Orang Asli Trip

Raya Holidays

Raya holidays have been nice cuz jie came back, and the house was really lively with ck around and all. We had fun trying to beat each other's high scores in his precious minigames. I discovered one thing though. He really is the king of minigames. Let's just leave it at that.

Orang Asli Trip

The youth of MGC are going on a trip to the OA Settlement. It's the one a bunch of us went to the last time. I didn't go because of um... personal reasons.This time we're going to do a wayang kulit thing on the story of Jonah (in Malay). Self-explanatory, but I'll explain it anyway.

Script
Sherene wrote it, with the help of a Malay Bible, which she got from Geng Yi. Thumbs up for you, Sherene! It's well written, in my opinion. None of those unnecessary details and silly attempts at mini jokes or anything. Clear and straight to the point. Hmm!

Props Design

• Juliana
• Yen Mei

Props consist of Jonah, The Fish, The City of Nineveh, The King, The Citizens, The Ship, The Captain, and The Waves (a lot). They're all cut out from cardboard boxes.

Jonah has a pair of arms that are actually strings, and the ends of each string are attached to (1) the cardboard figure of Jonah, and (2) a chopstick (the thin one) which enable flexible movement of the hands.

Our prop designers did a great job with The Fish! It has a circular trapdoor at the stomach. The trapdoor is kept closed by a flimsy piece of tape. When The Fish swallows Jonah, it first dives into the "waves" and then comes back up, and by then the trapdoor must already be sprung open. Jonah is held up in the middle of the stomach, which now has a hole in it, so Jonah appears to be inside the fish. The mouth is a semi-hemisphere which is pinned onto the jaw of the fish by a short pencil and a few rounds of rubberbands. A chopstick is then stuck onto the mouth to enable it to be moved up and down to make the fish look like it's opening and closing its mouth. Pretty cool huh? I think Ju got this idea from Eugin, while we were doing it for the Sunday School in GLO. So we did learn something there after all ^^ Way to go, proppies!

The City of Nineveh is, well, the city la. It looks like one too. Hmm.

The King is a fat, pear-shaped figure (haha) with a crown that is attached to his head with a chopstick and a piece of tape. When he descends from the throne to mourn, his crown is taken off and it's really nice to watch heheh.

The Citizens are actually 5 figures cut on a single cardboard, all with different gaya la. One is kneeling and mourning. We use The Citizens for 2 scenes - The sailors on the boat, and the scene at Nineveh. So when we're holding up the boat, we have to hold 3 chopsticks in each hand: The Ship, The Captain, and the Citizens. The Citizens figure has to be held a little lower to hide the kneeling figure la.

The Ship is a ship la, with a sail and a mast. It was very conveniently designed for one particular dilemma concerning the kneeling figure. Dunno they purposely designed it that way or not wan la. The Ship has a body that gets fatter (hmm?) as it goes from the *bow to the **stern. So we hold up the figures in such a way that the kneeling figure is hidden behind the fatter part of The Ship.

The Captain has a figure that was traced directly from Jonah's figure (tried that for the king but tak jadi cuz he's supposed to be fat right), with the only variation being a fleet officer's hat on his head. Oh, and he has only one flexible arm.

Behind the Scenes. Literally.

• Back: Sin Lan - Leader of the group. It was automatic. Haha. Turns the light on and off during scene transitions. Mostly in charge of Jonah's and The King's hand movements.
  
• Right: Jessica - Mostly in charge of The Fish, and holding up Jonah and The King.
  
• Centre: Sharonne - Takes over The Ship after the scene transition. Holds up The Captain, The Citizens and The Ship in the scene. Kesian ^^; Holds up The Citizens when Jonah preaches in The City of Nineveh.
  
• Left: Me - The Ship, The Waves, The City of Nineveh (I'm having great practice holding stuff up like a statue)
  

This one no joke man. Tiring. We also have to turn off the fan during practice, since the wind from the fan causes the cloth to blow and move and whatever you call it, and the figures get all blurry. So it's hot! Holding up The Waves and moving them around to look like there's a storm going on is seriously not a very pleasant job. The props are all on chopsticks, so we have to hold them and just move the stuff around. Sin Lan does a good job at making Jonah look like he's actually talking and making gestures with his "hands". At two points in the wayang kulit, we have to turn off the light and switch props.

1. Away from God & Off to Tarshish - Jonah runs away on the ship bound for Tarshish (Spain). He first boards The Ship, and there're no waves. When the light comes back on, The Waves are already there, and The Ship has changed direction to make it look like it's sailing somewhere.
2. The Disgusting Vomit & The Sighting of Nineveh - The Fish spits Jonah out. When the light comes back on, Jonah is lying on the ground, with The City of Nineveh at the other end of the cloth.

Cloth & Cardboard People

Ju and Chen li hold up the cloth and cardboard. The cloth is for the props, but since we won't have a table to hide the prop holders and to avoid our shadows from appearing on the cloth, GY had a box cut open to be a blockage for us. Yay. No need to sit properly anymore.
Anyway, this job also very tiring. Imagine holding up a cloth and a cardboard thingy about more than 1m long for more than 10 minutes. 1 minute also cannot tahan already...

Voices

• Jonah - Shaun (hoho...)
• Tuhan - Marcus (hihi...)
• Kapten kapal - Jeremy (haha...)
• Anak kapal - Mau (hehe...)
• Raja Nineveh - Daniel (forever bad guy wan haha)
• Pencerita - Sherene (no comment la)

I don't really pay attention to the voices except to know which prop to put up and when to put it up cuz I'm too busy being tired holding up the props. We all have our job battles, and the voice people are no exception. They have to depend solely on their voices, and not on their gestures or often exaggerated gestures, so it's difficult la. Especially since it's in Malay. But I think Daniel and Jeremy have no prob with the language la.

Miscellaneous but actually not as unimportant as miscellaneous usually is!

GY and Mark have been overseeing the thing and have been giving suggestions and advice, GY more la of course. And Mark always had the director gaya. GY and Sherene have been the backbone of this project, since Sherene is the organizer la, and GY... well, GY's always the backbone of everything. He and Sin Lan got all the stuff for OA, such as the hotdogs, luncheon meat, and all those other yummy food! Plus the light that is so crucial in this thing belongs to him heheh.

Well, that's about it! Dunno how the OA would take to our wayang kulit, since this is the first time we're actually doing it. But it's all in God's hands. And no matter what the outcome, it's been wonderful doing something together like this after such a long time!

Just Grumbling A Little Bit. (Regret It Now)

Dad just came into the room and told me that I played too fast for the song, Richer Blood Has Flowed From Nobler Veins, which he requested last Sunday. Well, the truth is, I started out slow, intro and all. I played the speed I played for dad when he asked me to play it at home la. But then the congregation's singing started to pick up speed as the song went on to the 3rd bar or so. According to my experience in playing for MGC, and according to my knowledge that we don't have many good singers who can stick to the pianist's speed, I followed their speed. So instead of Andante, the song was going at Moderato.

I tried to explain why to dad, but he said:

You're the pianist. Aren't you supposed to be leading the congregation? You don't follow their speed, they're supposed to follow yours.

Sigh. It doesn't work that way... I tried telling him so and explained that the people who sing out of time because of their lack of communication with the piano far outnumber the ones who can sing properly. But he... sigh... I gave the example of My Tribute, where MGC is the only assembly that sings an extra bar one line before the chorus. He said that song is different but his song should be at Andante, and the "discussion" went on la.

Haiz. The pianist does not lead the congregation at all. A pianist once told me that.

We do not lead the congregation. The congregation is led by God. Remember that. Don't ever think of yourself as the leader of the congregation.

I can't remember who The Pianist was. I can't even remember whether The Pianist was a guy or a girl (hence the different coloured quote). What I do remember is what The Pianist said. I may make a difference in the worship, but I am really not the leader of the worship session.

