It's my birthday.

I'm still up working for a trial i shouldn't have had to handle.

How to cope when people leave the church.

I've been alternating between conflicting feelings over the past two weeks. 

At first I felt indifferent and slightly upset. 

Then I began to get angrier and angrier.

Then the anger subsided for awhile and I thought I should try to see how I could help this person.

Then I got angry again. 

Then I blamed myself for what happened.

Then I got angrier, thinking that it was ridiculous to blame myself for what happened.

Then I began to think: What did I miss? How could I not see it? I failed.

Then I got angry again, this time because lashing out on the person might cause the person to backslide. I felt trapped, with no means to let these feelings run free.

Then I googled.

I actually googled this yesterday:

"how to cope when people leave the church"

This was the third article I read. And it really helped me.

I googled because I am to meet this person on Thursday. I didn't want to go and ruin a genuine friendship and stumble somebody with my unreined anger. But I also secretly wanted to let go of this pain, by unleashing it on somebody else, because the burden of carrying it was beginning to crush me.

"It's hard to leave. It's hard being left."

These opening words were enough. I felt like someone heard me, someone understood how I felt.

"Most who leave don't make that decision lightly. 

They deal with some serious pain when they finally make the decision to go.

It's taken me a long time to hit 'publish' on today's post because, 

when I raise an issue, I like to provide solutions or alternatives. 

But I don't have a solution to this one. 

So today's post is not about answers.

It's a public recognition of our shared private pain.

With the hope that we can find some sort of solace

by knowing that we're not alone in these feelings."

And just like that... the anger melted away. The burden rolled away. The fog lifted. My eyes teared up.

By the time I came to the end of the article, I was ready for that meeting on Thursday. 

No regrets, no anger, no fear, no pain. 

It also helped me understand what that person must have been going through in making this decision to leave. 

The past few months have been tumultuous for our church. Not because anyone rocked the boat in a particularly destructive way, but because the "left behinds" of this church have endured one too many departures. 

Having someone leave because of career options is one thing. Having someone leave because they couldn't fit in seems to send the message that our church did not do enough, that we did not endure, put in, suffer enough. 

In the midst of almost breaking down just trying to balance the weekly programmes with work and other commitments (not counting the special events), this felt very uncalled for. 

How much more can we do?

I could see that question in my elder's eyes as I spoke with him over breakfast on Saturday. It saddens me that someone so energetic and charismatic is now in danger of being cynical. 

Yet, it gave me a strange comfort to know that though we were all seemingly drowning, we were all also silently acknowledging each other's burdens and struggles. But I also knew that we were all too burdened to shoulder another's burdens.

This was the writer's reply to my comment on the website:

"I am so honored that the Lord used this post, 

written from our common struggles, 

to be a help to you to face this very difficult moment.

I'll be praying for you as you approach this meeting on Thursday."

I can't pinpoint exactly why it was so comforting for me to read that article. But maybe that was it - I felt that someone who was going through the same thing, still had enough in him to shoulder this burden with me.

Brothers and sisters, this is fellowship in its truest sense.

"And let us consider 

how we may spur one another on

toward love and good deeds..."

Hebrews 10:24a

This fellowship is what this person will need in that new church. 

It is my duty now in my final ministering to that person, to help establish that fellowship for that person, without which no Christian can possibly survive life in ministry.

Thank You, Father, for this answer to prayer.

shouting.

i really can't stand it when people shout at me.
ruins my whole day.
aih.

How I feel after a two-hour meeting with client to prepare for trial:

Picture taken from www.ottsworld.com

of trust and irresponsibility.

sometimes not doing something you should have done and pushing it to another person does not equal trust (i.e. "I trust that person so much") but irresponsibility.

it's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

but when it happens often enough, it is safe to call it irresponsibility.

trust.

i think we abuse that word too much and don't give it the respect it deserves.

trivial.

we worry about what performance to put up for Christmas 

while our brothers and sisters in Christ are being sold as slaves by the I.S.

On Christ, the Solid Rock I stand.

Do not be conformed to this world, 

but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, 

that by testing

you may discern what is the will of God, 

what is good

and acceptable

and perfect.

Romans 12:2

A friend of mine is getting married in 15 days. 

She posted an account of her journey with her fiance in their Facebook group today. 

Reading it moved me to tears. 

All you people who write meaningful long posts, don't stop writing.

All you people who write Facebook statuses questioning contemporary beliefs and restating true faith in our Lord, don't stop writing. 

You remind us that we don't belong here. You remind us that we don't have to conform, that we can be transformed. 

No matter how bad things are here, the best is yet to come.

No matter how great things are here, the best is yet to come.

There are many ways to tell a story. How you tell it shows what's inside you. 

I was encouraged to see inside Marianne today. 

Reminded me to re-examine my marriage every day, to make sure it's founded on solid ground - my Lord Jesus Himself. 

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly lean on Jesus' name. 

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand; 

All other ground is sinking sand, 

All other ground is sinking sand.

