ah. trying.

trying, trying.

after awhile the word grows old.

trying, trying.

why must we try? why can't we just do?

trying, trying.

trying to get an upgrade.

from boiling eggs to frying eggs.

no hidden meaning in this post. it's what it is.

trying, trying.

breathing.

in between routine housework, a camp committee meeting, a 12-hour outing with the three female stooges, a prayer meet, helping shaun with his bass for saturday (why is a pianist teaching bass? i'm wondering also.), thinking of a way to make Potter's Hand less dull (the way is through jazz, which i failed to arrange), a three-day tour around malacca, taking care of minute details for friday's camp meeting (which i did not attend), a full saturday with music practice, youth meeting, and night meeting, i managed to finish a confusing exposition of ruth. not the book. the person. er not you, ruth vinoth. and er, not you, ruth tan.

how did ruth seek God?

we finally came to a conclusion last sunday. things are less confusing now. and i have more time to breathe to start doing something more substantial.

all in all, i remembered the reason why i made it a point to stay at home and not go out except to jusco in all my 17 years of living. (ya, i only started going out to somewhere other than church and school after form 5)

i have low blood pressure, people. *faints*

seriously.

but it was nice going out on a monday night instead of a saturday night. cuz i really want to sleep before midnight on a saturday. and it was nice being around girls for a change la. that, i solemnly admit.

it was nice getting to know malacca. thank you, my GPS-es! (yen, seoks)

it was nice being surrounded by glo friends instead of rbs strangers for a change. (and sam, zel and i heckled you about the glo reunion, and you went and had one without us? ish.)

and then i went for badminton at maksak cuz kev and mel were around for their johor holiday. of course i didn't play. i ended up baby-sitting the pink girls and missed the all-cousin competition. (me, shaun, kev, mel) aiyah, but even if i played also no difference la. shaun might as well go solo.

anyways.

michelle (older pink girl) was doing the monkey-bars, and i was applauding. then she asked me to try. and then i tried, and i couldn't. i'd blame my sweaty palms at length, but i've got to go meet my mum soon. anyway, michelle said: "my friend taught me wan."

me: "wah, ok."

michelle: "my friend is five years old."

k. if you guys don't know what a snub is, there's a snub right there. *snub*

but then i'm very muka tembok wan, so i shall forget she said that. nyeh nyeh.

gotta go shop for my going-back-to-uni day. that's on july 5.

rejoice, all ye in pj. mourn, all ye in malacca.

some people cause joy wherever they go; some people, whenever they go. (oops, second part of sentence doesn't apply to me)

eh sorry. wrong number.

lost my phone, found my old sim card. now using my old number.

016 670 0533

don't call me. don't sms me.

"perigi cari timba. a guy won't appreciate a girl if she acts first."

-some hongkong show at 8.30pm-


don't call me. don't sms me.

cuz.

i lost my phone.

public: ceh.

=P

seriously, i lost my phone. i didn't receive any calls or sms-es 3.3opm onwards. so sorry!

anyway, call/sms me at my brother's number (he'll be in school):

016 321 5641

there, shaun. promote you habis-habis.

eh. but then.


"perigi cari timba. a guy won't appreciate a girl if she acts first."

-some hongkong show at 8.30pm-


aha.

shaun: "jie, can you fetch me to badminton?"

my mind: "aper. can't you see i'm incredibly sorrowful? berani-nyer."

but 15 minutes alone with God in the car led me to come home with these thoughts.

Amazing grace. Amazing love.
Lord, You died for me.
I'll live for You.

"Love one another, just as I have loved you.
By this shall all men know that you are my disciples."

O beloved song that took John 13:34 & 35 to heart.