The practical reason as to why I have to follow the congregation sometimes is that if I don't, everything would go haywire, because we'll be singing and playing (respectively) at totally different speeds and then they would end up confused and either me or the congregation would stop what we're doing.

Mum and Dad always had trouble agreeing with that.

Sigh.

Specially for Chen Li

Introduction
Full Name: Wong Chen Li
Age: 20
DOB: 10 March 1986
POB: Malacca
Occupation: Student
Field: Interior Design
Education Center: The One Academy

For the record, this is not because of what you said the other day. I really intended to dedicate a post to each of you (including you, Geng Yi!) wan. I really couldn't do it cuz ken broke dad's lappy and I only had dad's office computer to use. And that's only once a week, for about a half hour before I go over to Miss Heng's place.

Ok.

I first met Chen Li in MGSS! The one thing I can reallyyyy remember about her was the time she wore a kebaya and dance a silly-looking traditional danced with Mei Yen. Wahaha ~ So funny. I was like watching for the sake of laughing at you guys. Sorry ya ^^ I won't do that to anyone ever again.

Then Chen Li came for our Youth Camp 2004, where Uncle Stephen Low spoke on Finishing the Race. That was when Chen Li accepted the Lord.

From that point on, we maintained a casual friendship, with her being her usual sociable self, and me passing polite remarks from time to time. Then we headed to GLO, with Ju and Sin Lan - January 2006. Frankly, I was afraid.

1. To me, Chen Li was this really sociable girl, and I wasn't really close with her anyway, so I was sure she would hang out with Ju and the rest of the GLOians and then I would be left alone
2. I was afraid of the awkward moments in the conversations to come. I mean, Chen Li would have no problem conversing, but I would be so out of place, and I was afraid I would make her feel uncomfortable
   

Well, things turned out quite differently. I found out a few things about Chen Li - Stuff like she doesn't like people slamming the doors cuz it really irritates her =P

Also, though you might not know it, you were really a source of motivation for me in GLO. During the individual morning devotions, due to my sleepiness, I would just breeze through the commentary notes first. Sometimes I would even skip reading the Bible passage so that I could bounce back onto the bed and catch a few winks before heading for the group devotion. You said something that really struck me:

I don't want to read the commentary first. I'll read the passage first and then do my devotion. THEN I'll read the commentary. Because I find that if I read the commentary first, I end up with the commentators' opinion, not my own.

I didn't really show much reaction to that back then right? (partly cuz of my pride haha) But trust me, it struck me really hard. I never told you, but it really changed my devotion for the better. I found many new treasures in God's Word that I never saw before, all because you showed me how to seek those treasures. You didn't know my bad habit before you said that, but God must've used you to correct me!

And what you said about the people weeping because of the temple that was rebuilt? I sort of disagreed back then, but that was because of my pride also T_T And all the things you shared in the adult's Bible Study, especially the one about the true meaning of "enduring", they were all very inspiring to me.

When we got back from GLO, there was one thing you said which made me really happy. We were in the car, returning from our follow-up sessions with Jess' friends, and you told me:

Thanks for our experience in GLO, I really got to know you better.

Something like that. Not quite. But something like that. I thought you were joking, but you repeated it, and said you were serious. That was so nice. I didn't think anyone would actually want to know me better, cuz in my opinion, I'm not a very nice person in the first place.

You know my previous post about being jealous of you and all that? You know why I get envious of you sometimes? It's because I can see that you are so different and so special. I may have talents that are more outstanding and more upfront than yours in church, but yours are the ones that really count. You change lives, including mine, and in many special and different ways. The one life I thought I was finally able to change turned out to be a false alarm after all. You should know who I'm talking about yeah...

You're one of those who showed me that life is not all about knowledge, and evangelism is not all about using words to persuade a person.

Your latest blog entries have been quite depressing, to tell the truth. To me la. I mean, I only write those stuff when I'm depressed.

I don't feel that I'm worthy enough to give you words of advice, the way Melissa or my sis are. But I really hope you can see what I see in you. You're not just someone among the millions in this world who help fill the earth. The world may not stop spinning just cuz you're not around, but the One who created the world in the first place took great delight in creating a world that would only be complete if you were in it. You are a soldier on the frontline, leaving a legacy and an example for people like me who stand behind you, and a comrade, who teaches and corrects me subconsciously every single time.

People say you're a sanguine, but somehow when I see you, I see a fellow melancholic. Maybe it's because of the many similiarities in the way we think. And the patterns of ups and downs we go through that strikes a bell somewhere. As a melancholic, I don't have the ability or the courage to help you emotionally or spiritually, but I hope you find comfort in knowing that there IS someone who feels the same things you do, although in different circumstances, and that I would never think you're behaving in a silly way just cuz you write things in your blog that people don't usually write.

I mean, just look at my own blog.

Hmmph.

You HAVE changed me. Before GLO, I was this gloomy pile of melancholia just waiting for Judgment Day to come so that I don't have to live in this world any longer. But staying with you in the same room enabled me to be a firsthand witness to the evidence that even I can go back to being the lively person I was when I was a kid.

I'm a much happier person now!

And I owe you a movie yeah!

Contrary to popular belief, there IS room for spiritual decline somewhere along your life. You didn't really expect it to be a straight line all the way, did you? Even Maxwell Hill was uphill N downhill! Uphill can mean a really weary climb, you know. I'm sure you know. Literally. Your spiritual life was not meant to be a straight line like that of a marginal utility curve when the prices of items X and Y are nil.

Never mind.

Remember what my mum said: It's only when you go out into the world that the real tests come.

But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

1 Tim 6:11-12

You woman of God la.

Spiritual Marker?

I think God is working on my anger part.

I get angry very easily. It was worse when I was a kid la. Okkkie. Here's a confession.

Shaun (my younger bro) and I were very close when we were young, but the probability distribution goes like this:

P(X = at least 1) [no symbol here la], where X = the number of boys

Which means a relationship in which there is at least one boy. What I mean to say is whenever P(X at least 1), there's bound to be some quarrels that involve not only hair-pulling and face scratching. Anyway, we were very close, but we were also each other's worst enemy. Shaun loved to provoke me, and the fact that I was a boiling volcano didn't help things much. Shaun once provoked me so bad that I stalked to the kitchen and would've taken out a knife (I didn't care if it was a butcher knife) if it wasn't for my grandma, who wisely stopped me with all the strength she could muster. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that I would've killed Shaun if I'd taken that knife.

That's how bad my anger is.

I still recall how I used my badminton racquet to pound Shaun on the head several times before throwing it at him with all my strength because I was so angry with him. That was when I was in secondary school, I think. After that incident, dad took us aside and counselled us. When he asked me what I needed to do to avoid this sort of incident, I glumly gave him the typical answer: Control my anger. He surprised me by saying, "No, Hwei. You don't control your anger. What you need to do is to change your mind-set. Change it so that you don't get easily provoked by Shaun again."

That really made sense to me. After that, my anger wasn't that bad. I thought that was the end of things. But nowadays, I've been quarrelling a lot with mum. And it's not just those little nasty and mean exchanges which are easily forgotten and dealt with over a short period of time. Every time we quarrel, I end up crying. Terribly. My eyes getting smaller already.

I even wrote a diary entry once, two days ago, I think. About how angry I was with her. Reading it again, I feel it's just horrible. Like there's this other person inside me, my old man, maybe, striving to get out and take that knife and kill someone again. I know I'm starting to sound like some freako who's on the verge of committing her first act of murder, but that's not happening ok.

The fact that God is trying to deal with this part of me gives me the assurance that I'm going to get through it. Something mum said in the last Bible study stayed with me till now. She said it struck her in 1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has taken you except such as is common to man. But God is faithful, Who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but with the temptation also, shall make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

In NIV, it reads: That you may be able to stand up under it.

Mum said that although God would provide us with the strength to bear the temptation, it is still up to us to stand up under the temptation. Do we want to stand up? Do we want to bear it? That will of ours, which God freely gave to us, is so crucial in overcoming temptation!

