Hmmph

Every time I read Chen Li's blog, there's something going on in her life. It can't be that nothing's going on in MY life right? I mean, I'm not THAT boring a person.

I've always admired the way she can socialize with people so easily. Ok la, maybe sometimes a bit jealous also. Maybe not just a bit. *Cough*

Really la.. it's like, how come I can't be as close to people as Chen Li is to almost everyone? I've known Geng Yi longer than she has, yet they go yam cha all the time like they've known each other since they were babies or something. I can't joke around with the MMU guys the way she can. Dunno la. When I'm around them I can just feel like we're from different worlds or something. They've been exposed to (and still are exposed to) things that are totally different dimensions from what I'm used to. The only kids I can really relate to and have fun with are Sarah and Celine, and that also not as well as Chen Li.

Why ar?

Li Lian said the other day during group devo that before I went to GLO, she kept thinking, "Aiyo, Tse Hwei... cannot talk to her wan, cannot talk to her wan!" I agree that before GLO, I was a detached person la. But until liddat meh? And once again, even before GLO, Chen Li could get along ok with me.

And I still remember before GLO (again), Sin Lan was contemplating her baptism and was hesitating because she felt that she was too sinful to be baptized. Chen Li told her that everyone sins, "except this fella here", gesturing at me.

Is that how people see me? Sinless?? That's preposterous. Can anyone be sinless?? Wait, let's rephrase that. Can anyone even SEEM sinless???????

I'm sure that I have plenty of shortcomings that were pretty obvious to all, especially those in my devotion group (before GLO), who received whackings and lectures from me on a regular basis. I was (and still am in some aspects) short-tempered, impatient, a horrible teacher, insensitive, rather cold sometimes, inconsiderate, tactless, lacking in common sense, rash, blunt, and so many more that I simply can't list them all. Aren't those sins? Or is sin only categorized under sinful and unspiritual acts (e.g. not praying or doing QT consistently)?

What Chen Li said made me realize that people are actually afraid to approach me because it seems like I'm on a higher pedestal than they are. Whether it's because I put myself there or they just think so, I would never know. It's a whole different thing to be on a higher level, because it means an upgrade that's healthy. But a higher pedestal signifies arrogance and self-glory, doesn't it? There must be something wrong with the way I conduct myself in church right??

It's awful.. I can't even be a perfectionist without intimidating people. People run from the piano when they see me coming because they think their skills are humiliating beside mine; fellow students don't like to talk about studies with me because they think their grades look awful beside mine; people don't want to swim with me anymore because they think their speed is way slower than mine and I must've been a mermaid in my past life or something; friends end opinion discussions abruptly because they think their debating skills are not compatible with mine; and the list just goes on.

I want to be able to talk about music with fellow pianists, to be able to share the joy and beauty of being one with music with someone, to find someone who can sincerely nod and not think I'm bragging when I say that I prefer to play my music than to listen to other people's music. I can't make it dinner conversation because no one at the dining table understands when I talk about music this way. They either think I'm tooting my own horn or they go, "Whoa, Chopin's long-lost cousin!" I miss the good ol' days when Seoks and I would compare grades and I would help correct her English while she helped correct my Physics. I loved those times when we all swam together, regardless of our speed, and just swam for fun. I long for those debating days, where I could put my whole heart into expressing my opinions, and then shake hands with my opponents after the debate like we were lifelong buddies.

I'll be frank. I don't like being the only pianist in church. I don't like talking to my toy dolphin about music. I don't like avoiding questions about studies and grades in class and in church. I don't like having to crack my head for some topic other than studies just because people will think I'm bragging about my grades when I bring it up. I don't like swimming alone, especially when I end up being the only swimmer in a pool the size of a football field. I don't like shutting up and sitting quietly, keeping my opinions to myself in MUET class because I'm afraid I'll end up debating with the teacher or some other student and intimidate someone in the process. I don't like all these restrictions. I don't like them at all.

In GLO, when I played the wrong song for the women's meeting, and was fumbling, looking for the right song, turning red in the process, Mel Keong whispered, "Tse Hwei! I can play! I know how to play!" Sin Lan nudged her and said with a confidence in me that surpassed my own, "She can wan la". That's what I want! Confidence in me, yet not undermining herself in the process!

Haiz.. maybe I expect too much from people. They can't meet those expectations and so go away feeling like they didn't measure up.

In that case, I need to change, don't I? But how? Restricting myself doesn't seem to be doing any good. What can I do?

Why is my blog always about me? Sigh.. I feel like Kusco the Emperor. For those who don't know, his opening line is always, "This show is about... ME!"

I'm a Kusco.

That is so not nice.