I QUIT.

Keep this up and I really will quit.

The only person around here who isn't working hard is the only person who should be working his butt off.

siao control.

when you're downstairs trying to finish drafting a difficult piece of submissions to be filed tomorrow and your grandmother is banging on the door and screaming like someone just abused her.

like uncle stefan said, this is not about self-control, this is about siao-control.

seriously, people. 

play more sudoku and word search now. it might save quite a number of people from going crazy (including yourself) when you're older.

in my room right now which looks completely yellow (i hate yellow) because it faces the afternoon and evening sun and has yellow curtains. 

siao control.

facilitate justice, not impede it.

"The Rules of the Supreme Court are intended to facilitate, not impede, the administration of civil justice. In the bad old days in England from where we took our Rules, if you put a comma wrong you were thrown out of court, so strict were they about technicalities. But over the years this strictness gave way to common sense, and every time the Rules were amended it was with the object of removing fussy technicalities, and making it easier for parties to get justice."

-- Federal Court, Tan Chwee Geok & Anor v Khaw Yen-Yen & Anor [1975] 2 MLJ 188



I like this part of the judgment. Sounds like the judge is talking to its reader. Hehe.

facebook.

Sometimes I get depressed scrolling through my news feed on Facebook.

I'm not against having fun. 

It's just...

People elsewhere are getting hanged right after they become a mum just because they're Christians or having their churches bombed or struggling to make ends meet because they chose a life of mission...

...and we, on the other hand...

What are we doing with our lives?

I would think that if we didn't have the willpower and strength to endure what they endure, we could at least live a life worthy of our calling.

The second-years in USM's CF (PKA) did a parody of Frozen's "Let It Go" for their graduating seniors, quoting several portions from the book of Hebrews in the process: 

Very funny, but also very moving. 

The words that stuck with me were:

"On you go, on you go, 

Being Christ's ambassadors

Touching lives, showing Christ

Reconciling the world back to Him

This is your calling

Let the years roll on

We'll all meet in heaven anyway."

The posts I see on Facebook now are the same as if a lawyer were to post his/her views on certain national issues and either get the law all wrong (outdated, overruled or simply non-existent law), wrongly apply the law, state opinions that even a layman can come up with, or worse - opinions that a layman WOULDN'T say simply because it was so unintelligent.

Or an English teacher posting an article which has typs, bad splling, inaccurates grammar or terrible 'Punctuation". (see how it makes you squirm?)

"Nobody's perfect". 

Fine. I agree. I'm not perfect either.

But we could all do ourselves and others a favour by asking ourselves this question before posting anything on Facebook: 

Does it reflect my calling?

lawyers are not humans.

Me: "Kak, macam mana nak apply untuk foreigner's consent ya?"
Clerk: "Saya tak pernah buat. *Gives me a folder* Ikut sample ni."

Lawyers fight for the rights of other humans - for those who have been swindled out of their money, unfairly dismissed, underpaid in breach of labour laws, or just those who have been abused in small and big ways.

Who fights for us?

Lawyers are not humans. 

We have no rights.

Bah.

i. hate. conveyancing.

I am up to here *gestures* with doing conveyancing matters.

HERE, I tell you. *gestures even more passionately*

No teacher, no guide, no instructions, no one to fall back on when I'm in a mess.

Mess means either completely clueless as to what to do next, or completely clueless as to what to do NOW.

I'm in the middle of drafting a legal opinion (on terminating two agreements and the legal repercussions thereafter), a reply submissions to an Order 14 application (Plaintiff wants to enter judgment against my client without going for trial) and an affidavit-in-reply to an application to stay my client's Order 14 proceedings pending arbitration (Defendant is trying to stall for time and wriggle out of the suit by resorting to arbitration).

I ask you, with all that:-

Who on earth has time to call this Financier and that Financier and deal with questions like, "Has your client obtained Foreign Consent to transfer?" and my own questions, like, "Hahhh?" and "Foreign con-the-what?"

People who say one can do litigation and conveyancing at the same time have obviously NOT done it, or have extremely efficient and reliable clerks who don't bully you into doing THEIR work.

I. Hate. Conveyancing.

For the above reasons.

11pm.

My best ideas for drafting a pleading, affidavit or submissions always come at night.

I love thinking up best ideas,
I hate staying up at night.

How? How?

Yawn.

just not suited to each other.

http://legal-malaysia.blogspot.com/2008/06/non-muslimim-divorce-proceeding-brief.html

I don't know which is sadder - how people get married without understanding the implications and sanctity of marriage, or how people who got married without understanding the implications and sanctity of marriage decide to destroy it for the tiniest reasons.

You can't "undo" marriage. Marriage is a commitment you made to each other, a vow you took to journey with your partner through thick and thin, a promise to love your partner regardless of the circumstances you find yourselves in.

I'm not talking about people who seek a divorce because they were cheated on or abused by their partner. I'm talking about people who seek a divorce because the toothpaste issue was the last straw, or he's beyond change because he can't put the toilet seat back down, or because she just can't clean up after him or do his dishes for him anymore, or simply because they argue more now than they did when they were dating.

