it's not my shadow.

Brother, let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that i might have the grace
To let you be my servant too.

sometimes i feel like i've listened to so many people's problems, i don't think they're new anymore.

sometimes it's because i've gone through a few of them myself.

well, sometimes i haven't. i'll admit to that.

sometimes i feel like some of those problems can be handled simply. not easily. simply.

simply pick yourself up.
simply move on.
simply tell yourself you can do it.
simply do something positive about it.

simply. (you're like sick of the word now, aren't you?)

but people don't listen when you give them the simple solution. sometimes people don't want a solution. sometimes they just want to continue to wallow in self-pity. in their sadness. in their depression. whatever they call it.

sometimes i listen till my ears peel off the sides of my face. and i know it's never going to end, because it'll never end until they pick themselves up, and they don't want to. they don't admit it, but it's true. they don't want to get up.

sometimes my ears aren't the only things that get hurt when i listen. sometimes a needle goes through my heart when i listen. it's not too uncommon to have people say these to me:

"you won't understand"
"you'll never understand how people like me feel"
"you have no experience"
"you're different"
"you're strong, i'm weak"
"i'm stupid"

look, i've heard them so many times they're like my best friends. i've even got a name for them: P1. don't ask me why i call them P1.

sometimes i don't know whether to be glad to be able to handle my own emotional problems. sometimes it feels like i'm all the weaker because i'm stronger.

but am i stronger?

i tried to tell people how i feel. about certain things, about how i feel about certain phrases up there i've heard over and over again, how i have problems too (which moron don't have la. even the angels had problems. look at lucifer.). but over the years, i've learned to keep them to myself until someone asks.

have you ever tried to tell someone about an emotion you were feeling (anger, sadness, confusion etc), only to have them slam the door in your face? i don't know which is worse - having someone totally oblivious to the fact that you're talking to them, or having someone listen till like halfway of the thing then say, 'i'm sorry, gotta go', or change the topic.

you know how some people are like that? you're talking to them, thinking they're listening, and suddenly they talk about something else completely unrelated to what you were saying. and then they go on and on about that unrelated thing, and even when there's a pause, or they've finished with whatever they were saying, they don't bring up what you were saying. then you start to think that maybe they weren't listening at all.

they probably weren't. but still, dreams won't hurt.

usually, people only ask about whatever emotional problem there is in the world when they're facing it themselves. in such an occasion - i'm telling you beforehand so you won't fall into the same trap - they won't hear a word you say. trust me. or they hear, but they don't listen.

some taboo words to avoid when listening to other people:

"i understand how you feel"
"i've been through it before"
"you can go through it too"

i've given up. i really have. most times i say those words, i get P1. maybe i'm not a good counselor. maybe i should just sit in a corner and mope about how bad a counselor i am, then maybe they'll pity me and start to agree that maybe i've gone through the same thing. depression, they call it. yeah, i'm depressed because i'm not a good counselor. that counts, right?

nowadays i open my mouth to say something, to share an experience, and then close it again, because that minute of carbon dioxide could be used for a more fruitful activity, like on a plant for photosynthesis.

forgive me for being indifferent sometimes. it's not that i don't care. it's just that i've run out of things to say. i don't know what to say to make you feel better. i don't think such words exist.

sometimes i don't understand how Jesus could've lived the way He did. i don't recall anyone asking Him about how He felt or what He was going through. i mean, the guy was living 33 years in anticipation of His death on a splintery cross! did nobody care? it's not like He didn't tell anyone. He said it three times!

and what about when He was praying alone, and blood fell from his forehead because of extreme stress?

His disciples slept!

gah!

if my head was sweating blood, i'd at least expect a friend to get some toilet paper.

anyway.

i don't mean to say everyone's problems are so simply solvable. i know some people are in really deep pain. things have messed up so much it seems impossible to put them together. sometimes it's like you want to find the RESET button and just start over, but you know you can't , and that makes things worse.

i'm extremely grateful for the few who've actually listened to what i say. i'm grateful to death for those who don't ever say "you won't understand" to me.

i don't know what to do anymore. all these things will never be said to anyone face to face. because there is either no occasion to say them, or because there is no chance of anyone listening when there is an occasion.

i think if i weren't so dependent on people in physical and material things cuz i'm so blur and lethargic, i'm not sure i'd know how to receive help anymore.

Brother, let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that i might have the grace
To let you be my servant too.

we were talking about what we do when we're sad.

i said i blog when i'm sad.

i'm blogging now.

i was deeply hurt by what was said today.

i need to repeat these words again:

Brother, let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you
Pray that i might have the grace
To let you be my servant too.

because i probably won't tell you anything if you asked.

but extraordinary things happen sometimes.

'sometimes'.
it's an extraordinary word.
it says "hope" and "don't hope" at the same time.