God will give me the strength to win this battle with my old self. I have no qualms about that at all. But I have a part to play in this battle as well. God has given me the sword, the belt, the breastplate, the shield, the helmet, as well as the strength to yield those stuff that usually only guys can yield! I have to swing the sword, and put on the armour!

Haiz. I know this is going to be harder than anything I've ever done in my life. Only then can it be called a spiritual marker right? It's gotta be big enough to leave a mark on my life. Haiz. Sometimes feel so tired... But I'm in enemy territory... and if God thinks I have what it takes to be in enemy territory, I suppose He's given me all I need to fight in here.

Strength! I need strength! Plenty!

I have sweaty palms that might let the sword slip out of my hand...

Allow me some space to be unserious please.

Review of Jie's Birthday Surprise

It um... worked? I have no idea. Ask the rest. Hmm.

Jie's Birthday Surprise

Supposed to have a birthday surprise for sis tonight. Schemers involved:

• Dad
• Mum
• Shaun
• CK
• Melissa
• Juliana
• Chen Li
• Yen Mei
• Geng Yi
• Jun Yi
• Mark

Jie busted their bday surprise last year, and her housemates' this year, and almost busted ours just now. Cuz CK and I super blur la. We were like discussing it in the next room when she barged in and giggled out that she knew what was going on. Actually she acah only but then we tertipu cuz we too blur already. Good thing shaun and dad pulled a superb cover up with their super bluffs.

The thing is I thought the cover up was real. Good la. My reaction was super convincing.

Dad covered up by saying we would surprise them tomorrow instead, with sis coming in from the back door and surprising them while they stay in the dark. Sis was soooooo excited about it (I was too =_=)! Shaun managed a marvellous and fantastic backup for dad and the plan worked. I think. I hope. Hmmph.

I think CK thought the cover up was real also ^^; CK brought sis out for a movie already. It's now or never!

Well, not really. To be precise: It's 12 am or never!

Hopefully it works this time!!!!

Specially for Sin Lan

Introduction
Full Name: Koo Sin Lan
Age: 18
DOB: 8 February 1988
POB: Malacca
Occupation: Student
Field: Food Nutrition
Education Center: Sedaya

Ok.

Sin Lan and I were actually quite distant friends before we went to GLO with Chen Li and Ju. But we somehow became close after our GLO experience. Muahaha.

Like Seok Ling (my best friend since primary 6) and me, Sin Lan and I are actually quite different. I think actually very different la. She's a confirmed and affirmed choleric - responsible, efficient, hardworking, and an awesome leader with a creative mind and an eye for the future. Me? I'm a melancholic - mostly opposite of her... no need to list down haha. I dunno la, but somehow I feel that there's something we share that made us closer to each other than I can ever be with Chen Li and Ju. Perhaps it's the fact that we didn't have many real friends from our schooling days and we went through the same kinds of stress stuff before. Hers more than mine, of course. I remember once Sin Yee said Sin Lan once squatted down beside the fridge and cried cuz of the pressure of school, other co-curric stuff and of course family. That really struck close to home cuz I did that before, and for the very same reasons.

For convenience's sake, I think I'll call this thing P(x).

I think the bad side to this is that this P(x) pulls us together, but it is sometimes the very thing that causes a barrier between us also. We're both not the type to dig deep into each other's soul or what, or to talk about really emotional stuff. I know a melancholic is supposed to be emotional, but do remember that one of the prominent features of a melancholic is the tendency to keep most of everything inside k. Sometimes when she calls me on the phone (it takes a lot of effort to call people, know), or when I call her (super effort, like just now), there're these moments of silence where we just don't know what to say to each other. We're both quite rotten communicators. I think she'll agree with me when I say that I'm mostly ok with outsiders or people I'm not too close with or people I don't share P(x) with, but when it comes to talking to people I really, really care about or really, really share P(x) with, it becomes difficult to talk about things that are close to my heart. This includes sis, shaun, pa, mum, and lin. I sometimes experience this with gy also, and it's especially obvious when we're in the car and I have nothing to say to him. Hmm.

Sin Lan made sandwiches for me last Saturday. Well, not for me only. Other people ate also. I mean, she made a whole tupperware's worth of it (like the ones we use to put cut pieces of watermelon in) and brought it to youth. But she told me, "Wo kan dao ni de msn na bian you xie ni yao chi sandwich". So nice of her huh. No one really did that for me before, except Mum. ^^ So terharu! It becomes especially mengharukan when I think of it in the context of Sin Lan previously being a distant and reserved person. GLO was such a breakthrough for both of us in this aspect! I'm so glad we went to GLO!

And the thing about her is she doesn't go around letting people know what she likes or dislikes. Such a nice person. I must do something special for her when she comes back! You people don't bocor rahsia ar!

What Tomorrow Brought

...continued...

Mainly cuz maybe he didn't go for golf after all =_=

Anyway, back to today.

Weird topic title when one thinks about it huh. Is 'tomorrow' ever used with a word in the past tense? Hmm.

Business teacher returned our papers today. I didn't know that she'd arranged the papers in the ascending order of marks. So when she was holding the last paper in her hand, and asked, "Siapa belum dapat?" I was like, wut did I do this time, while raising my hand. Then she grinned cheekily and said, "Tze Wei (yeah that's how almost everyone pronounces my name) seorang saje yang dapat 80 ke atas."

Everyone was stunned for a moment. Then I walked to the front and took my paper. I was really shocked. How on earth did I get 82...??? When I exited the exam hall, I was totally agreeing with my friends when they said they wanted to go tiao lou. But then!!!!

If this is not a case of God helping me then I dunno what else to call it la.

Praise God!

I Don't Know About Tomorrow

Seriously. I mean, not so seriously la. This is what I know:

• Business exam which covers chapter 2 and half of chapter 3 which is like 1/3 of the whole book (chapter 3)
• I haven't finished studying and so I'm probably gonna stare at some pretty empty kertas kajang

But I'd rather not know those stuff. Hmm. Uncle Hoh always said that knowledge won't kill a person, but I think he's wrong. Sigh.

Wanted to post for a long time already but ken dropped dad's lappy so the screen cracked. Now he's like connecting it to the desktop downstairs so that the lappy stuff appears on the desktop screen instead.

Anyway, I was laughing in the bathroom the other day, when I read about the Senator's dumb dialogue with the journalist that caused the Customs D-G's expression to go from shock to bizarre, in the NST's marvellous phrase. He was practically boasting about his fabulous cheating prowess. Haiz. And to think these are the kind of people who carry out legislative duties in our country. As stephen would say, mati-syimati lah kita semua.. This kinda proved what dad always says: Some adults don't grow up, they just grow old. And some of them grow younger.

True, true.

Zheng came back this weekend, going back tomorrow morning. Came back for a cousin's wedding, and there'll be another wedding in Ipoh, and another one in KL. All this super rich Tiong people ar...

I told him to try to stay back for the group devotion cuz unc kian has been shooting off for a lottttttt of times already, and qi has been missing a lot. Not that she minds, I know =_= I returned from watching yen mei play "You Are My All In All" and what do I find?

That's right. The Tiong family nowhere in sight.

MGC team plans their strategy. Chitter chatter chitter chatter. The deal's sealed! Qi is staying for devotion! Team player Tse Hwei runs with the ball. Zoom! She matches up with Team player Yen Mei for a marvellous tune! They run, they pass, they speed! Tse Hwei makes it to the basket, she shoots! She.... hey where's the ball?

Zheng had a major headache and had to go home.

