To tell the truth...

I'm not a very sympathetic person. People don't move me much.

It'd be too harsh to say that I don't really care about people.

I would rather say that they don't affect me much. I don't know if that's the trait I was born with, or if it was somehow embedded into me along the way.

But I'm not completely unsympathetic.

There's one thing about other people that stops me in my tracks.

Death.
Or the possibility of death.

There's one thing about other people that makes me cry (very involuntarily).

When they cry.

There's one thing about other people that makes me want to do something more than sympathize.

Their loss.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:13

If they ever read that verse, that must have been the verse running through their minds.

And there would've been that little voice in their heads that made the feeling of loss seem like an echo resounding against an invisible wall.

Take me instead.

*a link to the blog i took the pictures from*

Carina, Jun Yi, Kevin

...are going away.





Why do I feel like I keep saying goodbye?

-_-

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Who invented that word?

Ish!

Well, even if he didn't, there's always buhbye, bye, bye bye, sayonara, bon voyage, zai jian, selamat tinggal...

So I guess I can't really blame the guy.

Dinner-ed with Kevin and Shu Lynn because Carina couldn't make it, and Jun Yi had already gone home to Penang by Saturday.

Kevin showcased his prowess as the next Makan Champion after CK and Jun Yi.

Shu Lynn and Shaun showcased their love for the camera.
Dots.

We had a pudding each after dinner.

Sis: It tastes like dishwashing soap.
Me: Yeah. I like it.

...

Everyone: That sounds wrong.

Then we went back to the house for Kevin to collect his car, and Dad invited them in for a drink.

in the end, Shu Lynn tergoda & played football with Shaun on the PS2.

Then we watched Get Smart =D The series, not the movie. Those who haven't watched it must watch la! Funny giler. I really ROFL and LOL-ed the entire episode. And that reminds me. We were talking about how odd it is that people type LOL online but they don't actually laugh out loud when they say it. Same goes for Rolling On Floor Laughing.

So we decided among the 6 of us that we would roll on the floor, laugh out loud and er well <fill in the blanks> whenever we type ROFL, LOL, or LMAO.

And so my last day with at least Kevin ended with some happy memories, instead of feeling that hated feeling of emptiness when we have to let go of someone.

All farewells should end this way.


p/s: just realized we didn't have that drink.

*Clock starts*

Twoallbeefpatticespecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun

-2 more seconds-

*Ding*

Siap!

Gimme my Big Mac!

Let's hope it happens this way later.

I Heard Music

Strumming of a guitar.

Music.

So rare in the neighbourhood.

I think people are probably bored of only hearing a piano resound through the neighbourhood (noise travels fast and furious in Bukit Katil).

I'd heard the folks next door play the guitar before, but it was very soft, like now! (just now)

So excited.

Then... I realized... the sound was coming from under the laptop. Meaning...

From the little holes underneath for the speaker.

Rupanya...

Frederick's blog got music wan.

Ish.

*sedih*

And we all say.

God helps those who help themselves.

We live in an independent society in an independent age.

Heck, there's even the modern philosophy which states that I am the god of my own world.

Yup. We're independent, and we're proud of it.

If you think you can, you can.

If I believe I can, I can.

I can. I must. Therefore I will.

I know I'm more blessed than most people. And no, I'm not just sayin'.

For starters, I have a cousin whose father literally drowned in debts to the day of his sudden death. For years, I had a cousin who told me everyday that God was unfair, He cursed her and blessed me instead.

When you're told the same thing for years, you eventually come round and realize it's true.

I have friends who have to work hard to sustain themselves through school,
...who had to move around to escape their fathers' loan sharks,
...who have forgotten what life's like with both parents,
...whose parents are in the final stage of a terminal illness,
...who passed away from terminal illnesses...

And when I look at the people of China, Thailand and Myanmar who are plagued with natural disasters, people in countries with political unrest, people of dry, hungry lands, believers who are killed simply because they believe... I have to lay aside all aspirations to be called one of the "suffering", because I know God has put me in circumstances that are calm and safe.

Friends in school think that aside from my blurness, I'm one of those who never have problems at all. Even if I do, I'm strong enough to face them head-on.

She has no temper wan. She never gets angry.
If they had only seen me in my rage. Make that rage-S.

She's capable of facing anything that comes her way.
If they had only seen the eyes that were swollen from a night-long cry.

Her parents must be so proud of her. She doesn't give them any problems.
If they had only seen the journal pages full of my regrets, disappointments in myself, and my parents' disappointments with me.

She never has problems.
If they could only see the need in my eyes for someone to press me to tell them how I was faring that day.

God has put me in certain circumstances. But He has also provided certain situations. Situations to make me more human to others. Situations to help me relate to others and their pain.

I have said that I can accomplish what I want if I want it hard enough to work for it.

And God has proven countless times that sheer willpower is not enough to carry me through.