I remember the commandment.
I remember that they're my brothers, my sisters, in Christ.
I am your disciple, Lord! I am! Don't take that away from me!
I shall love them.
If I can't fly, I will dance.
Teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart.

public: "what happened to disappointment being harder to recover from than anger??"

eh please. don't attack resilience. tsk.

but still won't talk about it. ahaha.

anyway, i shall go watch Hercules with ken like i promised.

bleh.

k, now i got different feeling when i look at this picture.
it's my desktop background, btw. hee.

i wish i could fly.

tears of rage. tears of bitterness. tears of disappointment.

why do we name tears? are tears of rage really different from tears of disappointment?

i can't remember.

but tears of disappointment felt heavy on my cheeks today. they suck the life out of a person. how much brain power goes into making those tears fall anyway?

i want to fly. but these feet won't jump high enough, these wingless arms wouldn't soar.

are we really like that? will we never change?

how come it's so easy to vote for a change in government, a change in the nation's values, but not for a change in ourselves?

do we even think we need a change? oh, that the blind may see and the deaf hear.

i want to fly. but i can't. i'm reduced to wishing i could fly.

ah.

but i'm tired of wishing.

he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not nonsense. the petals are already there. if i could just count the petals beforehand, i'd already know the answer. but i still hoped. do you understand that feeling? you hope, and hope, you thought it could end the way you wanted, and then that last petal betrays you. you knew it all along. but then you hoped anyway.

why do we try hard? in the end, where does 'trying hard' get you?

-army wives-

anger is easier to recover from than disappointment. i don't know if there're enough pieces of me to start hoping again.

i won't end this post the way i ended the other one.

no, i'm not okay.

i won't talk about it. don't ask. i don't want to hear anymore either.

these tears will stay within the family.

it's a nice way of saying i'll cry every time i talk about it.

why are you downcast, o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?

i know i mustn't forget what the sons of Korah said right after.

put your hope in God
for i will yet praise Him
my Saviour and my God.

psalm 42:11

soul, listen, please.

*stab.

sis asked why i wasn't laughing.

for a moment i was, "what? laugh at what?"

and then i realized ken had been talking.

i wasn't laughing because i hadn't been listening. i hadn't realized how badly i'd been doing it till sis said it, and till ken realized, for once, that he'd been saying funny things after all, and i had been the one not laughing.

the many ways we can rob a child of his childhood.

and one way is to not laugh at his funny story.

the greater way is to not listen to his funny story at all.

and in the end, he thinks he doesn't say anything important.

URGENT: Bloggers, Auditors & Technical Writers

(technical writer --> mark, and here's why you need to read this)

How to Exercise While Sitting At Your Computer

1. Sit properly in a good chair designed for desk work. Back straight, shoulders back, top of monitor level with your eyes. If you have to look down or up, adjust the height of your screen. Make sure your wrists do not lay on the keyboard or on the mousepad (unless you have a pad with a wrist rest). This will help prevent Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Keep your legs bent at the knees so that the knees are only slightly higher than your hips. Feet should be flat on the floor or on a step stool of some sort.

2. Stand up every half hour to stretch or walk around a bit.

3. Stretch your calves, and give your eyes a break from focusing on your computer screen. This will help prevent blood clots from developing in your legs.

4. Learn to stretch. To stretch your neck, flex your head forward/backward, side to side and look right and left. Never ROLL your head around your neck. This could cause damage to the joints of the neck.

5. Roll your wrists regularly (to prevent Carpal Tunnel Syndrome if you spend a lot of time typing).

6. Roll your ankles regularly. This helps improve blood circulation (so no kebas feeling).

7. Do you hunch in front of the keyboard? To counter that, do this exercise: (i) Open your arms wide as if you're going to hug someone, (ii) Rotate your wrists externally (thumbs going up and back), and (iii) Pull your shoulders back. This stretch moves your body the opposite way to being hunched and you should feel a good stretch across your upper chest.

8. Contract (kecut) your abdominal (stomach wan) and gluteal (on the butt wan) muscles. Hold for a few seconds, then release. Repeat for every few minutes all day long while working at your desk.

9. Stretch your arms, legs, neck and torso while sitting. (how, i don't know la) This will help prevent you from feeling stiff.