Before I knew that, I was so disappointed. I thought, if even Zheng can't get Unc Kian to stay back, who can? I really felt like calling up Unc Kian and scolding him straight to his face for not being more concerned about his sunday golf than qi's spiritual condition. I'm so glad I didn't do that. I don't know if he would've gone to play golf anyway if Zheng didn't have a headache, but

Vocal Session Again

I've been accompanying Miss Katie Fong's students in their vocal sessions. They're preparing for their vocal exam in late November or early December. Funny. I never knew they had exams ^^; Weird thing is they jump straight into the Grade 4 exam. So weird huh. If like that might as well label the Grade 4 exam the Grade 1 exam right?

Hmm. Well, musicians are weird people. Not me though. I'm normal. Haha. Or should I say har-har? There's a difference, you know.

Anyway, I really love working with Miss Fong. She's so professional, and there's never a time when I go for her sessions and get away being labelled perfect. That's what makes me so nervous about going for her sessions sometimes, but that's also what keeps me going. My skills go up a level every time I play for her heheh.

I posted this on my friendster blog also, but didn't really go into detail cuz her students, Camie and Katrina, have friendster also =P So anyway, here are the songs:

Camie (MMU - Law Foundation - 18 years old)
Camie's more of an Alto. So you can imagine the trouble she has to go through to sing Sop songs. She has rebonded hair which she dyed brown partly. She looks really lovely when she ties her hair up, and she's super slim ^^ She drives me to the sessions :)

Snowbells
Language: German (I think)
The title speaks volumes about the song. I'm supposed to play it and create a Narnia atmosphere. You know, the pure white landscape that gives one a feeling of completeness, purity and gentleness that only snow can bring, yet there is a sensation of the nearness of spring? I can almost do it at home with my own piano, but at Miss Fong's place, the electronic piano makes things a little difficult. It's operating on the Touch feature, you see. Touch is the feature that enables the dynamics of the keys. If the feature is disabled, all the keys would sound with the same loudness.
One of the reasons why I can't play properly is the foreignness (is there such a word?) of the language...


Nel cor piu non mi sento?
Language: Italian
This one is actually an opera classical, where this lady has 3 suitors chasing after her, and she's like "Why is love not what it usually is? Why am I feeling like this?". It's something like she's actually happy about being so attactive, but she's going all "oh noes" about it la. So there's one part where she goes "pieta, pieta, pieta", supposedly pitying herself but with a dramatic turn in her voice and actions. This is a difficult one for both Camie and me. For one, it's incredibly high-pitched. In addition to that hurdle, I'm supposed to play it andantino (faster or slower than andante - in laymen's term, either slower than slow or faster than slow haha), while keeping it upbeat and dramatic at the same time. To make things worse, I found it online, but the lady who sang it was.. sigh.. operatic? Horrendous. Ken was like, "is that a song???"


Feed the Birds
Language: Good ol' English!
This is without a doubt, my favourite piece!!!

1. It's in English, my first language!
2. I heard it sung by Mary Poppins, and it was lovely...
3. Both Kat and Camie are doing it, so it makes practice much easier
4. Katie told me I can add my own stuff to it cuz the accompaniment is way too simple, so I "have a say" in playing it!

It's really a beautiful song. I can just lose myself in it and imagine Mary Poppins all over again. Katie told the vocalists that they have to remember that sometimes they're the narrator, and sometimes they're the old birdwoman herself.

Tell the story, lose yourself in the song. You're singing "Come, feed my birds"!

The song takes on an interesting thingy when it says, "while overhead, her birds fill the sky". Awesome. Tuppence a bag!

Katrina (STSD - Secondary 4?)
Kat has a beautiful voice. She's a Sop, so she has less trouble singing the songs. She has really good voice control, and is a better singer than Camie, I must say. She's nice, and has a really nice slang. She has mixed blood, I think. So she has these curls all over her head.

Where the Bee Sucks
Language: English
Unfortunately, I still have trouble with this song, although it's in English.

1. I haven't heard it before, so I have trouble connecting
2. It's an upbeat song, and my upbeaty stuff is just terrible
3. The notes jump about and take on staccatoes at the most difficult places
4. Lots of ritardandos (slowing down), hard for me to work with Kat on slowing down and going a tempo at the same time

I have to work on this one. Katie says I keep doing these rubato stuff (getting faster) and my playing sounds like I'm rushing to get the notes right (which is true T_T).

Minnelied
Language: German (I think)
It means "Love Song", and it's by Franz Schubert. Great guy. I love his Polannaise in A. This one ar? I can't really gauge my performance cuz we didn't go through this one the last session. I think it's ok in terms of note playing, but the emotions aren't there la. Perhaps cuz it's in a foreign language (again).

Feed the Birds

Terms for the Layman
Andantino - slower or faster than andante
Andante - slow
Rubato - getting faster
Staccato - short notes (sort of like jumping beans?)
Ritardando - slow down
A tempo - resume original speed

Hello to Pei Ling

Have you ever considered that the theme of the Old Testament can be summed up in Isaac's question on Mount Moriah: "the fire and wood are here, but where is the lamb?" (Genesis 22:7). And the question is wonderfully answered in the New Testament: "Look, the Lamb... who takes away the sin of the world! (John 1:29)