Ever drove like a maniac on the road just because you were angry?
Ever shivered over the thought of almost killing your brother?
Ever trembled at the rage you know wars within you?
Ever shed tears because you caused them in somebody else's eyes?

There have been broken times. Times when things got so bad I didn't know how -- scratch that, I didn't even know where to begin putting things right.

It's like getting hopelessly stuck in a math question, and forcing yourself to finish it. You turn to the back of the book for the answer, though in your heart, you have an uneasy feeling that you know what to expect.

And you were right.

Because when you get to the back of the book, all you see is a different answer.

Not even a quarter-page of workings to help you figure out where you went wrong.

Nothing but the knowledge that you went wrong somewhere.

God helps those who help themselves.

I do beg your pardon, Benjamin Franklin, sir. But what were you thinking when you penned that line?

It's like saying "The doctor cures the healthy", or "Saviour of the strong", or "The preacher calls the righteous to repentance", or "The government gives scholarships and SPBT to the rich".

Of all the above, I'd say the only thing that really happens is the last. And we all find that deed terribly ridiculous and unfair, don't we? (unless you're one of the rich who get scholarships)

Of what use is a doctor who cures the healthy?

He can't even tell that there's nothing wrong with them.

Of what use is a saviour who saves the strong?

He can't even tell that there's nothing to save.

Of what use is a government that gives scholarships to the wrong people?

We all know the answer to that.

Of what use is a God who helps those who help themselves?

He can't even tell that they don't need Him.

God helps those who help themselves.

It is a dreadful tease to those who find themselves utterly unable to finish the math question.

It is a terribly mockery to those unconscious in a coma, and to Mrs Chuah's pain, and her vegetablized mother.

Oh.

I didn't finish that first line. The one at the top. When I heard it, it went something like this:

We often hear this saying:
"God helps those who help themselves."

But brothers and sisters, I say,
"God helps those who cannot help themselves."

And that -- is why we are gathered here today.

I might've brushed it away if anybody else said it.

But this was Mrs Chuah, the 70-year-0ld lady in church who rushed home every Sunday to care for her aged mother to the day of her death last year.

Through the decades of talking to and looking after a still figure everyday, I wonder...

...if she ever looked at the emptiness in her mother's eyes and recalled that there was once love, happiness, severity, anger, and sorrow in them.

...if she ever wiped the trickling food from her mother's chin and recalled the moments her mother fed her and set home-cooked food on the family dinner table.

...if she ever threw the food-stained cloth onto the floor and cried her eyes out.

...How did she feel every May 11?

She always looked so thankful, so joyful, so strong.

And here she was, admitting that she was just as helpless as anybody else; finally revealing to us the secret of her joy.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Was there anyone more worthy to sing so?

Is there anyone less worthy? Are we any less helpless?

Are we really as independent as we think we are?

When we look at the pain and suffering in the world, is the right question really, Where is God?

Or should we be asking, Do we need God?

Now if that were the question, look around you again and think.

What do you think the answer is?

*edit*

my com goes crazy sometimes
*click to enlarge*

These Days...

I get irritated when people outside the family goof around when the situation is serious.

Or when I'm being serious.

Or when they talk about things that I think are unnecessary general talk.

Or when there are things to be serious about, and they're not serious-ing about those things.

Not that they're being hyper, because they usually do that on other days, and I was alright with that.

These days...

I seem to be obsessed with seriousness.

And I can't stand general talk.

And I get annoyed when people talk about having fun.

Or when they talk and laugh crazily.

...It must be PMS.

This is another short post.

I just want to say...

Ironman is actually the Western version of Ultraman.

Except he can actually talk while he's in the suit, and he's funnier.

Oh ya, the suit's more advanced also.

No further updates for some time.

Because the mind is being bothered again.

Plus...

I have to go pang sai!

(I can imagine El saying: "Don't say that to the guy you like.")

The Mind has been liberated

So I shall burden you guys with updates.

#1 12 May 2008

• Hey justin kek just msged me n ask if u could go 2 sch on weds 2 give a talk 2 d lower sixers. N could u call any1 who got 4 flat too?

Right.

I can only imagine:

• ....

Don't want to say what I imagine la. -_-"

Here's what I replied:

• Er better not la. My study habits not very edifying wan. ^_^"

Thinking back though, maybe I should've gone. Because I know very well that I do not deserve what I got for STPM, and that the real credit goes to God, and this could've been a chance for me to tell people that, and to encourage the Christians who would be dying over having to skip extra classes for CF.

I didn't.

=(

Regret.

I remember one line by Trip from Star Trek that I find hard to leave behind. It was during a visit by the group labelled V'tosh ka'tur (Vulcans without logic) - A group of Vulcans that chose to leave the Vulcan home-planet to find a balance between emotion and logic instead of continually suppressing their emotions. Trip was particularly close with a Vulcan named Kov. One fine day, Kov received a transmission that said that his father was dying, but Kov refused to return to his ailing father, because "we said our goodbyes 20 years ago". Trip then began to casually relate his own experience with the emotion Regret, and then looked at Kov in the eye and said:

• Regret is one of the strongest and saddest emotions. It's one emotion you never want to have. If it's possible, you should avoid it.
  

