aloof.

btw, i'm tryin to do the fishmouth thing
the backdorm boys did for S.H.E.'s song.
those glasses are supposed to help reduce my eyepower.
*yay now i can see!*

Perhaps it's a curse to be able to observe everyone without bothering to care that they know I'm doing it.

Perhaps it's to my misfortune that precision is my passion.

Perhaps I played too much Harvest Moon.

I spent - what - years (?) playing that game. And not just playing - combing the internet for walkthroughs, meticulously observing every character to know their daily schedule, then painstakingly putting together my own walkthrough, precise to the very last detail.

How ironic.

I never finished the game.

I spent my time replaying and restarting the game. Every answer to every sentence by every character weighed and measured before I gave it.

I used to say that playing the game made me a guarded and calculated (not calculative lol). Looking back though, I think that game only brought out the nature that was already in me.

I do weigh my words - heavily - before I speak.

However, I must say that I'm quite sucky at it, and that's why the normal observation of me by others is that I'm quiet. It's not because I'm super introvert, shy, don't like to talk, etc, it's because I'm thinking of what to say.

And not just what to say - how to say it, when to say it, why I should say it, and whether there's a better alternative to say it.

Playing Harvest Moon has just taught me that, unlike a game, you can't restart any event in your life. Once it's done, it's totally done.

There were more times than I can count, when I woke up thinking I had a bad dream. Just when I start to comfort myself and say it was a bad dream, I realize it wasn't. It happened. Things I said, things I did, or failed to say or do.

Harvest Moon taught me that I have to be calculated, precise, careful, in all that I say and do, because I can't do it all over again.

To be honest, I hate the "what if"s that flood through my mind every time I want to say or do something.

People take Nike's tagline "Just Do It!" for granted without knowing how much it means to people like me.

Just do it.

I wish I could.

I wish I'd gone for that national choir competition my choir teacher asked me to go to as their pianist.

I wish I'd played for Ms Fong when she asked me to help with her album.

I wish I'd handed in that essay even when the teacher told me not to.

I wish I'd said that something at that opportune moment. (nothing to do with boy-girl relationship. i know my readers. ah ha.)

I wish. I so wish.

I'm here now, with so many blessings in my life.

I'm in law school, doing what I love, being around words my entire day, saying what I want when I want to without being chided for being bold, having people listen to my opinions and what I think of things.

I have a good church both in Melaka and in Jalan Gasing.

I have a fantastic (albeit out-of-tune) piano in my college that I can jam on anytime I want.

I have an ice-cream stall outside the canteen from which I can buy a double-scoop whatever-flavour-you-want ice-cream for only RM1.50.

I have crazy roomies I can be totally crazy with.

But there is still one thing I don't have.

The ability to let down my guard.

Most people think I despise fun.

I do not. I'm an advocate of fun. Good, clean fun. Ask my roomies. They know.

I just don't like going outdoors or going all crazy outside the confines of my room because I don't like losing control.

I hate having crushes on guys because I don't like the fact that their every word and act governs my emotions.

I hate talking loudly and unnecessary body movement because I'm the number one ambassador of calmness and collectedness.

I hate reacting to things because I don't like the fact that something can rattle me.

I don't smile very much because there have been times people didn't return my smile. It's childish, but it stuck. Like a tum-tack to a bulletin board.

Listening to Chelsea and her stories of her close relationships with her teachers and friends, and watching her close relationships with the people in the faculty...

Frankly, it doesn't help very much.

I wish I could be like her. Carefree and jolly always. It's not that I'm not. It depends on where I am and who I'm with. And whether there's food in front of me.

It frustrates me that people don't see it that way. That most people will never see that part of me.

Most times, I feel like I'm standing aloof, watching a crowd of people enjoying each other's company while an invisible barrier stops me from joining them. And that's why I stick with my cameraphone, the only item that acknowledges my views and my perceptions of life without me having to say a word or change a fragment of who I am.

I don't feel like being bubbly and cheerful all the time. I don't feel like making funny comments about what people say and do all the time. I don't feel like making quick and comedic gestures all the time.

Do I have to? Do I need to?

There are people I love being around. Because with them, I don't feel like those things I mentioned are things that I do. They're just me.

If I be not mistaken, Sarah blogged something around these lines once. Ah haha.

