disappointment.

I thought that the events of the past few days would have helped me be joyful no matter the circumstances. 

But today I found myself utterly disappointed. 

I know my expectations were too high and unreasonable. 

But I'm still disappointed. 

I'd really believed with all my heart that that person would rise about pursuit of ambition. 

=(

I'm still learning not to expect everything of everybody.

Lord of humility, 

meekness and majesty, 

teach me.

mighty to save!

Two months ago, I witnessed two people surrender their infant daughter and their grief to God. 

God chose not to save then.

But still they blessed their Lord and refused to mock Him. 

Their testimony moved me greatly and made me see forgiveness in a new light. 

I had never seen forgiveness displayed in that manner in people so close to me. 

Two months later, I once again witnessed a life completely surrendered to God. 

When she finally understood God's will for her, it was okay even if it meant she couldn't what she wanted.

Even when she was told that she needed to remove one ovary and one fallopian tube, she chose to rejoice and bless His name. 

This very day, God chose to save.

Five doctors who examined her at five different times had managed to commit an "error". It wasn't a cyst. It was a ruptured appendicitis.

My God is mighty to save!

Two incidents of total and complete surrender to the Lord, and He chose to work in different ways as it seemed best to Him. 

That just made me cry out as I drove back to the office, 

"Father, I surrender, 

I surrender to You!"

What if His People Prayed

"What if the armies of the Lord

Picked up and dusted off their swords

Vowed to set the captives free

And not let Satan have one more?"

"What If His People Prayed" by Casting Crowns.

I consider it the great failure of the Church that we have not lost one, but two more. 

The Church includes me.

"Somewhere between the hot and the cold

Somewhere between the new and the old

Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be

Somewhere in the middle, you'll find me.

Somewhere between the wrong and the right

Somewhere between the darkness and the light

Somewhere between who I was and who you're making me

Somewhere in the middle, you'll find me.

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender

Without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, 

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

And we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences - 

The God we want and the God who is

But will we trade our dreams for His?

Or are we caught in the middle?

Somewhere between my heart and my hands

Somewhere between my faith and my plans

Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle, you'll find me."

"Somewhere in the Middle" by Casting Crowns

We take these caught-in-the-middle feelings too lightly. 

We have underestimated the enemy.

People don't fall in a day.

"Lord, I feel you in this place

And I know you're by my side

Loving me even on these nights

When I'm caught in the middle."

Father, help them pray this prayer,

even on these nights, 

when they're caught in the middle.

camps on working days.

I get the jitters whenever church camp draws near.

Never mind the three days of leave I have to take.

The more terrifying thing is the busyness that builds up the few days before and after camp.


A few days before 

- Trying to finish every single piece of work that nobody will be able to do in my absence. E.g. submissions for a case I handled, legal opinions for files under my care, status updates to clients and non-clients for files under my care, call clients for data to complete affidavits / witness statements / pleadings. (this means if I have until Tuesday to do it, I now only have until Saturday if I have internet to email it to someone and Friday if I have to finish it in the office)

- Trying to finish writing instructions for work that other people may be able to complete for me in my absence. E.g. standard letters to clients, follow up with clients and non-clients on necessary but non-urgent matters.

- Trying to finish telling everybody who might contact me in my absence that I will be away.

- This is the worst: Trying to draft clear and unambiguous instructions for work that other people MUST complete for me in my absence. E.g. file the submissions / Bundle of Authorities that I stayed up all night doing, put together an affidavit complete with its exhibits and file, when to expect a document from court / client, what to do upon receiving it, who to courier it to, what address, who to call on Mon/Tues/Wed, when to forward calls to me, things to do so that when I'm back, I am able to do some other thing that is contingent on the first thing being done.


A few days after

- Trying to catch up with every single piece of work that landed itself on my table in my absence. E.g. incoming matters from clients / non-clients, start drafting replies to clients

- Trying to repair every single mess that birthed itself in / because of my absence.

- Trying to review every single piece of work that I instructed someone else to do to make sure nothing has been overlooked / done wrong.