Buruk siku. 

Meminta apa yang sudah diberi.

You gave something away and now want to take it back. 

Few people think of divorce that way. 

But that's exactly what it is.

Buruk siku.

captain obvious.

Maybe it's a pull factor for people to look at the trophies. Lol.

waging war.

Don't you think it's a bit ridiculous when I have to wage war to get my EA Form?

Nowadays "I don't know" is a good excuse for anything.

Anything, I tell you.

instructions

Did you know that lawyers can't do anything without their client's instructions, no matter how urgent that thing that needs to be done is?

For example, if your client has lost a matter in court, you think the judge's made a really silly decision, and you know your client has a really good chance of winning the case if he appeals... you can't do a thing if he doesn't want to appeal. Of if he's been sitting on the matter even after you told him he needs to appeal within 2 weeks.

I was reading an interesting article in the Praxis law magazine yesterday, about rediscovering the traditions of the Bar by GK Ganesan. 

On the robes we wear in the High Court, Court of Appeal and Federal Court:

"The mysterious piece of violin-shaped cloth attached to the left shoulder [of the robes] has obscure origins. One hypothesis is that it represented a moneybag. According to this legend, since barristers would not openly ask for fees, clients placed the cash payment into counsel's pocket, literally behind their back, so as to preserve their dignity. The reasoning was that if barristers could not discern how much they were being paid, then the quality of their advocacy in court could not be compromised."

...how we introduce ourselves in court:

"Once an advocate puts on his or her gown, he or she is of the same rank as any other barrister standing in the well of the court. ...a recent circular by the Chief Justice of Malaysia calls this to mind: it directs counsel not to introduce themselves or refer to judges with certain kinds of designations, and not to use any distinguishing title."

...on being called to the Bar:

"On the day of [the pupil's] Call, the pupil will rise before the judge. He will have in the crook of his arm, the robe, but will not yet be entitled to be robed or to address the court. ... After a short speech by the mover, the judge will then admit and enroll the pupil as an advocate and solicitor. What follows then, is an interesting tradition that is not found anywhere else in the Commonwealth. The pupil master, attired in open court dress, advances to the well of the court, and robes his pupil. ... the Bar Council ... determined that only a pupil master would have that privilege."

Did you know that the legal profession is called the "honourable profession"? (the medical profession is called the "noble profession")

Despite the collapse of public faith in the judiciary (and by an unfortunate co-relation, the legal profession), and despite the many why-am-I-so-underpaid-and-I-don't-want-to-work-anymore moments, I am still proud to be an advocate and solicitor. I still sense my calling as an advocate and solicitor.

I still feel indebted to this society that I am trying to serve. 

I can still hear the words of my clients ringing in my ears - "Thank you, thank you so much..."

And I am still so amazed at how my calling as an advocate and solicitor reflects my calling as a child of God.

As with our clients, we do not move without His instructions. The difference is we can trust that He knows best. Unlike some clients who are just procrastinating, He is waiting. Waiting for the right moment to act.

As with our clients, we serve our God. With service comes both joy and sorrow, satisfaction and frustration. The difference is we can trust that we serve a good, just, and holy God. 

Just as I'm proud to be a member of the Bar, we are proud to be members of His kingdom. The difference is... this kingdom and its works last forever.

It all sounds very wonderful, but it's also very difficult to remember.

Sometimes I wake up at 3 in the morning thinking about the work I haven't done. One time I even had a nightmare about erasing something I scribbled on a client's cause paper (kept erasing, but couldn't get it off). I complain a lot about my pay. I curi tulang sometimes. I've said a number of times that when I've had enough of being a lawyer, I'll go apply to be a clerk. Easy money easy life. Lol.

But these feelings don't make the profession any less what it is.

I know I feel the same way about church sometimes. 

Sometimes I go to bed thinking how terrible this and that person is. One time I even dreamed I was telling someone off for being immature and uncooperative. I complain a lot about the attitudes and the lack of progress in church. I curi tulang sometimes. I've said a number of times that when I've had enough of receiving tai-chi, I'll go do some tai-chi of my own. Easy come easy go.

But these feelings don't make God and His church any less what they are.

Those are my weaknesses. And I'm thankful for second chances. 

What about you?

Have you lost sight of what you do and why you do it?

tai-chi.

Frankly, I was amazed at the amount of tai-chi going on at the meeting. 

Especially since we're all well-acquainted with the fact that we are called to "be good examples to the flock", "lead by example", and "share each other's burdens". 

I think it's really sad to find yourself in a committee just so you can support that one person you think has the potential and the will to grow.

Oh well.

The work must go on.

The challenge is to not fall into the trap of "you do, I also do, you don't do, I also don't do".

It's a great struggle, isn't it, to not become the very thing you despise?

Father, set my heart aright. 

Make it a fitting home for You.

*demand*

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