True, true.

Shall avoid it the next time it calls.


#2 13 May 2008

Attempted to make it to Giant on my own.


...


Psst. Your cue to recoil in horror.


#3 13 May 2008

Was trying to teach Ken how to make gubahan corak selang-seli for his Art exam the next day.

5 words:

Completely. Lacking. In. Artistic. Skills.

'Nuff said.


#4 14 May 2008

Went for a BBQ with Form 6-mates after prayer meet. Yep, I don't call them ex-classmates. Cuz they still are my classmates! =D

Called Benny up and asked him how to get to Pantai Kundor, and he said:

• From your church, you go straighttttttttttttt up only. Then straight straight d you'll reach the Everly Resort, formerly known as Riviera Bay. Then further on, you will see a signboard that says turn left to Pantai Puteri. After turning left after the signboard, you go straightttttttttttt somemore. Then you will come to Tanjung Samudera on your right. On your left, you can see us already.

So simple right?

After 3 seconds of hanging up, his instructions became this (in my mind):

• Straighttttttttttttt. The <blank> Resort (Riviera Bay). Signboard that says turn left to Pantai Puteri. Left after signboard, straightttttttttttt somemore. <blank> On your <blank>, you can see us already.

It happens.

A lot.

So I overshot and was sensible enough to realize that I'd been driving for like forever. So I called Benny and then made a U-turn. Then after awhile, he called and said,

• Tze Wei, I just saw your car overshot us d leh!
  

Me: Izzit??

• Don't brake! Don't brake! Got car behind you!

Good time with the classmates though. Will blog about it when I get the pictures from Wan Ting and Shiek Ching. My cameraphone wasn't very good in the dark. ^_^"


#5 14 & 15 May 2008

Been tutoring Ken for his exam next week. 5 words:

I. Am. A. Science. Dropout.

'Nuff said.

(well, at least I'm good at summing up stuff in 5 words)



p/s: wondering how the classmates managed to go home in their sea-soaked clothes.

Note:

If I fail to reply on MSN for a long period of time, it means that MSN has gone crazy.


If I tetiba offline on MSN without giving a farewell greeting that is aligned with the season of the day, it means that either MSN has gone crazy or my connection has gone kapunk.


So sorry for not replying and tetiba offlining!

The mind is bothered.

so no relevant blog post till it is liberated.

When Satan Whispers

You know that book by Max Lucado? The one where he makes Moses an office janitor God speaks to through a mop bucket? No?

Here it is:

When God Whispers Your Name

How did it feel to hear that title?

When God Whispers Your Name

Gives you tingles right?

Wow. He whispers my name.

Even without "God" in there, the word "whisper" has always been an intriguing one. You think hush, shh, and all sorts of other such words when someone says whisper.

I was reading today. And this caught my eye:

• I believe Satan trains battalions of demons to whisper one question in our ears: "What are people thinking of you?"
• Max Lucado, It's Not About Me, emphasis mine
  

It struck me because... how many of us are aware of the spiritual battle going on around us? Sure, I've been told. I've read it in the Bible more times than I can count. I've heard sermons on it.

But how aware am I?

Imagine changing the book title a little bit. Instead of When God Whispers Your Name, let's have...

When Satan Whispers Your Name

I don't know about you, but that definitely freaks me out.

But Satan isn't satisfied with just knowing my name, is he now? He starts with my name - hwei, then adds somemore, what are people thinking of you?

And he makes that thought mine.

That's where it begins.

I can relate. Very much. Too much.

Awhile later, I turned on the computer to start on the notes at the back of the book. And I happened to think of checking Bel's blog. And this is her latest entry:

recently the Lord has opened my eyes to see how prideful i am.. it's nothing new, i've always been fully aware of my pride, even embraced it sometimes.. i mean who doesn't like the feeling of being some1 important? but throughout the years i've tried to hide it, control it, n i think it's time for me to fully surrender this weakness of mine in total abandonment to the Lord..