Anyway, I feel the need to tell people who feel uncomfortable around me (I can tell from your body language and eyes ok): What you feel is my guardedness. I'm not that scary. Talk to me. I don't eat people. I only eat beef, chicken and fish.

Anyway, here're the tags I got tagged with.

Yen's Tag - My Fridge

Creative right? Oh *bangga*.

Like I told Yen, as much as I would love to, I haven't been able to smuggle a fridge into my college room. Hence, this is what my mental fridge looks like. Try to decipher it. Huhu.

Elena's Tag - 6 Six Things

Six Things I'm Passionate About.

- Understanding the Bible and Christian living
- Words
- Knowledge
- My favourite food
- Precision
- The fact that any number less than 10 should be spelt in full (tho i don't always do it. still tryin to fight my obsessive compulsive disorder concerning accuracy, you see.)


Six Books I Read Recently

- Princess, Jean Sasson
- Daughers of Arabia, Jean Sasson
- 1 Timothy, Paul
- 2 Timothy, Paul
- Law of Torts in Malaysia, Norchaya Talib (haven't finished still kira rite lol)


Six Songs I Can Listen To Over and Over Again

- Mary Jane, The Click*Five
- Part of Your World, The Little Mermaid
- Drowning, The Backstreet Boys
- Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, Aerosmith
- It's All About You, McFly
- Whatever It Takes, Lifehouse

(it must be clarified that these songs are the songs i downloaded from youtube and are the few songs i have on my com and therefore listen to every single day because i can't live peacefully without music)


Six Things I Learned This Past Year

- People are not Harvest Moon characters
- I love Law, it's everything I expected, and beyond.
- I can say something lame without a single mark of expression on my face
- I don't like black fish (especially the one in college)
- I can still swim
- I have a wedding to attend this Saturday and I don't know what to wear


Six Valuable Things I Own

- My heavy Study Bible + spiritual diary (they must come together)
- Jeans I can fit into
- My love for language
- My love for words
- Mr Acer
- A lovely bed that's nicer to sleep on than Chelsea and Liverpool's =P (tho technically I don't own the bed unless I buy it from the college but what's the point?)


Six Bloggers I Tag

Mau, Yen, Chen Li, Sarah, Sis, Shaun. (kenalah kau semua =P i spare pei ling ah ahhaha)

it's nice to not do this alone.

plus.

hello, buddy.

congratulations for making it this far.

haha.

I got a new cup. (after i broke the last one *paiseh*)

i looked. i saw. and i knew it was the one.
"jie, i got feelings for this cup."
"oklah, buy lor."

Fear not, for I have redeemed you
I have called you by your name
You are Mine.

Isaiah 43:1

Was just thinking in the bathroom.

Seniors always tell me that chambering is completely different from studying law in university. It is beyond what I can possibly imagine now. I struggle to grasp that concept.

Is it very much like how one can attend so many BGR talks and be so informed about marriage, and yet walk into married life one day, look around and say, "Yoh, this is way beyond what I imagined"?

Or is it very much like how one can attend so many sermons and be so informed about God, and yet walk into heaven one day, look around and say, "Yoh, this is way beyond what I imagined"?

Someone once said that perhaps in heaven, music can be seen.

To see music, grasp it, hold it, and enjoy it tangibly.

Having perfect pitch means I "see" music. It's in my head. Like whenever I listen to a song, I "see" it in my head. Notes floating about in the air just waiting to be caught. I see them. I reach out, and catch hold of them, one by one. Then I place my hands on the piano, and I place each note where it belongs.

But still.

Seeing music outside the mind. That is beyond imagination.

I watched an episode of Star Gate SG-1 once (me = big fan of sci-fi series). There was this bunch of people from some super advanced planet, and they had this radio-like thing that could translate feelings from one person to the other.

Cool, huh?

He has made everything beautiful in its time.
Also He has put eternity in their hearts,
except that no one can find out the work that God does
from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Mayhap this eternity that is in our hearts truly exists in the eternity that is prepared for us in heaven?

Trapped.

Neh, this isn't one of those "I feel trapped" posts.

I WAS trapped. In the bathroom.

With a shower that trickled every few seconds.

And then I bathed with yellow water.

Ah.

Joy.

On the brighter side...

I have Photoshop!

Though the price that comes with it is well... pretty much like bathing with yellow water.