- Selwyn Hughes -

Grabbed from Pei Ling

I like this ^^

It's not plagiarism if I mention the source right? The Star newspaper said so heheh.

~~~~~~~~ Anyway ~~~~~~~~

Like the title says, this is a Hello to Pei Ling post. Lazy to write everything here, so refer to the comment on my last post ya =P


Ya, before I forget... Hello, Pei Ling! There are only so many words one can write in a chatbox or in a comment box without:

1. Running out of character space
2. Causing everything to look congested and messy
   

So I decided to write something here instead.

Ok. Since you're from KGC, can you do me a favour? I think I wrote it somewhere in this blog also. Try to get Jupiter to bocor his secret on why he calls himself Jupiter k. All this mystery is killing me.

My sis will be pleased to know she's sweet and demure buahahahahahahaha. I'll laugh at her about it after her birthday on Oct 23. I told you already yeah. No excuse for missing it!

I've got to study for my finals (sounds so urgent) already. 3 weeks of exam! So buhbye and good evening.

It's all mashed up, I can't sum it up in one title

PA Tuition Misadventure

Yesterday I was supposed to have PA tuition la. That much I knew. So after struggling with some complacency issues, I made up my mind to go at 5pm. Mum offered to get me there, but Dad called and said he'd do it. Dad was back late from Klang, and we had about 15 minutes to get to Bachang from Bukit Katil.

Zoom we went, at more than 80 km/hour. Arrived just in time, and I ran up (jogged la) the stairs. I went into the class and greeted Miss Heng as usual. To my surprise, she exclaimed, "Har?!!" I was like, har too la. Then everyone was like snickering and giggling d. I was like, what's up? Did I do something wrong? She stared at me with wide open eyes, "Tuition sudah habis baru datang?" HARRRR??! And that's what I said la, with the tanda seru and all. One guy, whom I've come to label The Guy Who Likes To Answer Questions And SS Sometimes, looked up at me and said, "Tuition finish d". Of course I was shocked la. I harred again. And she said, "Tuition started at 2 till 5! Tse Hwei, kamu mimpikah??"

Aiyak.

Everyone was laughing...

I had nothing left to do but to sit down at the front row. Thank goodness it was empty, if not...

Haiz. So I sat down and sms-ed Dad, but of course he didn't get the sms. So after the class was officially dismissed, I called him, and he laughed at me. Back home, Mum half-scolded, half-laughed at me. Sigh.

I am blur.

Seoks told me her PBSM ex-prez told her that I'm famous in MHS for my blurness. Please la, I don't even know the guy. So kepoh.. this kind of thing also want to gossip about. So anyway, good thing Ming Suan and Derrick weren't there in the afternoon class. If not, I think my reputation would have been further boosted. HAIZ.

Let's talk about something else.

Me and L6A3

Today I sat beside Ming Suan, cuz we were floating today and I was late to class cuz I went to the toilet as usual. So kesian. I could see he was struggling to keep himself awake, slapping his face, and rubbing his eyes etc. He slept then woke up again, slept, woke up, and continued the cycle. What surprised me was when Pn Shirley (Econs) asked us where the first Proton plant was, he woke up and said Shah Alam, which was the correct answer.

There are indeed many weird people in the world.

He bought the wrong book, you see. So while everyone was turning to page 186 for the latihan, he was looking totally lost. So I shared with him la. He also shy want to ask. Hmm. Everyone (especially the guys, except Wai Ki, Benny [orang gila] and Aaron la) seems to be afraid to ask me stuff in class. Wan Ting says I'm a serious person. Har-har. In MHS only, Wan Ting! Anyway, I shared with him, and he really genuinely tried to answer the questions.

Background info on Ming Suan and his buddy Derrick: Derrick is best known as the Harry Potter boy, and Ming Suan is known as the Tampin boy. They are always either sleeping or talking in class. They seem to do nothing else. Naturally, I thought they are the kind of people who come to Form 6 for fun and will drop out at the end of the two terms.

So I was pleasantly surprised that he put in some effort. And when there was one question about TC and MC, he asked me how I did the question, cuz he didn't know how to do it. That surprised me even more.

Derrick was at the back, looking blur with his super huge eyes as usual. Someone asked him if he was thinking or dreaming, and he said, "Wo bu ming bai". Ke lian. I think the reason why The Duo are always slacking off is cuz they're sitting way at the back. My time in GLO sitting somewhere at the back, and today's experience, where I was almost at the back, showed me that it really affects my focus. I couldn't really grasp the LMC concept as easily as I normally would on other days. And since The Duo never really learned any basics in the first place, due to their slacking since the first lesson, it really is much more difficult for them.

Sigh... I really wish I can help them. But I find that English is the only thing I can effectively teach other people. Other subjects, I either sound too confusing or too short-cutted (got such word?). Then again, English is the language for which all of them (except Shih Cui) are afraid to ask for my help.

And my Mandarin isn't very fantastic, either. I have much difficulty communicating with them because of this, and I'm sometimes afraid to teach them because of my lack of fluency. Like today, I think I spoke too fast to Ming Suan. Dunno he understand or not.

Hmmph. I must improve my Mandarin!


However, I'm happy to say that Wai Ki, Aaron, Benny, Shih Cui, and Sheah Ching are getting used to me. Wai Ki casually asked me for my Math T textbook today, and Aaron, Wai Ki, Mei Fong, Mei Ting, Wan Ting, and I had fun with our Business quiz today haha.

Shih Cui asked me a funny question today. She came up to me with this totally urgent look and asked, "Ni chu liao sports bu hao, hai you shen me bu hao?" My initial reaction was my sports no good meh?? Ceh. Then only I realized the oddness of her question. Why was she asking me for my weakness?? Then she answered, "Oh, mei you. Ying wei wo kan ni hao xiang tai perfect liao." Har? So funny wan. So I listed down my shortcomings lor, and Wan Ting helped also =_=

Spiritual Food: Kajang vs MGC

Yesterday Zheng messaged me. Sis told me he's coming back this weekend, so I asked him if it was true la. Then he said he might be coming back, cuz his class ends on friday 12pm, and he's super free on weekends, so if nothing on then he might come back lor. Immediate reaction was super happy la. But then I remembered what Jie said:

My ministry is in Kajang d. I shouldn't come back so often already.

So I told him not to come back so often cuz I really feel the spiritual food in Kajang is much better than the one we get here in MGC. I seriously think so. The only spiritual food I can really say is enough for my stomach is dad's OT walkthrough, Adult's Bible Study, and when occassionally some gifted preacher comes along to preach on Sunday. My heart is craving something more, and yet that craving cannot be fulfilled by MGC. I can't sense the yearning for solid spiritual food here, and I really think Zheng can't grow much here.

But I added that he must come back sometimes haha.

Better for him to stay there la. I'd rather not have him come back but know he's growing spiritually, then to have him back often, and know that he's only growing a millimeter per week or none at all.

Wait God say I halang him from growing ^^; Subject to God's judgment in heaven!

I can't even get angry properly anymore...

I was so angry today... Too hungry to write about it now, though.

Anyway, my post 2 days ago was deleted because of the computer glitch. Again. Haiz.

Today's anger is not caused by that ok. Why would I get angry over such a silly thing tsk.

Zheng's birthday yesterday. Hmm. He was quite free yesterday cuz he hadn't any class. Was supposed to be his practical day yesterday, but it just so happens that there's not to be any practical on the first week. So he was totally free. I was chatting with him via MSN la. So I asked him what he was doing, being free and birthday-ic and all. He said: "I'm studying in the library heheh" I went, "Ohhh ok." Wait. If he was studying in the library, AND chatting with me at the same time, logically, there were only 2 possibilities:

1. He was slacking off
   
2. I was disturbing him
   

Good thing it was the first one ^^;

Made me wonder, though. What would it feel like to be so far away from home on my birthday? I'm so used to mum and dad and shaun dropping "subtle" hints about my birthday i.e. Who's birthday today ar?

What would my first year at uni be like? Will I be able to come back to celebrate my birthday properly? Or would I get all these birthday wishes via sms? In my mind, Zheng has been experiencing all that since he left for Singapore 4 years (?) ago. I think it's a sad thing. I think la. Maybe he's used to it already.

Then again, isn't it an awful thing to be used to not being with family on your birthday?

Or maybe it's just me and my family. We're too close already. Hmm. IS there such a thing as a family being too close? The word "too" is often used to imply excessiveness and exaggeration, isn't it? But it's a good thing for a family to be close right?

Here I go again. Rumbling along sentences and questions that many would frown in confusion at when they read them.

Thinking about Zheng's life (though he may feel it's perfectly fine) has made me glad that I didn't apply for the Singapore scholarship when my friends and teachers were forcing me to. Like Derk said (it annoyed me then), i mightn't have gotten it anyway. Hmmph. Good la. I'd have to come back to Malaysia and then study in Malaysia anyway. Same thing also. Just more suffering involved only.

Apologies to all Singapore scholarship holders out there. But this is really what I think and feel. And this IS my blog, isn't it? If any of you are reading this and feel utterly offended, I beg you to message me personally and tell me so. I wouldn't attempt to argue with you. And that's a very rare thing!