He has shown me just how ugly this pride has made me to become.. when we really think bout it, just imagine how disgusted God must be feeling everytime we brag bout something we think we have.. but in fact everything that we think we have, even this fragile life of ours was so graciously given by Him.. i really wonder how God can tahan us humans.. n u know wat? this blog has not helped me in this pride issue at all..

in fact it has only tempted me all the more to post up stuff to deceive ppl bout how "great" n "humble" i am.. i mean, wat's the point of blogging bout, for example, my day out wit friends watching movies (was thinking of blogging bout it) while deep inside, my motive of wanting to do so is to show every1 reading that i have plenty of friends, that i'm a person who knows how to have fun, that i'm cool.. n by doing so, i'm only feeding my pride.. it got so serious that everytime anything interesting happens, i'm alr thinking of how to blog bout it, n how this is gonna deceive ppl into thinking that i'm living a fairytale life..

when i first started blogging, i used the excuse of blogging as a means of telling old friends how i'm doing, wat i've been up to, n even as an encouragement to those reading it, in hopes of glorifying God in the events of my life.. but pride took over n i'm now writing to show off how "great" my life is..

so fellow blog readers, i apologize for all the deceit that i've been crapping in here.. ya, when we really think bout it, it's all just crap!! rubbish, isn't it? so until i've learnt to fully surrender this damaging pride of mine into His hands, i think it's best that i stop blogging for awhile.. plz pray for me ya.. i'm boldly coming out n sharing this coz i cant handle this myself, i need ur prayers.. thank u all for ur support..

Dear God...

You're doing it again.

Bel isn't the only one who needs help. I know I do. And which one of you reading this can honestly put up your hand and say otherwise?

God bless you if you've learned to do that. As Lucado said, take time to pray for us applause-holics here.

But if you haven't, please take a moment to turn away from whatever other tabs you have there on Mozilla or IE, (and MSN), and identify your pride as a problem. Then begin to ask God to help you overcome it.

Then pray for Bel and me. And don't forget yourself.

You know my MSN status that's always (since 2 days ago lol) about origami?

Ah Hwei Jie Jie.

Yes?

You have an origami book.

Yup.

You're using it to make a paper airplane.

It's a glider.

...

Ah Hwei Jie Jie.

Yes?

It's a paper airplane.


ken. let's not be too precise in life.

This is from Shaun's blog

(and you know what to expect from anything that belongs to Shaun)

Just so you guys know... some of my cousins in:

• . Johor = Kevin, Melissa
• . Singapore = See Kheng, See Han, Collin
• . Germany = Chor Yeow
• . England = Uncle Tp's sons that I haven't met (tall, big, and rugby-ish looking!)
  
• . Malacca = Chor Hui, Jenny, Stephen, and er too many to list down (mum has 8 siblings)
  
• . USA = Lin
• . KL (Shaun forgot) = Joel, Erwin

And er, ya, don't miss out the hawaiian dance thing too.

Kepotongan Stim

RM 0.50: <-------- makan duit!!

88033104****
STPM/SETARAF :

Borang permohonan
anda telah diterima
dan sedang
diproses. Keputusan
Permohonan akan
dimaklumkan
minggu ke-3 Jun
2008


then next time don't tell people ok?

And I wonder what The Star has been publishing.


What is it that's supposed to be out today anyway? *so mysterious*

Sheesh.

i forgive you, because i really couldn't care less about you.
and you probably have the right to write whatever you want on your website also.
dots.

Results AGAIN

I hate waiting for results.

Of ANY kind.

Taking exams and submitting applications are fun though.

And no, I am not a nerd.

Even if I am...

Nerds are smart.

Bleh.



p/s: to someone... am waiting to flush it down the toilet cuz i noe you're gonna be doing it again. *lalala*

Mother's Day 2008 - Out with the Siahs (not as in "out with you!" kind of out)

We had a Mother's Day dinner for Ah Mah (mum's mum) last Sunday. So my Johorean cousins (aunt and uncle too, of course) came up to Malacca! As is the usual practice, they came to church on Sunday morning, cabut for Kevin's mi rebus after lingering awhile (-_-), and then met up with us again for MGC's badminton thingy at MAKSAT.

Football was off that day cuz Mum told us not to be back late for the dinner at 7pm. Football usually lasts till 6.30++pm and then it's a 40-min drive home. For a Malaccan, that's a really long drive.

So I went for badminton cuz I er made an appointment with Mel.

"Your badminton good wan ar?"

*shakes head forlornly*
"Eh then same la."
"Izit? You don't play badminton wan ar?"
"No, I'm just there as a decoration. Mostly in the canteen only wan."
"Really??"
"Yeah. You going anot? You go I go la. Then we lepak in the canteen."

She obviously didn't think I was taking things quite literally.

Melissa Siah . 16 . Putting on the shoes she asked me to lend her.

So Mel ended up playing (i salute your courage, girl!). Me?

this is the life~

correction. this is my life. canteen's closed. *hungry*

Anyway, let me introduce my relatives from DGC.

Mel has a self-fixed diamond-studded phone with a really cool mirror in front:

i can do this with her mirror

...called me "ah fei" (si gemuk) when we were younger cuz she couldn't pronounce my name, has a gazillion little doll statues and posters in her room, has a really sweet-looking face, dresses well like her mum, and currently dislikes Science.

kevin siah . 20 . studying in singapore .

