devil holds feet.

in your anger do not sin:
do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
and do not give the devil a foothold.

ephesians 4:26, 27

i was pissed yesterday. i don't use this word often, cuz it sounds like terkencing. but this is the only word angry enough to describe how i felt.

i have high expectations and even higher standards when it comes to work. or was it the other way round? it makes a difference ok.

anyway.

(i say work because my room is almost never tidy and i don't bother very much about my appearance. eh macam einstein. =P)

i'm either easy to work with or extremely difficult to work with. my working standards are never lukewarm. no, i don't impose my OCD on others most of the time. i don't expect your minutes of meeting format to be suited to my demands cuz it's simply not important. to you, not to me. it's important to me. but i expect people to do what they've been told to do and maintain at least an average standard as they go about it.

somebody gave me a passage yesterday. coincidentally, most of the verses i remember are now from the prison epistles i studied for the quiz. maybe it was good after all, to study books full of doctrine.

I thank my God every time I remember you.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy
because of your partnership in the gospel
from the first day until now,
being confident of this,
that he who began a good work in you
will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you,
since I have you in my heart;
for whether I am in chains
or defending and confirming the gospel,
all of you share in God's grace with me.
God can testify how I long for all of you
with the affection of Christ Jesus.

philippians 1:3-8

k. guilt successfully injected.

i did get rid of my anger before the day was over. praying helped. speaking verses to the devil in rebuke helped. watching britain's got talent also helped. i always knew my anger was a destructive one. that's why i hate getting angry. it's like how the claymores feel and how naruto probably feels every time he lets the demon fox out.

anyway. high standards.

but sometimes i wonder if i'm the one in the wrong. maybe i'm too naggy. too expectant. too... suffocating.

more than one person have told me before they left for somewhere else that they were sorry they didn't always meet my expectations. the worst thing is they didn't say it like i was in the wrong, they said it like they were truly guilty. do i make people feel like that all the time? maybe i'll know when all of them leave. then all of them will tell me, and i'll know. but then, opportunities to make things right would have been wasted.

i have pondered such things. i have tried to avoid such things. but i hate the air of resignation that hangs around me when that happens - as if i was staring at the moon up in the sky in hope, knowing at the same time that i'd never reach it.

do we really need rockets and satellites to reach for the moon? the stars?

is perfection really that far away?

or standards, at least. are they that far out of reach?

why is it a genius plan when we talk about going to the moon, but a fool's dream when we talk about...

never mind.

anyway.

i'm sorry if i freaked anybody out yesterday. i'm okay today. not fully though. i can forget roads in 2 seconds, but i can't forget other things that easily.

i don't think it's just the other person's problem. i think something's wrong with me too.

i once read that we get most angry at other people's flaws which are prevalent in our own lives.

sigh.

i am not content with merely walking the earth.

maybe that's it. He called us to be on the earth. probably in more ways than one.

eh but i'm okay eh. don't call me up frantically or anything.

a nice treat to lunch tomorrow would be nice though. ah...

*opportunist* ada galah, petiklah rambutan. [copyright]