10. If you're rebooting the computer or downloading large files, get up and try something more ambitious, like doing a few push-ups, sit-ups, and/or jumping jacks. Beware of your snickering co-workers though. (lol)

11. Get a hand gripper. They're cheap, small and light. When you have to read something on screen or on paper, you probably won't be using your hands very often, so squeeze your gripper. It's an excellent forearm workout.

12. Take a few deep breaths. If possible, get some fresh air in your lungs.

13. While siting, lift your legs on the balls of your feet (the part that connects your toes to the rest of your feet) and set them down. Repeat until your legs are comfortably tired. Repeat again about 10 minutes later. Do this whole routine for about an hour. This will exercise your calves.

14. Have a bottle of water by your side and make a habit of drinking every half hour. If you do this consistently, you will begin to feel more alert.

And finally, a video! (he looks so happy. tak tahan ahaha~)

-adapted from the wikiHow article-

piang.

"So what's with you two? Who's chasing whom?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Ain't no time two people staring at each other, or standing still, loving both with their eyes are equal. Truth is, someone is chasing someone. That's the way we's built."

"...So who's chasing?"

-crazy old woman, the happening (2008)-

devil holds feet.

in your anger do not sin:
do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
and do not give the devil a foothold.

ephesians 4:26, 27

i was pissed yesterday. i don't use this word often, cuz it sounds like terkencing. but this is the only word angry enough to describe how i felt.

i have high expectations and even higher standards when it comes to work. or was it the other way round? it makes a difference ok.

anyway.

(i say work because my room is almost never tidy and i don't bother very much about my appearance. eh macam einstein. =P)

i'm either easy to work with or extremely difficult to work with. my working standards are never lukewarm. no, i don't impose my OCD on others most of the time. i don't expect your minutes of meeting format to be suited to my demands cuz it's simply not important. to you, not to me. it's important to me. but i expect people to do what they've been told to do and maintain at least an average standard as they go about it.

somebody gave me a passage yesterday. coincidentally, most of the verses i remember are now from the prison epistles i studied for the quiz. maybe it was good after all, to study books full of doctrine.

I thank my God every time I remember you.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy
because of your partnership in the gospel
from the first day until now,
being confident of this,
that he who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you,
since I have you in my heart;
for whether I am in chains
or defending and confirming the gospel,
all of you share in God's grace with me.
God can testify how I long for all of you
with the affection of Christ Jesus.

philippians 1:3-8

k. guilt successfully injected.

i did get rid of my anger before the day was over. praying helped. speaking verses to the devil in rebuke helped. watching britain's got talent also helped. i always knew my anger was a destructive one. that's why i hate getting angry. it's like how the claymores feel and how naruto probably feels every time he lets the demon fox out.

anyway. high standards.

but sometimes i wonder if i'm the one in the wrong. maybe i'm too naggy. too expectant. too... suffocating.

more than one person have told me before they left for somewhere else that they were sorry they didn't always meet my expectations. the worst thing is they didn't say it like i was in the wrong, they said it like they were truly guilty. do i make people feel like that all the time? maybe i'll know when all of them leave. then all of them will tell me, and i'll know. but then, opportunities to make things right would have been wasted.

i have pondered such things. i have tried to avoid such things. but i hate the air of resignation that hangs around me when that happens - as if i was staring at the moon up in the sky in hope, knowing at the same time that i'd never reach it.

do we really need rockets and satellites to reach for the moon? the stars?

is perfection really that far away?

or standards, at least. are they that far out of reach?

why is it a genius plan when we talk about going to the moon, but a fool's dream when we talk about...

never mind.

anyway.

i'm sorry if i freaked anybody out yesterday. i'm okay today. not fully though. i can forget roads in 2 seconds, but i can't forget other things that easily.

i don't think it's just the other person's problem. i think something's wrong with me too.

i once read that we get most angry at other people's flaws which are prevalent in our own lives.

sigh.

i am not content with merely walking the earth.

maybe that's it. He called us to be on the earth. probably in more ways than one.

eh but i'm okay eh. don't call me up frantically or anything.

a nice treat to lunch tomorrow would be nice though. ah...