I remember him best as the guy I could never beat in height. Ish. He takes after his dad's badminton prowess, has a speaker and microphone in his car which he is very tempted to use to pretend to be a policeman so he can zoom his way through traffic, has a CD stuck to his room fan, looks nice in well-ironed clothes (lol), and had a really bad History teacher who managed to let him grow up thinking Singapore never left Malaysia.

So, why don't want to study local?
Singapore is local wat.

Yeah, well. I hope his Engineering is better than his History. Haha~

siah tuck bin . my crazy uncle .
showing off his sweat-infested shirt

It seems to be the case that all my uncles are crazy. Hmm. Aside from that, his prowess on the badminton court is undeniable, he goes crazy over soccer and cars (and Stargate...), is really, really hospitable and welcoming, makes jokes that are sometimes lame but always funny, and is always asking me and the other Lims to go on a vacation with him to some random place like a boat in the middle of some watery place. ^_^"

No pic of Ah Yi! (Auntie Yardley) =( But she's a really pretty lady who talks exactly like Mum, has extremely great taste in shoes and clothes, can tahan walking around a shopping mall non-stop for at least 4 hours, introduces great apple juice, and is totally hospitable too.

Done!

Later that night, we had dinner with ah mah and the Siahs. They were late, and so Mum asked to call Kevin. I called halfway and hung up, since Mum already got Ah Yi on the phone. Kevin sms-ed back:

?

Takper d. I'm hwei, btw. (save my number! ^_^")

Haha..lol! u guys there ade?

Of course! Haha. Later force shaun to let you hear the recording of his date with 'michelle' on his hp. XD

And after we finished some of the peanuts, they turned up. Looking zombified, I must say. (proof that badminton is hazardous to one's health!)

Since we taught them all sorts of cool stuff the last time we had dinner, they requested for somemore to bring back home to JB (to share with them DGC folks? haha.) We taught them the one about the cows, grandma's likes and dislikes, and Black Magic already, so...

here's the Finger Game! always a hit at the dinner table! =D

Kevin got it after 2 tries though. Cis! (maybe his Engineering is better than his History)

We also taught them how to tell if an RM note is fake money, and they in turn, enlightened us and showed us that the Malaysian government predicted the making of our very first astronaut a long time ago and stamped it on our RM5 note. Get me to show it to you la. It's real enlightening.

Yep, we had fun that night. Especially after letting them hear the recording of Shaun's date with Michelle. =D ...And also after watching Kevin painfully eat the pig's butt. Eee.

There was a time when we were very close - almost as close as we are with our other cousins that we grew up with in Malacca. When I was dunno how old, Uncle Tuck Bin even asked me to stay with them in JB for a week. And I did! =D We spent literally the entire week having fun pretending we were the Power Rangers on skates and roller-blades, having pillow fights, having late night chats, going shopping (though the real shopping was torture at the time. wait. it still is.) and watching Karate Kid at home.

Being young kiddos though, we had our squabbles. Ah Yi would always tell me to not force myself if I couldn't finish a meal, but I always tried to (not that i had to try hard. the food was always delicious. =D). But there was once I really couldn't finish the porridge we had for lunch. So I decided to not finish it and leave it at the sink. And Kevin straightway yelled, "Ma! Ah Hwei's wasting!"

-_-

Ah Yi ignored him. =P

As for me and Mel, we were at the prime of our girlishness and would talk about all sorts of things in the room at night. And of course... we did the turn-on-flashlights-secretly thing under the blankets. Ah haha~

It was seriously hard to leave when Saturday came round.

Anyway, whenever we went over to ah mah's place after church, we'd be rolling each other up in the billions of mattresses ah mah had stashed in the rooms. Then we'd make mattress-tunnels and take turns crawling in and out of them. And how can I forget the game with the rings? The one with the earth, heart, wind, water and fire elements thing wan. We all had different powers, and everyone would always race to get the one with the heart. Then if someone turned off the glowing spotlighty light in the room, everyone had to freeze cuz we tetiba no power or something. ^_^"

Kiddish games, but they were fun. They still are. And I would play them with my cousins if someone would suggest them again (unlikely though).

Then there was a period of time when we became total strangers to each other. After-church visits to ah mah's place were pure torture, especially during CNY, and the Lims would always try to secure a place upstairs, far far away from the other relatives so we wouldn't have to talk to anybody. Especially the cousins that were "way too cool" for us. Shaun would ask me what happened to us. And I would say:

We grew up.

That was the only explanation I could rack up. Why else did we grow distant? I couldn't think of any other reason. We weren't just distant, we were quietly hostile towards each other. Awful moments. I don't ever want to go back to those times.

Thank God we finally warmed back up to each other one CNY. Can't remember which, but it was only a few years ago. We started with having no place to sit upstairs, so we had to lodge ourselves at the dining table near the living room. Not wanting to have to sit with the adults, the Siahs came over and sat there too, along with Collin (our older cousin - another crazy nut. working in s'pore. i think it's the s'pore air that affects ppl.). We had a nice, long time of conversation, and ended it by each deciding that the other wasn't so bad after all. CNY's became better, and we actually look for them every year we go over.