And so here I am, trudging on, photoshopping with my unphotoshopable photoshop skills.

This is one of those moments I can say I tried to do something (but failed? hope not.) I can't really do.

Anyway, I went to watch the Lantern Festival event in the college. The video was awesome. Awesome means I laughed my head off. I enjoy watching comedies (immensely), but I don't enjoy watching comedies in the cinema. Why watch an RM9 comedy by celebrities in the cinema when you can get the same deal *FREE* with lay actors in other public places?

-from here on I may blog in bullet form except without the bullets cuz I malas-

I listened to Anna play the piano for Vivian the way I taught her, and I couldn't help feeling a bit bangga. Heh. Not because I'm a good teacher (because I readily admit that I'm not), but because she's a good student. She completely developed the technique I taught her. Fuh. Macam Naruto.

We finished preparing the case bundle for our mooting exercise next week, and I must say it's been such a joy representing a client who wants to claim for infringement of his freedom of speech because he's not allowed to drop a car from his helicopter to demonstrate its solidity and fine suspension.

I went to the Footstool Players' drama, That Crazy Little Thing Called Love again. I went with Chelsea, Evelyn, Jason, Jira, Liverpool and Louis this time. Sam Leong and Su came round to drive us there, and I got to experience the get-people-to-fetch-me-and-pals to church event thing again. It was kind of nice to not be the one cracking my head over transportation and driving around fetching people.

Not that I don't miss playing host.

...

Ok, I don't miss it that much.

But I don't really mind it either la.

It's just that playing the guest is way easier than playing the host. Even when I socialize with people in PJGH and Life Chapel, all I do is smile and be nice and responsive when they talk to me. I don't have to worry about making anybody feel welcome or comfortable when I talk to them. Most of all, I am in control because I can choose to feel welcome or unwelcome.

Is this what I was meant to do?

I do find it easier to bring people to church and events by being free to mingle and run about as I please, instead of being tied down in church as a committee member or as a member who's supposed to socialize.

I went for Law CG on Wednesday. I don't know why, but I felt an ease I've never felt before in CG. I didn't judge their every word and gesture, but found myself wishing I could write down every single one of those in my handphone's notes. They weren't lame or loud anymore. Have they changed? Or have I?

I went for PKVUM on Friday. Uncle Phye Keat (Ms Choong's husband) spoke on Atypical Hypocritical, which means "a type of hypocrite", not "a typical hypocrite". It was a very profound and applicable talk, and I found myself filling both sides of the handout with blue ink.

I went for Youth Fellowship on Saturday. I was weaved into Jason's class by Juen. Sam (Lee) chuckled and said, "Bye, hwei, have fun in the underaged class" before he ran off to the - I don't know - aged class (there, snubbed you) with Anderson. I was introduced to the 5 people in the room, and I really can't see how a class with a 28-year-old, a 20-year-old, and three 19-year-olds, makes for an underaged class. I wonder how old the people were in Sam's class. Hah.

The class is doing a series on Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Last week's lesson was on Passionate Love. I missed it. Because I was in Malacca. The one I attended was Words of Affirmation.

YF wasn't what I had expected at all.

Firstly, I am now known as Sharon. Time is too short to tell you why.

Secondly, it was only when I was with those people in that little room that I began to wonder when I had last bared my soul to another. Not just my diary or my blog. To another person. Something alive that I can understand and be understood by.

It was a good time of sharing, and I was moved by the sincerity and genuineness with which those boys and girl shared. I'd never thought I'd find a guy who can actually be honest abouthow he feels.

My criteria for a guy is #1 Christian #2 Malacca boy #3 Right priorities. The fourth, which is an implied term, and which is implied by the officious bystander test (ok, ignore all that), is honesty and genuineness. He must be someone I can perceive to be a man, and yet call a boy. So few of those around. The Gazebo scene in the Footstool drama remains the one scene I can really relate to. The words of the wife ring through my head:

I feel like you've let me love you more in the past 5 minutes
than I have ever loved you in the past 5 years.

I went to PJGH on Sunday. As Ruth, Pei Win, and I walked in, the elder's wife walked past us, and greeted me. My two friends looked at me oddly and Pei Win asked,

"Did she just call you Manchester?"

Ah. Long story.

