The worst kind of lonely.

Picture taken from https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/isolating-the-costs-of-loneliness

Pride and Prejudice.

When I was a secondary school student, my English teacher asked me to answer a question from the textbook. 

I did. 

My answer was correct. 

But she suddenly went on a tirade, saying that my answer was wrong, lecturing me in front of everyone and saying that I was always proud.

It was a really long tirade. 

Thankfully, for the health of my soul, I only remember the part where she said I was always proud. But I remember the gist of her lecture, which was that I was too proud and therefore made the very mistake I didn't think I would ever make. 

I also remember what I felt was the purpose of her lecture, which I suppose was to "put me in my place" for being proud. And apparently, the only way to effectively humble me was to do it in public. Because nothing breeds humility more than public humiliation. 

I also remember what I felt at that point (ok, not really at that point, because I used to be a blur sotong and sarcasm and its brothers would usually fly over my head at the material point of time and only come back to haunt me later in the day as I thought a little more about it) - the feeling of being wronged, wrongfully accused and betrayed. 

After her tirade, she moved on to ask the next person to answer the next question, then realized that my answer had been correct after all - she had actually read the wrong question. 

So I was - supposedly - vindicated. 

A friend behind me blurted out, "Teacher, you wrongly accused her."

The teacher ignored her and went on to the next question. 

I think that incident has stayed with me for a long time, partly because I'm a words person, and words that deeply hurt me are difficult to forget. I remember them and more crucially, the host of feelings that come with those words as if they were spoken yesterday. 

Recounting this incident because of something which recently happened and triggered this memory. 

I suppose this would most definitely count as something to deal with in counseling class.

Also, teachers, parents, leaders, friends, colleagues - be careful what you say to other people. Your words may have a greater impact than you think. 

Applicable to self also.

Let there be less pride and prejudice, 

and more humility and grace. 

pieces of me.

It's just one of those days when you have 50 things on your to-do list but everyone is on your tail like their case is the only one you're working on.

I am reminded of the parable of the unforgiving servant in times like these - when my boss does not berate me for a mistake I made, but assists me as much as he can instead. Makes me stand back and re-evaluate how harsh I have been on my students in comparison to his response to my mistakes. 

Instead of taking over what I perceive to be my boss' role of berating myself when I have erred, I'm taking a few minutes to recap what I have learned today:-

#1 - Maintain the same level of efficiency in lull periods as in busy periods so that I don't have to drastically increase my level of efficiency during busy periods. 

#2 - Get enough sleep so that my mind can function at its optimum level instead of being the dull thing it is right now. I can get more work done that way.

#3 - While I cannot control when my clients decide to call me or check on their files (which, like today, means they decided to call almost all at once), I can control how I respond to it.

#4 - There are people who are willing to help me and I do not have to bear everything on my own. My colleagues are awesome and I thank God for them.

#5 - I will get more done when I'm in a better mood. Being unkind and unfriendly to other people does not lead to a good mood in any way. Therefore, smiles, thank-you's, and hold-on-ya's work better for this goal than frowns, curt no's, and I'm-busy-go-away's.