Somewhere along the way, Shaun asked me again: What happened to us ar? And I said:

We grew up.

But this time, I said it without hesitation. And it was a happier line than the first.

And so... I learned that it is the same for all relationships.

Being born with the same blood doesn't mean there is an automatic immunity to the relationship.

We still need to work hard to maintain the relationship.

It's not about how hard it is. Rather, it's about how much we want it.

I'm glad both sides wanted it bad enough. =)



p/s: Ken stole my handphone, so I didn't take any pictures except the one with Shaun doing the finger game. He took lots of pictures of the ceiling, flora, lights... but didn't take any of my grandma. -_-

I Dislike...

...Phone calls.

The sound of the phone ringing annoys me.

The feel of the sweat from my hands trickling down my elbow irritates me.

One of the main reasons why I do not want to get a boyfriend.

I don't think the relationship will last very long if I live on MSN and SMS all my life.

*phone rings*

*Hey, hwei. How was your day--*

*[fill in name], go on MSN k. I'll see you online later.*

*dial tone*

Yeah, well, if you can convince me to like phone calls, then maybe I'll consider the relationship.

All the best to you.

p/s: to friends who do call me, don't worry about it. you call because you have something important to say, and i welcome your importance. it's just that i don't see the logic of talking to a person on the phone more often than i usually would with him just because he's my boyfriend. for now, anyway.

When Lims Talk About Christmas

that's my hand on ken's face. the covering is symbolic. lol.

Sis: "Christmas is a time for giving. God gave Jesus, the wise men gave gifts..."

Me: "So Mary and Joseph gave what?"

Shaun: "Mary give birth, Joseph give face... Herod gave up!"

I chose this pic cuz it seems appropriate. go figure.

Slapped On The Face

15 minutes of led worship by Uncle Rod

song 561 - Heaven Is In My Heart

Miscommunication. Uncle Rod started with verse 1 while I started with the chorus.

Worship

song 352

Didn't hear the lady (yes, a lady) request for the song cuz she was too soft (didn't even hear a squeak). Sis had to send Ken over to the piano to tell me, "Ah hwei jie jie! song 352!"

Uncle Tuck Bin's song (forgot what number)

Being the pengsan-after-seeing-a-lot-of-notes kind of pianist, I pengsan-ed after seeing a lot of notes in the song. Played something I don't even know can be termed an intro or not, and then crapped the *quavers at the start of the song.



...I didn't play for Open Worship cuz I went to the toilet to make a huge bomb for longer than it took for Uncle Rod to finish passing the bread and cup. So sis and Yen took over and played.

One funny thing is...

03/05/2008 (Saturday) - Teach me humility, Lord. Help it not to be about me.

04/05/2008 (Sunday) - I was humbled.

Another funny thing is...

I'd usually be blushing like a ripe tomato (is that the reddest?) when these things happen.

I didn't this time.

If I learned 3 things, I'd say they were #1: It's not about me, #2: God is efficient, #3: God is not out to get me.

Usually I'd blush because I'd be thinking of my own reputation, and asking a lot of "why" questions. Usually I'd be struggling to keep my pride and ego in check when playing the piano.

Today, it was much easier to focus on what should be focused on.

By the way, after worship, I asked sis who asked for song 352, and she told me who, plus added that a lot of people also didn't hear, and some only managed to flip to the song after we finished singing it twice. And when I told Uncle Tuck Bin I was sorry for messing up the song at the start of it, he said, "It's ok. We're all blur also. Blur and blur become clear d." Made me undecided as to whether I should say thank you or laugh. But it meant it was ok.

I usually let it go, as they say, when I do stuff like that. But this time I decided I should talk to people about the mistakes I made. I'm glad I found that people also realized that worship was about God, and so I didn't have to apologize to them if I made mistakes.

Many songs were according to the theme today, and many songs touched me, but I figured I'd never finish blogging if I wrote about all of them. So I've decided to just put up the video Uncle Rod showed at the end of the Open Worship.

Nick Vujicic - The Man Who Lives Without His Limbs.

Even if I get married, I can't hold my wife's hand.
I can't dance with my bride on our wedding day.
I can't put my arms around my son when he cries.

In the midst of our sufferings, the question you should ask yourself is:
Is God still worthy of my praise?

We should not compare sufferings.

The message I share with the world is:
If I can trust God in my circumstances, you can trust God in your circumstances.

Emo. For Real.

I'm a girl. I shouldn't be leading. I'm not the leader here.

Dish everything and blame it on the guys' inability and lethargy. Say that they're not doing what they're supposed to do. This is all their fault. They should be rising to the occasion. Flip my sermon notebook and quote that verse about women keeping silent in church. Shrug my shoulders and explain why men would make better leaders.

