Emo. For Real.

I'm a girl. I shouldn't be leading. I'm not the leader here.

Dish everything and blame it on the guys' inability and lethargy. Say that they're not doing what they're supposed to do. This is all their fault. They should be rising to the occasion. Flip my sermon notebook and quote that verse about women keeping silent in church. Shrug my shoulders and explain why men would make better leaders.

I'm so tempted to be irresponsible.

I'm upset. I'm disappointed.

How can I be disappointed with the youth? I can't force my convictions on them. I have no right to.

A leader is supposed to inspire and motivate others. Today wasn't inspiring at all. Don't think it came close to motivating. They didn't budge an inch.

No, I'm not disappointed with them. I'm disappointed with myself.

I should have been stronger. I should have spoken with more gusto. I should have been so impassioned they'd get caught in it. There were so many things I should have done.

I usually tell myself to crawl out of the dumps because self-pity doesn't help anything. Forget about what I can't do and what has passed, and focus on the next thing that I can do. My famous life motto. It's stamped on my forehead. Copyrighted, even.

It's kinda difficult to do that when I don't know exactly what it is I'm supposed to do next.

Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity.

I can forgive others in a day. I can forget how much I was angry with them in a few days.

But I can't forgive myself that easily.

It's easy to walk away from someone and put aside the hurt and anger. Because I can tell myself that it's not a big deal. Make that person less important in my life. Snip off a little care from the relationship. Replace that snipped bit with a little ignorance. Then I wouldn't feel so angry. Then I can forget.

How on earth do I care less about myself?

Jump off a boulder? Go bungee-jumping and cut a thread off the rope? Pretend I'm not there here? Stop talking to myself?

All those other times, I can pretend I resolved the conflict and call it forgiveness. Add a little selective memory disguised as bad memory, and I say I have forgiven and forgotten.

It's hard to forgive myself. Because I can't run away from having to forgive myself.

No, I'm not that upset anymore. He read my mind and saved me some serious mind-talking, and He said to leave it aside for now. I can pull your pig-tails and laugh my guts out, or jump at the chance to pull a birthday surprise on someone if you called me this instant.

But I'm still not forgiven.

Dad shared that one of the strongest discouragements in his time as an elder was the knowledge that he failed to inspire his sheep. I know the ending to that story. Wonder if my story will go the same way.

Most readers will be scoffing at this post, and thinking that this kind of stuff should be kept to myself. Some might even scoff at the emo-ness I'm feeling.

Scoff la. It's not like I didn't when somebody else who was leading said the same thing.

But it's okay. You'll go through it, if you stand up long enough to stop warming the pew. When you come to me, repeating everything I wrote up there, I'll still pat your back. I would've been crushed if those I'd scoffed at had turned away when I turned to them.

Not pointing fingers at anyone, in case you're wondering. I'm just generally welcoming anyone who has the same emo-ness in future, and extending my hand for the patting in advance. So come along. Even if takes a few years. As long as I have my hand, I'm alright with patting someone on the back.

"There's more discouragement than encouragement."
*pat*

"I wonder if this will ever get anywhere."
*pat*

"I feel so tired, so drained. Why was I picked for this role?"
*pat*

And know what? Although that pat probably wouldn't solve anything, you'll feel better. Because you'll know I understand. And that's probably the next best thing.

I'm a girl. I shouldn't be leading. I'm not the leader here.

The temptation is so strong.

I was already not strong enough as a leader. I will not allow myself to be found wanting as a person.

Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Ephesians 6:13 (emphasis mine)

Willpower.

It is heavy, Lord. And I am weak.