Anyway... I know Zheng will probably never read this cuz he has trouble just opening an e-card link, but maybe God will show this to him in heaven someday. then maybe he'll terharu and give me some of his heavenly treasures =P So...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZHENG!!!

Walk His Trail, Run the Race

Geng Yi, Adrian, Shaun and I attended the Footstool Players's play - Walk His Trail, on Sat and Sun. I went again on Sunday cuz Wan Ting was supposed to go also, but she couldn't go at the last minute. Never mind, went again lor. I liked Colin's, Veronica's and "Elisabeth Elliot"'s pronunciation of words anyway. I always say my special skill is the Sharingan, which I use almost all the time to copy other people's skills muahaha. Hopefully I copied enough slang to use in my MUET speaking test next year hehe...

The play was ok la. I wouldn't say it was very good. Unc Ivan said:

It's very hard to get a "very good" from you hor. Your standard very high.

Well, yen mei also said it was ok only. The words very good takes a lot out of a person to say, you know. I would say the Passion of the Christ was good, and The Last Samurai was good, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that those movies were very good. Things made by man.. how good can they be anyway?

If you asked me, what did you think of Jesus after watching the Passion of the Christ? I wouldn't say, "His sacrifice... it was very good." In fact, there would be no words to describe what I think about Jesus. He goes beyond very good.

The problem with these two words is that they're either too good for an ok situation or too understated for an awesome situation. I've come to the conclusion that they usually can't be used at all. Except maybe for food. Maybe.

Or the SAGC pianist!!! That guy's playing is really good! See? That's the thing. If I were to use the words very good, I can't afford to use the "!". I'd have to say, "That guy's playing is very good."

Aargh, what's all this about very good's and what-nots!

Anyway, about the play~

I'm not the kind of person to appreciate plays and all the trouble actors go to present a good drama so I wouldn't talk about what good actors they were or anything like that. Rather, what struck me in the play was the passion that those men had for God: Jim Elliot, Pete Flemming, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Roger Youderian. Although I sometimes found the narration of their letters and journals rather unlively, the core of the message they were sending out struck me to my soul. Their lives were living fulfilment of God's Word!

• Mat 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me
  
• Mat 10:38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after Me, is not worthy of Me
  
• Luk 17:33 Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it
  
• Mat 10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for My sake shall find it

Perhaps the verse I loved most was the one uttered by one of the wives after the deaths of their husbands:

Psa 48:14
For this God is our God
For ever and ever:
He will be our guide
Even unto death

Such faith and such peace in the midst of trouble... And what about what Elisabeth quoted many years later?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels
That the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed

We are perplexed, but not in despair
Persecuted, but not forsaken
Cast down, but not destroyed
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus
That the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body
For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake
That the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh

2 Corinthians 4:7-11

And what her own heart said:

God seems to have laid out the order of things, not for the general and brilliant triumph, but for the hidden sanctification of individual souls

BELIEVE
That the will of God is always
Far different
From what we imagined
Far bigger
Far more difficult but
unspeakably more glorious

No doubt the play was ok, but what is not ok is what I can see God did to the people those players represented.

What He did to them... was unspeakably more glorious than anything man can ever capture in a play.

Therefore...

The play was ok.

Zheng's Farewell

We just played a prank on Zheng yesterday muahaha. He's leaving for U of Nottingham on Wednesday. And since almost all efforts to go yamcha and play captainball with him have failed prior to sunday, we had no choice but to use devotion time to satisfy our desire to make his life at least a little bit difficult before he leaves. We played the Follow the Leader game again (we played it for Chen Li also, except without the prank). Let's rewind a little bit.

September 15, 2006, Friday

Geng Yi sms-ed me while the Bible study group was having their fei-low-ship. I was lying on the sofa cuz I didn't feel well la (as usual). He said youth was off for saturday. I asked him why lor, and asked about the farewell for Z. He called and said they (Unc Ivan and G) were gonna do something for Z on Sunday after church. I asked him what it was. And he veryyyyyyy cheekily said:

Hah! That's for me and Unc Ivan to know and for you to find out! Muahaha!

Oooook.

September 16, 2006, Saturday

Geng Yi called me in the morning.

Eh, Hwei. Wanna ask ar. You got anything to do for Z tomorrow anot?

Har-har. Chen Li suggested letting Z eat my saliva, but it was unanimously agreed that Unc Kian Boon might kill us for that. So we turned to Chen Li's second suggestion, which was rotten vegetables. But we both pondered the possibility of Z getting cirit-birit again. It was unanimously agreed that Unc Kian Boon WOULD kill us for that. So Geng Yi suggested banana plus wasabi plus biscuits and he went like this:

Wahahahahhahahah!

Keji!

Anyway, Geng Yi said that Z had suggested going to church to play captainball since youth would be off. So it was agreed. We would grant Z one last game of his favourite captainball before he leaves. Geng Yi called the rest of the youth.

Same day, 4pm
Geng Yi came to fetch me, Shaun and Adrian. We bought some bananas also.

Same day, 5.30pm
Those who were present:

• Geng Yi
• Me
• Shaun
• Adrian
• Yen Mei
• Ju
• Unc Anthony
• Sherene

8 of us. And the person who wanted so much to play wasn't there. -_- Unc Kian Boon wanted him to help with the dinner they were preparing for the MMU guys at night. Hmmph. Never mind. We played anyway. Simple mathematics would show that there weren't exactly enough players for each team. 2 Defenders, 2 Goal-catchers, and 2 players for each team. And since I'm the kind of striker who doesn't like to run about and get all sweaty, there was only Sherene to run about for the ball in my team. Anyway we managed just fine.

Team A - Sherene, Me, Geng Yi, Adrian
Team B - Ju, Yen Mei, Unc Anthony, Shaun

Of course the goal-catcher and the defender kept getting away from their positions to help also lor. And I had to run a little bit. Hmmph.

Same day, 11.41pm
After Geng Yi, Li Lian, Adrian, Shaun and I went for the Footstool Players play, we dropped by Z's house to see if he still wanted to yamcha (he said yes two days before) because he didn't reply Geng Yi's messages or pick up Adrian's calls. Lo and behold, when we got there, the MMU ppl were still makan-ing and enjoying themselves. Shaun and Adrian went in to look for Z. Geng Yi and I (being the pranksters we are) decided to hide and scare them out of their hides. So we drove and hid in front of a big truck. And we waited. And waited. And waited. At first we were laughing gleefully. But as time wore on, we got bored. So we drove back front, and guess what? We discovered Shaun and Adrian were nicely lounging around in the house, eating the food, and chatting away. Aargh!

Orang keji dikejikan pula.

Well, anyway, it was obvious that our date with Z had to be cancelled la. So off we went.

Same day, 12am
Shaun and I prepared The Thing.

September 17, 2006, 12pm
We played Follow the Leader. Geng Yi had already told Shaun to be the one to escort the Guessers out. Geng Yi told the group that whoever had 3 wrong guesses would have to eat The Thing, which by now consisted of Koko Crunch, Crackers, 3 Bananas, Chilli Sauce, and Garlic (compliments of Sherene).

1. Z - No problem
2. Stephen - Had to eat The Thing - Vomitted
   
3. Frederick - Had to eat The Thing - Liked it and wanted more
4. Z again (Geng Yi cleverly said: We start with Z and end with Z)

Ok. Here's the thing. After Shaun had escorted Z out far, far away, he whispered to the group:

Ok. Now I'm going to give Z 5 guesses. Each time he guesses, whoever he guesses, whether right or wrong, we will say wrong, ok? And I'll do it this way: He has to eat The Thing for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th 'wrong' guesses. Wahahhahaha!

No la. He didn't laugh like that this time. Wait Z hear pula. So anyway we selected Adrian as the leader. Z rightly guessed wrongly (hmm) for the first 3 times. So he rightly had to eat The Thing. He looked like he was gonna throw up. Haha. The 4th time, he rightly guessed it was Adrian. But awwww, too bad. We said it was wrong. Eat again. Really looked like he was gonna spit it out on CK's head. 5th time, wrong again. He took a long time this time. But of course wrong also la. Makan again. Just when he was gonna eat, he asked: "Actually who's the leader?" Oops. Geng Yi said: "You eat first la."
Kesian... had to go toilet.
After that Geng Yi made Shaun and me eat it, cuz we prepared it, and he ate it himself, cuz he organized the thing, to be fair to Z la.

It didn't taste that bad, except the banana was pretty strong. I rather liked the garlic. Everyone else hated it, though.

When Z came back, he asked again: "Who was it?" When Geng Yi said "Adrian", Z's face was like, "Oh noes, I've been punk'd!"

After that we had a time of sharing. Z shared about his time here, and how he's gotten closer to some people, from whom he drifted apart in the 4 years he was away. Geng Yi called on Marcus to share, but Marcus started a conversation with Z instead. Went something like this:

