to know you better
believes that you are their soul mate
wants to be near you
misses your guidance and advice


values your guidance and advice


has faith in you


trusts you
needs you to send them this letter
needs your support
needs you to have faith in them
needs you to let them be your friend
will cry when they read this