*opportunist* ada galah, petiklah rambutan. [copyright]

DMSJ 2009: Day 2 (Sunday)

Day 2 was when I took a photo of a guy who looked so much like Ah Zheng. No time to find a picture of Ah Zheng now, so I'll do that later.

Next, baptism by the sea.

The camp committee waded into the sea the night before with the microphones and all to test that they were all good. There were... five candidates? Was never good with numbers.

it's so. bland. *prejudice*

K. I'll come clean. I dislike the sea. I totally, absolutely dislike the sea.

I'm not dissing the PD sea. I hate every kind of sea. I hate seawater, and I hate groups of seawater. ya i know i don't describe things very well. Why I hate the sea is another story. Anyway, I stayed far, far away from the sea while the baptismal service was going on. Uncle Dex said that some of the candidates had gone through a lot to make this decision to be baptized, and for that, I give them my awe. Many don't realize that baptism is more than getting soaked underwater.

Morning worship @ 9.45 am

Personally one of the weirdest Sunday worship sessions for me because I was playing in a full band. Chee Kean was very helpful in coordinating the musicians during worship, but methinks I'll probably never want to try that again. It was difficult to concentrate and very difficult to focus. I think if every Sunday worship was like that for me, I'd go years without worshiping the Lord on Sundays.

And I had to swallow the huge chunk of bread Chee Kean plucked off for me while I was playing the er, muzik bertemaning (accompanying music? lols.).


Lunch

Dropped some rice all over the table and my shorts.

dropped some on the first day also actually.
it's like... tradition.

Day 2's game was called Survivor. To some people's disappointment, and to my utmost delight, it was only a game of Poison Ball.

unc dex trying to er, hide the ball.
shields are to defend self against balls.

ju at the right. gaya!

To my complete and pleasant surprise, I survived the game. Hah see, I can play some land games also k.

The fun really started when the organizers said to gather the ball-pickers (camp committee) in the middle of the circle without shields, for us to throw balls at. They put up a valiant fight *semangat song*, but in the end, there was only one ball-picker left.

jun yi. eh. macam defending against penalty kick nie.

Here's a video of the plight of The Last Ball-Picker:

video was taken a little too late.
the front part was lagi memberangsangkan.
got matrix stuff goin' on wan.

Ceh. Oklah. Not badlah. =P

It was Daniel's turn to play the drums for the night's session. Daniel got the difficult songs, I think. Everyday, for one. And there was that new Rainbow song.

chee kean explaining drum beats.

I think it was more difficult for Daniel to play with other SAGC/DGC musicians than Adrian (the night before), because he'd been there since the very first DMSJ Quiz in 2000. Back when it was still the DMS Quiz. That was when all the keng chao and inhuman fellas rocked the stage with their alien skills. I, for one, always refused to play the piano when DGC and SAGC-ians were around.

was he nervous? ask him. =D

Anyhow, Daniel did good. =D Except for a certain drumroll. Ahaha.

The Rainbow song came with some actions, which we couldn't see because MGC-ians were somehow always sitting at the back. So...

Improvise!

auntie tina: "everybody just look at andy."

i didn't get the actions anyway.

And by the end of Day 2, I'd found a better way to sleep. (and slightly more leg space)

er no. my feet didn't touch the towel.

Yup.

so did they.

whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable,
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy,
think about such things.


oh, someone please kill me before i start killing other people.

see. such a thoughtful post. *ruins the mystique*

we are who we define ourselves to be.

then things change.

and we lose who we are.

how do we find ourselves in God?

it isn't that easy, is it?

