Looking Back

...At other people's blogs. Yeah, I do that. Cower in fear, all you bloggers who blogged irresponsibly. Mua-ha-ha.

...Because I had nothing better to do (copy Pei Ling's style). Didn't feel like sleeping with my swollen eye (it doesn't look swollen but it is - feels like there's an eyelash in there continuously poking my eyeball), Facebook didn't have much going on, and I was searching for pictures of people profile-y enough to put up in my Gmail contacts list. Yup. I have all your photos in the laptop right now. And on Flickr and Photobucket. *evil grin*

Anyway.

While browsing Yen's blog (since she has the most pictures), I kept coming across entries where she talked about Chen Li's problems, how she felt helpless cuz she couldn't help, and pictures of Yen, Chen Li and Juliana. Of course, in putting up photos for the MGC group on Facebook, I had to come across photos of Mel, Sin Yee and my sis together too.

If I were an Anime character, a wind would blow right about now. Yep. Whoosh and all.

If I were a Manga character, that little thinking "voice" that hangs around in cloudy-ish circles would appear right about now. Yep. Imaginary voice echoing through the head and all.

Always wondered what it would be like if Seoks, Wan Ting and I were just a little bit closer.

Then I'd have two special people to call up and be called up by whenever any of us felt down, and two loyal companions to mamak with (yeah I'd have learned the mamak trend if I had such friends) whenever any of us needed companionship.

And of course I'd have two close friends to share my burdens and thoughts with.

As it is... well... it's just different.

I have two close friends. But no one will be giving us labels like SMS and JYC any time soon.

When Sin Yee talked about how different things had become after the SMS broke off to go to their respective universities, how they had to work hard to make things the same again, I didn't know whether to feel relieved because I wouldn't have that problem or to feel sad because I'd never have the chance to work hard with two people to maintain a friendship.

I could never make real friends easily. Friends came to me when I was the top girl in primary school. They all left when the more popular girls decided to leave me out of the group. Seoks was similiarly isolated, left out of the core of the group. Pengalihan negatif, as Business would term. The two of us left alone, we became close friends.

First became friends with Wan Ting during Tae Kwon Do classes. She was my sparring and training partner all through our 2 years as TTSC's. At the time, I was oblivious to all the gossips and malicious rumours that revolved around her, and so we became close friends without the influence of bias or opinion.

Maybe it's the way I make close friends that makes the WHS quite improbable.

Maybe I'm being too demanding and ungrateful, but I really wish I had close Christian friends I could meet up with every Saturday and Sunday. Friends who went to the same school with me all my life. Like SMS and JYC. Then I could talk about spiritual things with them, discuss youth ideas with them. There are so many things I can think of right now that I could do with them.

Is that what I should be doing?

Is the problem with my inability to make friends or did God put me in this situation for a purpose?

I have no idea what it can possibly be.

Does He think (I know He doesn't think, He just knows, but for blogging's sake...) that I'd be domineering over my friends?

Does He think I'd clique with just them in church if I had such friends?

Does He think I'd never get a breakthrough in socializing if I had close friends to be contented with?

What? What does He think?

Does He want me to see that there are other people in church who don't have abbreviations attached to them and their friends? That there are people who are feeling left out?

Does He think I wouldn't be able to understand them if He didn't let this happen to me?

Ever since debate, I'd acquired a hobby of making elaborate lists of alternatives and possibilities, and the ones listed up there aren't half of the possibilities in my mind. But God - with His higher thoughts and ways, He has an explanation that's not on my list? That's always been what intrigued me about God. He outlists me. Way outlists me.

Pei Ling quoted someone in her blog who said that there doesn't always need to be a reason for everything that happens.

For me, if there is no reason for doing something, there is no point in doing it. That's the sloth in me speaking. So there has to be a reason. It's just... not in the list.

I was asking God about it and mourning over my "bad fortune" when a few days later, God began to reveal in stages that there were other people out there feeling the same thing. Maybe with me and my lists, I can discover it faster. So maybe God is saying, "Use that list, young one. Discover, and act."

The youth would've realized that socializing is a sensitive button for me. I grew up having trouble communicating with even my family members. I felt friendless for the most part of my childhood. I lugged that experience with me into my teens. It was only after Geng Yi left that I began to realize that we'd all been parasites - feeding on Geng Yi's zeal in making people feel welcome. How could I, who knew what it was like to feel left out, friendless and alone, possibly allow the same thing to happen to someone else?

The list began again. Alternatives. Dad always said the point of counseling was to narrow down the choices to two. Stay in my comfort zone or get over my self-pity and do something about it.

I picked choice #2.

I didn't like the approach of 2008 because it meant people I went to a lot of trouble to befriend in a closer way are going away.

I still feel like sitting in a corner by myself sometimes. Sometimes I fall back into my old habit of being a reserved person.

God always sends something along to remind me of the choice I made when I came to the end of that list. And cheeky as He is, He uses my hardly-mild temperament to help me stick to the resolutions I make. For example, I can hardly stop the socializing thing now that I've cried out all sorts of things about it to the youth that Sunday. Tsk.

It's 12.30am. It's the kind of time when a blogger blogs about every single thing that touches her mind without giving consideration to whether it's relevant or blog material. It's the kind of time when a blogger blogs about things people in the not-too-distant future would look back at and say, "aaah" to.

12.32am.

It's the kind of time when time seems to pass so slowly. Why isn't it 1am yet?

12.33am. The kind of time when the soul yearns for a higher purpose for itself.

12.34am. The kind of time when the blogger wonders where that wandering mosquito is that she'd been trying to kill for the past few days.

Still 12.34am.

The kind of time when the blogger decides this is the end of the blog. And thinks that no one will make it this far. Except if they cheat and skip all the way to the end.

(p.s. can't help but question: reason is something sloths and philosophers have in common. Sloths are actually smart, thinking people??)