Spiritual Marker?

I think God is working on my anger part.

I get angry very easily. It was worse when I was a kid la. Okkkie. Here's a confession.

Shaun (my younger bro) and I were very close when we were young, but the probability distribution goes like this:

P(X = at least 1) [no symbol here la], where X = the number of boys

Which means a relationship in which there is at least one boy. What I mean to say is whenever P(X at least 1), there's bound to be some quarrels that involve not only hair-pulling and face scratching. Anyway, we were very close, but we were also each other's worst enemy. Shaun loved to provoke me, and the fact that I was a boiling volcano didn't help things much. Shaun once provoked me so bad that I stalked to the kitchen and would've taken out a knife (I didn't care if it was a butcher knife) if it wasn't for my grandma, who wisely stopped me with all the strength she could muster. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that I would've killed Shaun if I'd taken that knife.

That's how bad my anger is.

I still recall how I used my badminton racquet to pound Shaun on the head several times before throwing it at him with all my strength because I was so angry with him. That was when I was in secondary school, I think. After that incident, dad took us aside and counselled us. When he asked me what I needed to do to avoid this sort of incident, I glumly gave him the typical answer: Control my anger. He surprised me by saying, "No, Hwei. You don't control your anger. What you need to do is to change your mind-set. Change it so that you don't get easily provoked by Shaun again."

That really made sense to me. After that, my anger wasn't that bad. I thought that was the end of things. But nowadays, I've been quarrelling a lot with mum. And it's not just those little nasty and mean exchanges which are easily forgotten and dealt with over a short period of time. Every time we quarrel, I end up crying. Terribly. My eyes getting smaller already.

I even wrote a diary entry once, two days ago, I think. About how angry I was with her. Reading it again, I feel it's just horrible. Like there's this other person inside me, my old man, maybe, striving to get out and take that knife and kill someone again. I know I'm starting to sound like some freako who's on the verge of committing her first act of murder, but that's not happening ok.

The fact that God is trying to deal with this part of me gives me the assurance that I'm going to get through it. Something mum said in the last Bible study stayed with me till now. She said it struck her in 1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has taken you except such as is common to man. But God is faithful, Who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but with the temptation also, shall make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

In NIV, it reads: That you may be able to stand up under it.

Mum said that although God would provide us with the strength to bear the temptation, it is still up to us to stand up under the temptation. Do we want to stand up? Do we want to bear it? That will of ours, which God freely gave to us, is so crucial in overcoming temptation!

God will give me the strength to win this battle with my old self. I have no qualms about that at all. But I have a part to play in this battle as well. God has given me the sword, the belt, the breastplate, the shield, the helmet, as well as the strength to yield those stuff that usually only guys can yield! I have to swing the sword, and put on the armour!

Haiz. I know this is going to be harder than anything I've ever done in my life. Only then can it be called a spiritual marker right? It's gotta be big enough to leave a mark on my life. Haiz. Sometimes feel so tired... But I'm in enemy territory... and if God thinks I have what it takes to be in enemy territory, I suppose He's given me all I need to fight in here.

Strength! I need strength! Plenty!

I have sweaty palms that might let the sword slip out of my hand...

Allow me some space to be unserious please.