*checks special calendar*

eh. no, it's not that time of the month.

the thought that went through my mind in prayer meet today.

in a bad mood? neh. won't say it that harshly.

more like in a dry mood. everything's dry. my humour, my eyebrow-raising action, my smile, my eye-rolling... my lips also dry. eh but then they're always dry. never mind.

anyway.

i'm in a dry mood.

why can't you just listen and not shoot it down?

random shoutout.

on another note, saw uncle dex at prayer meet. pelik sungguh. but was nice seeing a face that was unfamiliar, yet familiar.

sometimes i wish malacca was the only state in malaysia.

another random shoutout.

and then i sigh.

sigh.

DMSJ 2009: Day 1

After tea was ice-breakers. Something about hanging someone else's nametag around your neck except the other way round (the tag on your back), then hunting for the person by asking a series of questions without asking for the person's name. Then looking for your group members, etc etc.

Oh ya, at this point, I remembered something.

While waiting for tea to arrive, I saw a folder on the table and, being the kpc that I am, started flipping through it. And so I knew my group members d before the game. =P

Plus the camp speaker tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Give it back to me after you're done reading ya."

Paiseh.

Then it was a few hours before the quiz.

Honestly, didn't really have time to be nervous about the quiz.

I was on musician duty for the night's worship session, so we practiced before dinner after a kerbau's worth of mandi. By the time I actually got to sit down for dinner (20 minutes before the quiz), I felt like I'd dropped my brain somewhere. Which wasn't an entirely bad thing. Feeling nothing was definitely better than feeling nervous.

And I did enjoy playing with the band. It was nice to be flexible, to just sit back and not say much during practice - no reciting strings of chords or getting frustrated trying to explain a drum beat that is nothing but a vivid imagination in my mind.

Yep, as I sat down for dinner, I thought to myself and to the ugly greens about to die in my mouth:

When was the last time I said I love music?

Because the music that's always in my head was playing louder than ever.

What happened during the quiz itself will be posted by Fred soon in the MGC blog. Soon as in when he gets off work. =D

For those who don't already know:

• Main TseHwei TseShaun TseShuen (emcee: their names so similiar eh. i wonder if they're related.)
• Reserve + Floor member DanielLim
• Floor members CelineTan NgeeQi
• Quiz Master PhilipLim
• MGC Moderator SarahTeo

Fred, Sarah, Sin Lan, Wei Jin, and Yen, thank you so much for coming for the quiz!

Fred, Sin Lan, and Yen even made a banner for us. =D

"why B-Leh wan?"
"cannot put 'o'. wait you all get kosong."

Very touched, seriously. This is for Yen.

sorry your name isn't clear. my hp's 2mp like 1mp nie wan.
^_^"

SAGC put up a message board for campers to write stuff on for most of the camp duration. Sis wrote: "I wish I could stay", but I didn't take a pic of that one.

It made me sad to know that people who really wanted to go couldn't go, and people who could go didn't want to go. Sounds a bit judgmental, but yeah, that's how I felt every time I stared at the black board.

Anyway.

The questions started easy. Like really easy. Like multiple-choice questions kind of easy. Seriously. Then tetiba, fill in the blanks looked like this:

He is the 1W of the 2W, the 4W.

That was for the first table, which Uncle Philip labelled 'the easiest table'.

For the 'easy' table:

Therefore, continue to 3W, 1W and
2W in him, 4W as you were taught, and
3W.

For the hardest table, the questions looked like this:

Therefore, if you have any 1W from being 3W,
any 1W from his 1W,
any 1W with the 1W,
any 1W and 1W...

...and then I couldn't remember how it goes d.

For team questions, one question that really murdered us was "what is the 'mystery of God' and the 'mystery of Christ'?" Suffice to say, the verses provided didn't really do much to help, since we never did memorize passages and whatever verses they were in, and we literally stared at the screen doofus-ly for a few seconds.

Then I grinned and said, "Lanyak."