Marcus: Eh Ah Zheng, I heard the place you're going to is very ulu wan right?
Z: Ya.
Marcus: Oohhh, like this eh?

=_= I can't remember the rest of it, but it was something like that la. The rest of us were like... batu jatuh di atas kepala... -_-|||

Anyhoo, Geng Yi spoke for all of us when he said that we have more to write than to say, because by sharing, sometimes our tears wouldn't listen to our command, and they just spill out all over the place. So we passed him the card Sherene made, with all our comments and farewells in it, and Geng Yi said that those who wanted to hug him could do so. Then we left. And it was over. Hmm.

Really wished we could do more for him, but... the problem with this finite world is that you often don't have the sufficient time to do the things you want to do. But then again, I still feel that even if we'd had the world's biggest party for him, there would still be an emptiness in my heart when he leaves. I think the emptiness would be even bigger too. We so often try to squash all these sad feelings of people going away by feeble attempts to replace them with joy and little parties and farewells, but we can't run from the fact that those ARE farewells. And farewells always contain an element of sorrow and loss.

When Chen Li went away, I told her: "We haven't seen the last of you." I genuinely felt that way, because it was just KL after all. It isn't like she's going to Penang, where she can only come back so rarely. But Z's going away seems to be different. Being the paranoid person I am, I can't help feeling that he's not coming back. Of course he'll occassionally drop by Malacca during his hols and all, but the 3rd year rings a different melody, when he'll leave for UK. Maybe it's because he left us for 4 years. It feels like he's always leaving. Hmmph.

Hmmph

Every time I read Chen Li's blog, there's something going on in her life. It can't be that nothing's going on in MY life right? I mean, I'm not THAT boring a person.

I've always admired the way she can socialize with people so easily. Ok la, maybe sometimes a bit jealous also. Maybe not just a bit. *Cough*

Really la.. it's like, how come I can't be as close to people as Chen Li is to almost everyone? I've known Geng Yi longer than she has, yet they go yam cha all the time like they've known each other since they were babies or something. I can't joke around with the MMU guys the way she can. Dunno la. When I'm around them I can just feel like we're from different worlds or something. They've been exposed to (and still are exposed to) things that are totally different dimensions from what I'm used to. The only kids I can really relate to and have fun with are Sarah and Celine, and that also not as well as Chen Li.

Why ar?

Li Lian said the other day during group devo that before I went to GLO, she kept thinking, "Aiyo, Tse Hwei... cannot talk to her wan, cannot talk to her wan!" I agree that before GLO, I was a detached person la. But until liddat meh? And once again, even before GLO, Chen Li could get along ok with me.

And I still remember before GLO (again), Sin Lan was contemplating her baptism and was hesitating because she felt that she was too sinful to be baptized. Chen Li told her that everyone sins, "except this fella here", gesturing at me.

Is that how people see me? Sinless?? That's preposterous. Can anyone be sinless?? Wait, let's rephrase that. Can anyone even SEEM sinless???????

I'm sure that I have plenty of shortcomings that were pretty obvious to all, especially those in my devotion group (before GLO), who received whackings and lectures from me on a regular basis. I was (and still am in some aspects) short-tempered, impatient, a horrible teacher, insensitive, rather cold sometimes, inconsiderate, tactless, lacking in common sense, rash, blunt, and so many more that I simply can't list them all. Aren't those sins? Or is sin only categorized under sinful and unspiritual acts (e.g. not praying or doing QT consistently)?

What Chen Li said made me realize that people are actually afraid to approach me because it seems like I'm on a higher pedestal than they are. Whether it's because I put myself there or they just think so, I would never know. It's a whole different thing to be on a higher level, because it means an upgrade that's healthy. But a higher pedestal signifies arrogance and self-glory, doesn't it? There must be something wrong with the way I conduct myself in church right??

It's awful.. I can't even be a perfectionist without intimidating people. People run from the piano when they see me coming because they think their skills are humiliating beside mine; fellow students don't like to talk about studies with me because they think their grades look awful beside mine; people don't want to swim with me anymore because they think their speed is way slower than mine and I must've been a mermaid in my past life or something; friends end opinion discussions abruptly because they think their debating skills are not compatible with mine; and the list just goes on.

I want to be able to talk about music with fellow pianists, to be able to share the joy and beauty of being one with music with someone, to find someone who can sincerely nod and not think I'm bragging when I say that I prefer to play my music than to listen to other people's music. I can't make it dinner conversation because no one at the dining table understands when I talk about music this way. They either think I'm tooting my own horn or they go, "Whoa, Chopin's long-lost cousin!" I miss the good ol' days when Seoks and I would compare grades and I would help correct her English while she helped correct my Physics. I loved those times when we all swam together, regardless of our speed, and just swam for fun. I long for those debating days, where I could put my whole heart into expressing my opinions, and then shake hands with my opponents after the debate like we were lifelong buddies.

I'll be frank. I don't like being the only pianist in church. I don't like talking to my toy dolphin about music. I don't like avoiding questions about studies and grades in class and in church. I don't like having to crack my head for some topic other than studies just because people will think I'm bragging about my grades when I bring it up. I don't like swimming alone, especially when I end up being the only swimmer in a pool the size of a football field. I don't like shutting up and sitting quietly, keeping my opinions to myself in MUET class because I'm afraid I'll end up debating with the teacher or some other student and intimidate someone in the process. I don't like all these restrictions. I don't like them at all.

In GLO, when I played the wrong song for the women's meeting, and was fumbling, looking for the right song, turning red in the process, Mel Keong whispered, "Tse Hwei! I can play! I know how to play!" Sin Lan nudged her and said with a confidence in me that surpassed my own, "She can wan la". That's what I want! Confidence in me, yet not undermining herself in the process!

Haiz.. maybe I expect too much from people. They can't meet those expectations and so go away feeling like they didn't measure up.

In that case, I need to change, don't I? But how? Restricting myself doesn't seem to be doing any good. What can I do?

Why is my blog always about me? Sigh.. I feel like Kusco the Emperor. For those who don't know, his opening line is always, "This show is about... ME!"

I'm a Kusco.

That is so not nice.

What Happens Next?

I was browsing through Lin's Friendster profile. My immediate reaction was that it was all very different from what it used to be. Her profile, I mean. New photos, brighter smiles, more cheerful profile descriptions, happier times...

JPA has done a lot for her. It kinda reminds me of what Jo said in Little Women when they were all sharing about their dreams:

"If we are all alive ten years hence, let's meet, and see how many of us have got our wishes, or how much nearer we are then than we are now."


Well, Jo never got to write books and be famous, or do heroic and wonderful things that would astonish Laurie, Meg, Beth or Amy, as she'd hoped. And Beth died somewhere along the way, and never got to take care of the house her whole life, as she'd hoped. These two examples are enough to show that none of them achieved what they'd thought was best for them.

As for me and Lin, things have changed a lot since we last complained about the MHS application.

To talk about some other people:

• Chen Li had always wanted to do Interior Design, but along the way many things have happened that almost caused her to want to do Business instead.
  
• Z always said that he wanted to do Business. Of course I had the sneaking suspicion that it was because he didn't really like anything else anyway, but to think of him as a pharmacist is strangely absurd.
  
• Jie always thought that she loved Physics, and I think she still does, but not in the way that she'd initially imagined.
• Sin Lan always spoke as if she would use her Pay Fong qualifications to study in Taiwan or something like that. I know she loved Bio, but Taiwan or Singapore has always been the ideal location for her in both my mind and hers.
  
• Mel... I don't really know what she wanted to do, but she definitely wanted, as all other normal humans, to end up in a well-known University that can give her the security she desires for her future.
  
• Sin Yee, well, she never really knew what she wanted in the first place. Or she thought she did. But she always jumped from one dream to another. There was once she wanted to be a dentist. Hmm.
  
• Ju is also one of those who don't really know what she really wants, but to think of her as an English teacher is strikingly odd somehow.

But look and see where they've all ended up, or are going to end up:

• Chen Li - The One Academy - Interior Design - Sept 8, 2006
• Z - University of Nottingham - Pharmacy - Sept 18, 2006
• Jie - UPM - Accounting
• Sin Lan - Sedaya - Food Science and Nutrition
  
• Mel - KUSTEM - Econs
• Sin Yee - USM - Physics
• Ju - UTAR - English - 2007
  