To cut it short, I found the PJGH-ians at YF uber friendly, and for the 3 hours I spent there, PJ felt like home.

I know I have built a reputation of "criticizing Jalan Gasing" among PJGH-ians (aha), and prolly got some PJGH-ians reading also, but I don't care! Nyeh nyeh. =P

I didn't mean to condemn anyone anyway; I just write what I see, the way I see it.

It may well be that I have been blinded by home-sickness, or maybe I am blinded now, but I shall now write what I see:

I see MGC right here in Jalan Gasing.

And here's the way I see it -

Maybe MGC flew over in those two days, maybe not. But this I know - there is new motivation for me to continue to try to be a good, responsible member of Christ's body where I am. There is a ministry here which has a single empty place for me, and it is my duty to fill it.

As usual, this post about Jalan Gasing will end with a summary of names:

Anderson,
Cheng Sze,
Desmond,
Ei Leen,
Eu Bing,
Geng Yi,
Grace,
Jason,
Jon Lee,
Juen,
Kie Ron,
Pei Win,
Richard,
Sam,
Shing Lung.

What these names mean to me I shall keep in my heart and ponder as I click the Publish button.

tummy-aching in kemahiran maklumat class.

oh, who got the tummy-ache-giving power?

*groan*

Chelsea Insisted.

gigi putih. =p

Hwei Is Wise

The strongest offense is that which comes from within.



Therefore,

If I got to choose a super power...

I would choose to have the power to inflict people with tummy aches.

yeah, i realize that phrase would be a lot cooler
if i illustrate it with stuff like low self-esteem, depression etc.
but hey. the aim is to break out of monotony.
Though,
don't ask me why I didn't choose the power to give cirit-birit,
stomach ulcer,
parasite in the brain
or whatever.

Disappointed

I came back anticipating a Bible Study after all the hungering for it in PJ.

To tell the truth, it was a disappointment that they cancelled Bible Study for a barbeque.

*Note*

I am not seeking to promote controversy or disrespect or demotion of anyone, especially not the leaders.

As I said, I have been thinking, and I do not want to lie about what I think.

It felt much better pouring it out on paper, but I suppose I shall have to pour it out on a real person.

That will be done, don't worry.

I'm not going to set about begrudging anyone in my heart and behind their backs.

by the way,  i got selected for an ad campaign!

but i turned them down cuz it was alcohol-related.

bummer.

but i think there's still some campaign going on in the ad.

i think la.

ish. i know all you ppl out there dah biasa get selected.

ceh!

Time to claim my freedom of speech as this blog's author

...and to just be really blunt with what I think and feel.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and having non-Christians as roommates means that I mostly have to do all that thinking by myself. So here's me thinking aloud.

Note: I'm gonna just talk like you people aren't here (and like you know what I'm talking about).

These are times when I feel like using the phrase, "You earn respect". I don't understand how people can go around expecting to be respected just like that, just because they are in a certain position. Yeah, you get respect alright. Positional respect. Meaning I respect you because of your position. But to go as far as to respect you for who you are - your character, personality, principles, integrity, infallibility? Neh. You earn respect for those things. Earning means you work and labour for it. Respect is something I take very seriously, because I had some experiences when I was much younger, that taught me - albeit the really hard way - that people don't just hand respect over to you.

I don't like to fight, argue, quarrel - whatever people these days call it. I prefer to have everything done in a peaceful manner. Everyone's happy with everyone, compromise here and there. Better yet - don't compromise. Better to have everyone tetiba and somehow happy with the other naturally without having to alter any part of their principles.

Fairytales. How we love 'em.

There's one thing that brings down the little protective, contented fence in me, though. Or maybe two:

#1 When people are being plain ridiculous. I either laugh at them or raise an eyebrow at them. Then I say something.

#2 When people are putting down somebody else. Usually someone I really care about. (if i don't care about you then too bad la. yeah, that's how i am. you're not shaking your head cuz that's prolly how you are too. yay.)

But bah, cuz I wasn't around when all those ridiculous things were happening back home.

I went for youth on Saturday, and came home wondering when the ISA got into the church. A Christian ISA, that is.

Elders are priests, just like every one of us. They're in the leadership position to oversee the sheep, but they themselves are sheep. Just maybe extra wool or somethin'. Jesus Christ is the Shepherd. How many times have we gotten that wrong? The elders are not some mega Hitler person we need to tiptoe around. Yeah, respect the elders. But has anyone ever stopped to consider that the elders spoken about in Paul's letters were worthy of their calling?

