where can i go

went to see popo. although i was supposed to drive back in the evening. because of that video. told popo of how i think i can answer the tutors' questions in tutorial classes, but don't, because i hesitate. because i'm afraid.

popo gave a surprise motivational lecture on how as a lim, i must be brave. i mustn't be afraid to learn and to make mistakes. she said that grandpa always praised my aunt's intelligence; dad and uncle tp are intelligent too; so is mum; so is sis... and then she said it's a good thing we got all that from grandpa, and not from her, because she's... well, the chinese words she used were dan chun. stupid. i don't like the words. because my grandma is so not stupid. both my grandmas are intelligent women, robbed of the glory and praises their male counterparts received, only because of their lack of education.

i felt sad when she said all that, because i had that nagging feeling. you know how it is with grandmas? you keep wondering, although you try not to, when they will leave you.

choy, someone will say, and kick me in the butt.

but it's true.

you make so many resolutions - to spend more time with them, to talk to them more instead of going on the net when you're in their house, to give them so much love their blood oozes it...

and then you procrastinate.

and then it's too late.

that love that you wanted so much to give them, is the very love that will break your heart beyond repair when that day comes.

if only i...
if only we...
if only.
if only.

sometimes you can tell by the way they talk. sometimes they know when they're gonna leave. i've nothing much to say about this, because - praise God - both my grandmas are still with me. but yeah, sometimes you can tell. sometimes it's not the when itself, but the possibility of when.

i read a journal entry written not too long ago. it was a day before sunday. and what i wrote can be summed up in this question i asked God today:

Where can I go from Your spirit?

Psalm 139:7

no, it wasn't uttered in praise. read it in the context of this entire post.

i wonder, if God were human, if He'd get that nagging feeling when i say things like that.

sis says my blog is not for the bimbotic, or for the unbimbotic who need occasional bimbotic moments.

here's another anti-bimbotic post. =P