I'm so tempted to be irresponsible.

I'm upset. I'm disappointed.

How can I be disappointed with the youth? I can't force my convictions on them. I have no right to.

A leader is supposed to inspire and motivate others. Today wasn't inspiring at all. Don't think it came close to motivating. They didn't budge an inch.

No, I'm not disappointed with them. I'm disappointed with myself.

I should have been stronger. I should have spoken with more gusto. I should have been so impassioned they'd get caught in it. There were so many things I should have done.

I usually tell myself to crawl out of the dumps because self-pity doesn't help anything. Forget about what I can't do and what has passed, and focus on the next thing that I can do. My famous life motto. It's stamped on my forehead. Copyrighted, even.

It's kinda difficult to do that when I don't know exactly what it is I'm supposed to do next.

Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity.

I can forgive others in a day. I can forget how much I was angry with them in a few days.

But I can't forgive myself that easily.

It's easy to walk away from someone and put aside the hurt and anger. Because I can tell myself that it's not a big deal. Make that person less important in my life. Snip off a little care from the relationship. Replace that snipped bit with a little ignorance. Then I wouldn't feel so angry. Then I can forget.

How on earth do I care less about myself?

Jump off a boulder? Go bungee-jumping and cut a thread off the rope? Pretend I'm not there here? Stop talking to myself?

All those other times, I can pretend I resolved the conflict and call it forgiveness. Add a little selective memory disguised as bad memory, and I say I have forgiven and forgotten.

It's hard to forgive myself. Because I can't run away from having to forgive myself.

No, I'm not that upset anymore. He read my mind and saved me some serious mind-talking, and He said to leave it aside for now. I can pull your pig-tails and laugh my guts out, or jump at the chance to pull a birthday surprise on someone if you called me this instant.

But I'm still not forgiven.

Dad shared that one of the strongest discouragements in his time as an elder was the knowledge that he failed to inspire his sheep. I know the ending to that story. Wonder if my story will go the same way.

Most readers will be scoffing at this post, and thinking that this kind of stuff should be kept to myself. Some might even scoff at the emo-ness I'm feeling.

Scoff la. It's not like I didn't when somebody else who was leading said the same thing.

But it's okay. You'll go through it, if you stand up long enough to stop warming the pew. When you come to me, repeating everything I wrote up there, I'll still pat your back. I would've been crushed if those I'd scoffed at had turned away when I turned to them.

Not pointing fingers at anyone, in case you're wondering. I'm just generally welcoming anyone who has the same emo-ness in future, and extending my hand for the patting in advance. So come along. Even if takes a few years. As long as I have my hand, I'm alright with patting someone on the back.

"There's more discouragement than encouragement."
*pat*

"I wonder if this will ever get anywhere."
*pat*

"I feel so tired, so drained. Why was I picked for this role?"
*pat*

And know what? Although that pat probably wouldn't solve anything, you'll feel better. Because you'll know I understand. And that's probably the next best thing.

I'm a girl. I shouldn't be leading. I'm not the leader here.

The temptation is so strong.

I was already not strong enough as a leader. I will not allow myself to be found wanting as a person.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Ephesians 6:13 (emphasis mine)

Willpower.

It is heavy, Lord. And I am weak.

Mother's Day Is Coming

what do you get someone who usually does all the getting for you?

Emo

Some people write poems in their emo-ness.

Some poems are written for others as a token of appreciation.


My friend,
Some one who is special,
Who walked into my life,
When the world turned me down,
And quietly putting back the pieces together,
To make my life whole again.

Without you, my friend,
Days wouldn't have be so cheerful,
Life will not be so meaningful,
For whatever I do,
You'll never let me down.

For you, my friend,
You are the angel sent from above,
As pure as the stars blinking above the sky,
I appreciate all you did for me,
When you picked me back up,
And said everything is going to be fine.

I love you, my friend,
Things are never the same again,
Because you are my friend.
Thank you for being my friend


(\___/)
(='_'=)
(") (") * by the guardian shadow *

- Lau Jun Yi


Poems come in all sorts of forms.


Take time to pause
It’s the time to find the cause

Take time to pause
So you will never get lost

Take time to pause
Either to mourn or to applause

Take time to pause
And bring it before The Boss

Take time to pause
No matter what it cost

Take time to pause
And get back to The Source

Take time to pause…

- Lue Jun Yi


Emo poems can be happy too!


I'm happy to be in the truth
All my life Your Word has carry me through
Your Word is like milk to a baby with one tooth
And meat for the grown-up adults too

And I will daily lift my hands
And my legs too if I can
I'll sing will all my might like a man
Cause I'm Jesus no.1 fan!

For I will always sing
Of our victorious King
Like a K.O. punch in a boxing ring
On the cross, God claimed His famous win!

- excerpt from Jun Yi's poem (APA style footnote is too complicated bweh)

But oft-times, poems find their glory in the other emotion.

