dec31, 2010.

While people everywhere are thinking about starting afresh in 2011 etc etc, I am thinking a few quite potong stim things:

1. Present Jurisprudence-related article first day of school. (next week)
2. Present i-forgot-what-the-homework-was English homework second day of school. (next week)
3. Hand in Company Assignment first week of school. (next week)
4. Hand in Equity Assignment second week of school. (two weeks from now)
5. Hand in Academic Paper draft. (SOON or DIE)

With this one-year syllabus system in the Law Faculty, it's a bit hard to feel like I'm starting a new year.

But oh well,

I chose this life.

And it has become increasingly apparent...

that I always do.

So,

Hwei, you stupi foo!

(siblings and i theorized that people delete the last letter of insulting words to sound cool. so, dumb-dumb is still dum-dum. except you can sing it. i.e. dum dum dee dee.)


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(i think that coffee may have been a bit strong)


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(btw, kah wei said that kelantanese substitute "-an" with "-ay")

(so, satan is... SATAY!)


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(yup, coffee is bad.)

let's grow old together.

picture from chen li's blog that moved me.
you'll be surprised how many people can't grow old together.
growing old together.
it's not romantic.
it screams "commitment".
look at that person and see the white hair and wrinkles that will surely come.
see the smile and know that one day you'll see more frowns.
growing old is inevitable.
but growing old with someone is a gift.
because you were given the ability to bear another for a lifetime.
and to deny your desire for a younger, prettier/more charming thing.

i wonder,

if people thought more about the inevitable future
before they got into relationships,
would there be less unfaithfulness,
less anger,
less bitterness,
less "irreconcilable differences"?

or were man-made things simply never made to last?

but marriages were not man-made.

perhaps, then, there is hope.



[people say Melancholies have dramatic mood-swings. i think it's true.]

the full moon.

People always say that people behave oddly during the full moon. Because of some scientific thing which I wouldn't bother to pretend to understand.

I don't believe in astrology. In fact, I would go so far as to say that astrology is simply that - ASTRO-logy. Fiction.

But yesterday!

There was a full moon!

And... and...

No la, just thought this picture looked cool.

What happened was the moon... the moon...

No la, the moon was as grey as ever.

What happened was...

Sis got a brilliant idea that made me more happy than I've ever been in the past few days.

This may just be the solution to that thing that's been bugging me.

Hee!

hazel:

"Oh! and since I'm HazelNut, 
and Hwei is tauhuHwei, 
 you, Sam, shall be  
SamBal. 
Like it? Hahaha."

sam: "do i really want to do this? :S"

-shortly after a very lame joke-

Sam
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy :O

Hwei

So you can bang your head against the wall. Haha! XD

Sam
Arghhhhh.....so.l.a.m.e......mu.st..reach...sanity... 

Hwei

Fighting a losing battle. =P

Sam
Yes. Words escape me at this point. Partially because in one sentence u probably decimated a sizable portion of my grey matter.

Hwei

Oh no... did you need any of that decimated grey matter for work? =P

Sam
No, fortunately.

Hwei

Oh, you use so little of your brain for work wan ah?

Sam
Pretty much, yup.


note

sam's scientific description of how - i think - desmond would respond to the same lame joke:

the frequency of my head gravitating toward a horizontal surface has exponentially declined as experiments indicated that the cause of the aforementioned phenomena was due to the close proximity of my head to a certain breed of creature commonly classified as tsehweus annoyimus.

i hate.

being sarcastic.

it hurts people more than direct insults.

but i can feel myself going into Sarcasm Mode this week.

i'm tired. but not too tired not to make a list of things i'm tired of:

• i'm tired of reading cases and journals;
• i'm tired of staring at the screen almost eight hours a day;
• i'm tired of leaving a half hour earlier because two places are so far apart'
• i'm tired of saying "assignments" and "project paper", especially when they're in the same sentence;
• i'm tired of waiting for replies to my emails;
• i'm tired of praying for the same things everyday;
• i'm tired of wincing at christmas practice;
• i'm tired of watching that round thing go in a circle SLOWLY on Mozilla tabs.

keletihan.

i usually respond with sarcasm.

i always thought i liked routine.

=(

p/s: i attempted to break the dullness of routine by reading my journals. i found a recurring theme in 2009 - "promise". a recurring phrase: "you promised". recurring word of 2010 may just be "gah".

"i need a distraction"

when a girl says that to everybody, she really only means she needs that one person to talk to her.

what i'm reading these days.

"The interrogators would appear to be possessed by the devil. When they interrogated me, their lips, hands and fingers would quiver. At times like this, I was frightened as I felt I was in the hands of people who had lost their reason."

-- Abdul Rahman Hamzah, arrested on 20 Sept 1988.


"With the rest of the world who stand for peace and justice, we deplore what happened on September 11. But in doing so, let us not forget that the rest of the world stood with us in deploring the use of the ISA ... long before September 11."

-- P. Ramakrishnan.


note: not leisure reading ok. 
spirit and flesh are both tired. 
the beauty of words preserves my sanity.

reputation and defamation.

"Mine honour is my life, both grow in one,
Take honour from me and my life is done."

- Shakespeare, quoted in Anwar v. NST (2010).


Wah, a poetic judge.


"Dishonour or loss of face
is an absolute fall from grace."

- Per Harmindar JC in Anwar v. NST (2010).


See see see see see!