So we lanyak-ed, and we got zero points. Ahahahahahaha. Thank you, guys, for the cheer that went up anyway. =D

Not going to set about justifying why we could neither be champions nor defend our 'title'. I'm going to set about remembering something I said a few days before the quiz:

Derk: "We can't pray for 1st place, cuz everyone would be praying for it also."
Me: "We pray for 2nd place then. Nobody will pray for that."

Okay. So it was my fault we got 2nd place.

And God answers prayers.

Aha.

pre-dmsj 2009.

(it's almost the same as the one in the mgc blog. hey, there are only so many ways to write the same thing ok.)

one fine Bible study night at my place about two weeks ago, we had this conversation going on at the supper table:

uncle rod: "MGC wrong also never mind wan. if we win, it's a bonus."
kah wei: "if we win, it's a miracle."
everyone: -_-!

well, i was the trainer for dmsj 2009. again. although this time i was also the participant. again.

we didn't actually plan for me to be a participant. i'd gone round picking other people, carefully avoiding my own siblings who ironically became participants anyway, since they've been plaguing the quiz for years themselves. then mum said:

it's all-star this year.
you three should go!
you know the meaning of all-star anot?

and then ah derk got called off to utar in kampar. T_T

and so that's how i became a five-time quiz participant.

aih. don't get me wrong. i don't resent being a participant. it's just that when i was preparing the participants' profiles for sagc, i had to include every participant's previous quiz participations:

2000 - floor member
2001 - main participant
2002 - main participant
2003 - main participant
2004 - main participant
2005 - floor member

to add on to that:

2006 - quiz trainer
2007 - quiz trainer
2008 - quiz trainer

do you or do you not see that??!!!

i devoted my entire secondary school life to this quiz! gahhhh!

somemore somebody had to not only announce the floor participations although i told him not to, he also couldn't stop himself from commenting on them. i.e. "wah, she's the most-joined participant."

when dad told me in 2006 that i shouldn't join anymore, i didn't understand why. NOW i do. perfectly so.

sigh.

it's no wonder that although i reluctantly drag myself to dmsj every year, i continue going and getting myself involved year after year. i honestly don't know what i'll do if i didn't have dmsj to occupy my time every year for the past 9 years.

anyway. being the super veteran queen of dmsj, i routinely set off to download the NIV version of the prison epistles, since i gave my NIV Bibles away long long time ago.

-interlude-

eh you two fellas with my Bibles wan. got time take out and read k.

-end interlude-

i made notes which i later found to be uncannily similiar to dad's questions (i wonder if he peeked at my notes) although i flunked my fill-in-the-blanks questions in the individual rounds. later tell you why.

we'd joined so many times, we were pretty relaxed about it. sample:

coming up with a cheer was no big sweat too.

unfortunately, due to the recent fear of meningitis and swine flu...

30 May 2009 - 1++ pm

on the way there, shaun decided he'd take the bus to Golden Sands.

he waited.



and waited.

and then he concluded that there are no buses in PD.

sagc was very helpful and organized, methinks. they had people stand around outside to help point the way in and organize the parking system.

Isaac. it was a hot day ok.

as usual, mgc was the first in line for tea, of no fault of our own, but because the other churches hadn't arrived yet, and sagc was busy.

we were the first.
so yiao gui obedient.

the car-sickness i got on the way to PD was very helpful in calming my nerves. seriously. i was too nauseated to think about anything else.

no, i wasn't afraid of the quiz. i took part 6 years d ok.

i was as afraid as always of the fellowshiping part.

er.

i know potong stim, but i'll continue tomorrow. lols.

er er... stay tuned! ^_^

you know what, satan?

go jump down a building, cuz i'm not listening to you.

i. don't. like. driving.

i've been on the road since 10.30am.

driving around doing things for other people.

the only thing that keeps me driving is the adventure i'm still hoping for.

i'll be off on round 2 in 5 minutes.

i'm just glad wednesday was yesterday and friday is tomorrow.

i couldn't take any more activity for today.

i can't remember the last time i wasn't tired.

my eyes are sepet-ed again.

round 2.

let's get it over with.