All this really makes me wonder where I'll end up in two years' time. Or what I'll end up AS. What kind of future do I have? For all I know, I could end up in Pakistan, ministering to the persecuted Christians or something. Anything can happen.

Or maybe I won't even live past tomorrow. Maybe I'll be with Jesus already.

Reminds me of a song that many declare to be utterly boring and beyond excitement:

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One who feeds the sparrow
Is the One who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

When we ponder the wonders of life, the mysteries of the future, and the greatness of our God, this song becomes much lovelier, doesn't it?

As I sit here guessing my future, I realize that the one thrill of being a mortal is not knowing the future, but having the ability to anticipate it with hope and faith in the One who knows.

Now I can leave this computer and hum this song all the way to the bathroom.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

Why do I blog? P.S.: This is not one of those ask-and-answer-myself entries

Hmmph. A few minutes ago, as I sat here with the computer before me, and the empty post section staring me in the face, I finally admitted that I had absolutely nothing to write.

Is it because nothing's happening in my life? Nah.. many things are happening everyday.

The problem is: I don't know which event to pen down (or errr keyboard down -_-).

Why exactly do people blog? I mean, I can understand displaying your personal opinions about general and public events, but why display private stuff ONLINE where EVERYONE can see it and then deny you're feeling that way when people ask you about it, and go through the hassle of having to cover it up? Why a blog when a diary (where almost no one can intrude except occasional intrusions by siblings) is a much better means of expressing and concealing thoughts that you usually do not want others to peek into?

For instance, if I have feelings for this certain guy, and if the people who have access to my blog include people who know this guy also, won't it be a little awkward if I displayed my feelings for him in my blog? Even if the people who read my blog are not direct acquaintances, it would still be odd. Like so pathetic and desperate liddat.

Sumore cannot criticize people online =_=

Chen Li's blog is usually about every single thing that happens between her and her friends, namely juliana, yen mei, and a few others whom I don't know. Occasionally she includes events that happen in MGC, meaning there are people like Daniel, Z, and even Ken involved. What I feel is this: I am from MGC also. I've only seen my name in her blog twice or so. And that also as a kelefair (is it spelled like that?) only. Meaning, I'm mentioned as a passing breeze only. For instance, the Family Sports Day 2006. She was relating how she got soaked by a few people. And she couldn't remember the last person who splashed her with water. She made a couple of wild guesses (none of whom was me). In actual fact, I was that last person. Imagine how I felt yeah. I keep feeling like I'm not important, like I'm not significant.
In her GLO entries, her experiences mostly revolved around Shuang and Hooi Siang etc. Our MGC girls experiences... a little bit only. Most people won't understand how I can get so fussed up about such little things. Well, the fact is, I'm not a good conversationalist and a really bad socializer. When I get to fit into a group, it really makes me feel happy. In GLO, I really thought I could finally do that, you know, fit in or something. But then I'm like just a supporting role in Chen Li's story. Maybe not even a supporting role. At least they appear in every episode. I'm more like the water boy (or girl) for the movie set or something.
It's not her fault. She has the right to write whatever she wants. What I'm saying is that by using this style for blogging, there IS the possibility that I might hurt someone out there without realizing it.

So how exactly should I blog? I won't claim this blog to be mine and only mine, because the fact is that by making this blog public in the first place, I'm declaring that it is free for all to read. So my private thoughts can't exactly be expressed freely anymore. Those who keep diaries should get my drift. When I write in my diary, it's really for me. No one else should be reading it. Blogging is different. I need to blog in such a way that the readers can relate to.

After all, blog is just short for weblog. LOG. When we say 'the captain's log', it refers to a nautical record of the ship's voyage. It's for people to read, you see. The captain includes some nautical terms, of course, but he doesn't fill it with terminology that is incomprehensible to the readers.

After contemplating so much, I'm still stuck in Square 1.

Haiz. Being the lazy person I am, I'll probably take the laziest and easiest route.

Don't tell anyone about this blog.

Har-har.

My Destiny

You know that American Idol song, "My Destiny" by Katharine McPhee? My dad's always wondering why I prefer that song to "Do I Make You Proud" by Taylor Hicks. Let's evaluate:

With you
Finally I can break free
With you
It's all changing in my destiny
Dream come true
It's so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
I realize that it's my destiny

When I was applying for the transfer to MHS, I thought: Wow, I'm going to transfer to MHS, find new friends, start a new life there (preferably one where I don't have to be forced into the choir club), and study a totally new course. This course is what I've wanted to do ever since the thought of Form 6 entered my mind. I'm going to get it with God's help, and I'm going to be able to sing this song with some meaning. THIS is my destiny.

Guess what? My application was denied. Aww no song today.

When I was applying for a place in the Law Foundation Course of MMU, I thought: Man, I'm going to university without Form 6 Foundation, start a totally new life there (definitely one where I don't have to be forced into the choir club), and jump right into Law. This course is what I've wanted to do ever since I won the debate in Form 5. But this path that has no connection at all with Form 6 is not what I envisioned for myself at all. My way was not God's way. I've been too focused on getting what I want. I can't even take a detour because I never started on the road. How different life's turning out to be. This song's making more sense than ever. I'm going to sing it more often. THIS is my destiny.

Guess what? My second application to MHS was approved, and I found out that the law certificate in MMU is not recognized. Aww no song today.

When I came to MHS, I thought: Sigh, here I am. Finally where I thought I belonged. Why's God sending me all over the place? Am I finally here to stay? Look at the CF club - almost 20 members! So different from what I was used to in MGSS (5 members). And now I'm the president. I can't do this! I never expected this! IS this my destiny?

Funny. I should be able sing the song just fine now.

With you
Finally I can break free
With you
It's all changing in my destiny
Dream come true
It's so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
I realize that it's my destiny

Reminds me of when Uncle Stephen Low told us the story about the lady and the pastor.

Then she told me something that still haunts me: "I came this weekend with one prayer," she said. "I asked God to kill my husband. I prayed, 'Lord, I need a way out! I feel like a bird in a cage.' "

Finally she lifted her eyes and said, "When I prayed that prayer, God spoke to me as clearly as I've ever sensed His voice. He said, 'Even a bird in a cage sings.' "

With tears running down her face she asked, "What am I supposed to do with that? How do I live with that answer?"

Feeling utterly impotent, I replied, "If God says, 'sing,' you need to find your song."

Well, this is my song. It's odd how difficult it is to sing a song when it really applies to you. I find this chorus part of the song especially hard to sing. Whenever I come to the chorus, I just sort of stop singing and just stare into space.

I now realize that the most important thing is not whether I can sing this song or not. What's more important is how I sing it.

Especially that last line.

Hi Blogspot. I Am Back!

Blogger is much slower than Friendster Blogs. Hmm. And no one really reads my blogs here, I think.

Hmm.

You know that last post I posted about me meaning something to somebody right now? I don't really know if that's true, um, if it is, I hope it's not true because there's only one person I wish to share that with right now, and if there're other people who feel that way about me, I would really scale the wall and jump back down and break a leg or something. I shared about this in my devotion group 3 weeks ago, I think. I tend to dislike people who like me in a way that I simply cannot respond to. I really don't like it when that happens. Because usually those who do that are people I actually look forward to being close friends with. Sigh.

Anyway, that last post really reminded me of a childhood friend that I should've valued more. It's not always that I find a secular post I can relate to that well, what with all the silly chain letters flying about these days.

There is someone I want to talk about old times with. Except that's not possible. Because our "old times" covers only from the time I could remember having a friend, to once upon a Sports Day.

Yup, he was my first friend - my best friend too. It saddens me to only possess 2 tiny scraps of memory about our time together. (1) When we were digging for cila-cila and worms came crawling after us instead haha. It's hard to imagine him running for his life now the way he did at that time.

It saddens me even more to remember that the other tiny scrap of memory I have of him is the one that cost me the rest of those scraps. (2) I don't even want to talk about it cis. Too embarassing.

I really regretted being so immature in those days sigh. I've wanted so many times to say sorry already, but as you can see, I "postponed" the apologizing for 10 years already. Hmmph.

Maybe when he leaves for KL.

It'll be like too late already. Sigh.