(and this is just the first page of the 28-page case)

gah.

i want to be very strict, but i don't want to suffocate people.
i want to be very sarcastic, but i swore off sarcasm at 18.
i want to make that call, but i know i shouldn't.
i want to work, but this is not a job.

am i denying myself everyday or what.

being this is tough.

where is the help they promised?

maybe cynical me was right when cynical me was cynical.

i'm a musical person, right?

"Doe, a deer I shot last year,
Ray, the guy who pumps my gas..."

- Jeff Foxworthy, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?


Yup. So is he.

Anyway.

In the midst of recovering from two ulcers - the second of which resulted from chomping on my lip while having a 4.15pm lunch in the car on the highway - and spilling my brain over two assignments and a thesis (aih), and fighting the urge not to retype the Christmas script, I find myself waking up every morning telling myself to forgive.

It's hard. It's hard to forgive.

But it's harder to pray a prayer that begins like this:

"Father, it's so hard to forgive them. I try everyday, but I can't. How can they do this to me? How can anyone do this to anyone?"

And ends like this:

"Did I ever do such a thing to anybody? Please forgive me if I have."

I realized the hypocrisy and double standard a Friday ago. 

So this is what Jesus meant:

"Forgive us our debts, 

as we also have forgiven our debtors."

and 

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, 

your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  

But if you do not forgive others their sins, 

your Father will not forgive your sins."

Matthew 6: 12, 14-15

It's not that God won't forgive. It's just that you will never feel forgiven.

"You know you can help people.

But Daisy's not people.

She's the person you love, 

the person you have to trust."

- Cam, Bones

Life would be so much simpler if I didn't have emotional attachments.

But I guess if that were so, I won't be able to play the piano.

So.

Give me the leash, Emotions.

I'll do the dragging now.

may 3, 2010, 10.54pm.

this appeared on my facebook sidebar.

on raymond.

i keep this because it reminds me that facebook is just a network.
it is a thing.

i keep this because it reminds me that facebook is not my life.

because it isn't real.

because it doesn't remember raymond.

because it thinks it knows raymond, when it doesn't.

it doesn't know raymond.

on may 3, 2010, at 10.54pm,

i reminded myself that i mustn't get angry at facebook.
because facebook isn't real.
facebook is a thing.

i hope everybody remembers that too.

life is out there, where your friends and family are.
where pain and hurt are,
where joy and happiness are.

the real world is something you can't control.
but it's real.

and this is where truth can be sought and found.

don't make facebook your life.


because real life doesn't stop just because you did.

don't stop living, on account of facebook.

because you don't want to be left behind.

and oh.

I didn't put this in at first cuz I thought the words kinda tak berkaitan with him. But sis said:

"That is so Shaun wat. Random."

So oklah.

Plus football is kinda a huge part of his life. =.= (see how obsessed you are, shaun =P)

"Opportunist". Now that's a good one. =P

Also, after my latest blog post, my word cloud looks nicer now, so I'll put it up.

I like how names appear in my word cloud. ^_^

wordle.

Mark did this using Wordle:

It's this thing that analyzes a text, then generates a word cloud, with the words appearing more frequently generated larger than the rest. I got so fascinated by it I started experimenting with other blogs.

Chen Li (Blogger).

Ben.

George.

Mark Leong.

Adrian Mau.

Kaun.

Kaun 2. Because this reminds me of Fragments. =D

Sarah.

JY.

Seoks.

Sis. Wah Jie, who's Elizabeth?

MGC.

And some random blog.

So fascinating right. Or maybe I really am easily entertained.

Neh.

It's fascinating la!

why la.

why is it so hard to find a lineless journal?

i need to write!


shaun: "nah, you can use mine. i tear a few pages for you."

i keep forgetting my lunch.

italian.

what is life,
if i only do things people tell me to do?

- scribbled on the back of a certain law firm's info sheet =P


wanted to write this for the essay.
unfortunately i didn't know how to translate this.
and i didn't trust google translate enough.

tiara.

chelsea, kock sin and jason left for that study trip to thailand.

zhen qi went to be an usher for the IHL Moot competition.

ah will went home to sabah on monday.

the house is quiet.

it's a bit lonesome,

but i kinda like it this way.

i haven't been still for awhile now.

italian paper later at 3pm.

after that, i'll be free like a bird! wheeeee!

no la,

work has only just begun.

but work is good.

i like work.

wheeeee! =D

today i saw.

went through some photos on facebook of someone i haven't seen in a long time.

there was one of her and her son after his baptism.

and she was so proud of him.

there was another of her taking a photo of him during his baptism.

and she was so proud of him.

still there was another of her taking a photo with him after his baptism.

and she was so proud of him.

i smiled, thinking, this is how things should be.

then i looked again.

and i could find none of the father.

i know enough to know why the father is never in the photos.

and i thought,

isn't that sad.
this isn't how things should be.
but this is almost always how things are.
in most families.
in most lives.


something i also learned through the various sharings in camp cameron.


isn't it sad, how things are not the way they should be?

living in a fallen world,

i know there will be more to come
of things that aren't the way they should be,
of things that are never what they should be.

but again,

this is my Father's world.

Father,
seeing all this,
Your pain must be greater.

but i still like.

 

this representation of forgiveness.

to refrain from judging.

to understand that you too, have once done wrong.

to let go.

but sometimes.

that rock in your hand is not your own.

what then, should you do?

if things could be simpler,
maybe i could be happier.

but He would beg to differ, i guess.