Thought simplified: What do you do when you don't think your leaders fit the requirements in 1 Timothy?

I confess that I'd never really really read 1 Timothy. So when things like the position of a deacon being portrayed as substandard to an eldership position happened, I was given the impression that deacons are like 2nd-in-command, probably to do more of technical stuff.

But there I was one day, reading 1 Timothy 3:1-13:

Here is a trustworthy saying:

If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.

Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife,

temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,

not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle,

not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

He must manage his own family well

and see that his children obey him with proper respect.

(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family,

how can he take care of God's church?)

He must not be a recent convert,

or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil.

He must also have a good reputation with outsiders,

so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect,

*author: you are worthy of respect, then you become a deacon. not the other way round.*

sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain.

They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience.

They must first be tested;

and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect,

not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.

A deacon must be the husband of but one wife

and must manage his children and his household well.

Deacons are in every way equal to elders.

Every way meaning position, character, blamelessness, lifestyle, and duty.

Thought simplified: Is it okay step down as an elder and take up deaconship instead?

Isn't this sending the message that "it's ok if you can't make it as an elder, still got a little bit qualified to be a deacon"?

When I asked Mum about it, she said: "If you study the requirements, you'll find that those are the qualifications of all Christians."

It didn't solve the peculiarities in church, but that helped. It took my focus off other people and onto myself.

Thought simplified: Am I qualified?

(and perhaps strange things have happened because i'm not the only one who has been brisking through 1 timothy 3)

But then somemore things bug me.

How is it that you can create a policy out of thin air, impose it on other people, and then break it yourself a month later?

And nobody will stand up to them (or maybe, just him), that's for sure.

Somehow, people stand up to innocent, honest people who are actually sitting down, so that they tower over them, but let jerks get away with bigger things.

Back to that issue of a Christian ISA - it's time for us to speak up.

Speaking up is often associated with "lawan tauke" in our society.

You say something against the majority, you're being lawan tauke.

You raise your hand to speak after sessions when people don't normally say anything extra, and you're a problem kid. (not referring to youth meeting)

You look your leaders in the eye and tell them what you think (which is normally contrary to what they just said), and you're susceptible to being black-listed.

You raise a question about why you have to do something out of the norm for a youth camp, and suddenly you're the one who's supposed to explain why you don't want to be imposed with something out of the norm. (we should be asking you why you wanna do something out of the norm. isn't that the natural thing to do? LOL.)

Ridiculous, ain't it?

We make so much noise about how the ISA in the country is yucky and mucky and stuff, but in our own haven, where everyone is equal in the eyes of the Shepherd, we act like we're under some Freedom of Speech Act.

Sensitive issue?

Didn't we scoff at our beloved Prime Minister when he said that?

Should we not scoff at ourselves now?

All the more, me thinks, because we condemned someone for it, and did it ourselves moments later.

Oh ya. Another thing.

A wants to have a word with B. But somehow A doesn't want to be the one to call (as ridiculous as that sounds). So A wants B to call A. But then even more ridiculously - A tells C to tell B to call A. The laugh is at the part where C is not even related to A, like living under the same roof or something.

If I asked Shaun to call Chen Li for me, at least Shaun can pass the phone to me when he gets the fella right?

What's the point of asking, say, Jessica to call Chen Li for me? Then Chen Li will have to call me after that right?

Worse - I want to tell Chen Li something, but I ask Jessica to call Chen Li and tell Chen Li to call me so I can tell it to her.

And it's even more hilarious if Chen Li obeys and has been trying to call me a few times, and even sms-ed me, but then I don't pick up, and don't reply, and then I call Jessica again and tell her to call Chen Li again to call me.

You'll be amazed how some people can actually do that.

And no, it's not Jessica, Shaun, Chen Li, or me doing this redundant triangular exercise.

Ah well.

I was practicing for debate once. I thought of a point the opposition might raise, and asked my debate teacher what the answer should be to a question they might raise. He shrugged and said something I'd never forget.

Lesson learned: When you simply can't figure out an answer to peculiar happenings, just say:

"Well, there are a lot of crazy people in the world."