- Trying to immediately go back to completing that submissions / affidavit that is due on Friday because I've lost 4 days at camp, 3 of which were work days .


All that, assuming that I don't catch a cold or fever after travelling.

And even with that cold or fever, work still needs to be done if it was due yesterday.

Oh well.

It's my birthday.

I'm still up working for a trial i shouldn't have had to handle.

How to cope when people leave the church.

I've been alternating between conflicting feelings over the past two weeks. 

At first I felt indifferent and slightly upset. 

Then I began to get angrier and angrier.

Then the anger subsided for awhile and I thought I should try to see how I could help this person.

Then I got angry again. 

Then I blamed myself for what happened.

Then I got angrier, thinking that it was ridiculous to blame myself for what happened.

Then I began to think: What did I miss? How could I not see it? I failed.

Then I got angry again, this time because lashing out on the person might cause the person to backslide. I felt trapped, with no means to let these feelings run free.

Then I googled.

I actually googled this yesterday:

"how to cope when people leave the church"

This was the third article I read. And it really helped me.

I googled because I am to meet this person on Thursday. I didn't want to go and ruin a genuine friendship and stumble somebody with my unreined anger. But I also secretly wanted to let go of this pain, by unleashing it on somebody else, because the burden of carrying it was beginning to crush me.

"It's hard to leave. It's hard being left."

These opening words were enough. I felt like someone heard me, someone understood how I felt.

"Most who leave don't make that decision lightly. 

They deal with some serious pain when they finally make the decision to go.

It's taken me a long time to hit 'publish' on today's post because, 

when I raise an issue, I like to provide solutions or alternatives. 

But I don't have a solution to this one. 

So today's post is not about answers.

It's a public recognition of our shared private pain.

With the hope that we can find some sort of solace

by knowing that we're not alone in these feelings."

And just like that... the anger melted away. The burden rolled away. The fog lifted. My eyes teared up.

By the time I came to the end of the article, I was ready for that meeting on Thursday. 

No regrets, no anger, no fear, no pain. 

It also helped me understand what that person must have been going through in making this decision to leave. 

The past few months have been tumultuous for our church. Not because anyone rocked the boat in a particularly destructive way, but because the "left behinds" of this church have endured one too many departures. 

Having someone leave because of career options is one thing. Having someone leave because they couldn't fit in seems to send the message that our church did not do enough, that we did not endure, put in, suffer enough. 

In the midst of almost breaking down just trying to balance the weekly programmes with work and other commitments (not counting the special events), this felt very uncalled for. 

How much more can we do?

I could see that question in my elder's eyes as I spoke with him over breakfast on Saturday. It saddens me that someone so energetic and charismatic is now in danger of being cynical. 

Yet, it gave me a strange comfort to know that though we were all seemingly drowning, we were all also silently acknowledging each other's burdens and struggles. But I also knew that we were all too burdened to shoulder another's burdens.

This was the writer's reply to my comment on the website:

"I am so honored that the Lord used this post, 

written from our common struggles, 

to be a help to you to face this very difficult moment.

I'll be praying for you as you approach this meeting on Thursday."

I can't pinpoint exactly why it was so comforting for me to read that article. But maybe that was it - I felt that someone who was going through the same thing, still had enough in him to shoulder this burden with me.

Brothers and sisters, this is fellowship in its truest sense.

"And let us consider 

how we may spur one another on

toward love and good deeds..."

Hebrews 10:24a

This fellowship is what this person will need in that new church. 

It is my duty now in my final ministering to that person, to help establish that fellowship for that person, without which no Christian can possibly survive life in ministry.

Thank You, Father, for this answer to prayer.

shouting.

i really can't stand it when people shout at me.
ruins my whole day.
aih.

How I feel after a two-hour meeting with client to prepare for trial:

Picture taken from www.ottsworld.com

of trust and irresponsibility.

sometimes not doing something you should have done and pushing it to another person does not equal trust (i.e. "I trust that person so much") but irresponsibility.

it's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

but when it happens often enough, it is safe to call it irresponsibility.

trust.

i think we abuse that word too much and don't give it the respect it deserves.