This, is a poem bout, how I feel,
how I never enjoyed every meal,
As I sit and ponder at the memories we made,
Guess they are just history, which soon, will fade.

I made a promise to be my chirpy self again
The girl, forever smiling, despite the rain
Things are gonna be different from now on
and yes, I can firmly say, those times are gone.

What goes through me now, only He will know
As harsh as this may sound, I'm gonna let go
But deep inside me, lies another story
The story, written and known only by Elena Lee

- Elena's poem, in excerpts

I was emo-ing too, the other day - not yesterday (and definitely not today) - and I decided, Hey, I'll write one too. If they can do it, I can!

An extract from my own journal:

Come, since I sedang emo - try write poem.

-a few seconds pass-


Er Er....

-a few more seconds pass-


I got nothin'. ^_^"

I tried!

I really did!

True, I used to write a lot of poems (other people's poems) when I was younger, since we had the practice of circulating autograph books for everybody to write poems in.

tarzan, tarzan in the air
tarzan lost his underwear
tarzan said: "i don't care"
"jane will buy me another pair"

("No," I told myself. "Those cheesy friendship poems are not for me.")

Some of them didn't even rhyme.

roses are red
violets are blue
girls are born pretty
what happened to you?!

And sometimes, I ran out of ideas and copied somebody else's poem bulat-bulat into the book.

sheng jing bing
you mao bing
qu dao yi yuan mei you bing
hui dao jia
*edit* you mao bing *edit*

-popular poem among the Hainanese in the family-
about a guy who got penyakit,
loses the penyakit when he gets to the hospital,
and gets it again once he's home

One cannot defy nature. =(


I am a disgrace to the poetic circle. (wait, am i even in it?)


And no, I'm not going to post about what I was emo-ing about.

My Heart Dropped

Bryan's fault for the wrong info!

2 pages of my journal

I am hwei. Yeah. Close friends call me by just my last name. I have really messy writing. Can you tell? Like, duh. Oh yeah, I talk bimbotically too. Why're you reading this anyway? If you're reading this, it means I didn't hate my writing enough to tear it out of the book. Did I mention that I like books without those annoying horizontal lines? Oh, I didn't. It's ok. Now you know. With the dramatic tone and all that (like J.J. & Rudy).

Today is 11 January 2008 (Friday). It's currently 11pm++ or something of the sort. I jz got back fm Bible Study at 10.30pm or so. (why's the left margin way bigger + organized thn the right margin?). As of now, I am still holding fast to my ambition of being a lawyer (one I've held on to since 2005).

When I read this years later, will I still be standing my ground? Will I hv made it into UM/UKM? If I travel to July 2008 now and ask the future me what happened in March 2008 (results), will the future me smile or sigh? My future seems uncertain. The thought of holding that slip of paper with my results on it scares me. I didn't do well enough, says the skeptical perfectionist in me. I didn't work hard enough, says my realistic, practical self. I know God holds my morrows, and He holds them w/ the gentle hands that hold mine daily and dearly, the way He did when He first called me to Him. But still? Humans still stumble. Tho I know He'll pick me up, I still dread the fall. May this random musing touch your life, my friend. May you realize your higher purpose in life, and forsake the foolish, meaningless pursuit of an independent, God-free life. I am a sloth. I despise the idea of doing things w/o a reason. I believe I came into this world for a reason. I believe I leave it for a reason. I believe I wrote this and am writing still, for a reason. I believe in God, and I have a reason for it. I cannot prove God. Neither can I disprove Him. All that remains is a consciousness of a higher Being and a higher purpose than myself.

When I embraced the God that Melaka Gospel Chapel worships, He told me: "Hwei, I have a purpose for you." Not directly, as in an audible voice. But just as we were His reason to die, He became my reason to live. I will be a lawyer. I will become a defender of the poor and mistreated. For His sake! I know full well the degradation of justice in M'sia. Its shadow scarcely remains. But so long as the God of Justice prevails, so long as He lives, there is a chance to defend, a chance to uphold justice. And I know, my God lives forever. I found meaning in life when I found JEHOVAH. A meaning of life that I never found in my worldly pursuits - academic excellence, knowledge, perfection, friends, life of fame as a renowned pianist... Most of all, I found a Friend. One who is w/ me wherever I go.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Always will be the verse that touches my heart at its core. The Lord bless you, reader + bookworm person. May your eyes stay fine after you read this messy excuse for a narration. Tho all around you who love you may die someday, there is One in you who never will, should you embrace Him.

Good day!

-hwei-

copied in exact words from pages 3&4 of my journal (after calendar).
written in the context of journal-burglars in mind:

"since they adi sinned, might as well let them reap some benefits from it."

hwei is weird. i know. a lot of people said so already, so...

"what's one - or two... or three... - more?"

keywords were highlighted in original version for easy reading.
i am so efficient. *bangga*